What women don’t understand about men & intimacy
Wow, what a title! If that doesn’t pull in some visitors then I don’t know what will. I write this article as a male who is tired of the never ending whining of women who make statements like, “My husband/boyfriend/lover is afraid of intimacy” or, “He’s not interested in intimacy, he just wants sex” or, “I’m really hoping we can go and see a therapist about his intimacy problems”… excuse me while I puke.
Firstly, let’s clear up what intimacy actually is – Wikipedia says: Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.
I know any number of couples, and I speak from painful personal experience, where the same woman complaining about intimacy in her husband is herself entirely deficient in the areas of dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocation. The uncomfortable truth about intimacy is that it takes two to tango. The reasons preventing women from wanting to become ‘vulnerable’ and ‘honest’ with their husbands may be the same reasons that give men the reputation of ‘not being intimate’.
Here are some myths that need busting:
Myth 1: Men fear commitment
Truth: Men are scared of committing to the wrong person for the rest of their lives. The idea of being with someone they don’t connect with on anything more than a superficial level, for the rest of their lives, is the stuff of nightmares.
Myth 2: Men only want sex
Truth: Of course men want sex, as do women, but unlike women, men can have sex just for fun, and don’t use it as the only assessment criteria of a good relationship. Men can have sex in the good times and the bad and, being poor at multitasking, tend not to relate their emotions during love making to every other emotion they’ve felt for the last month, blaming one on the other. Men want lots of things! If women were less critical about their partner’s sex drive and more interested in what really makes them tick, they’d be surprised to find a complex, emotional, thinking being with a great desire for intimacy and connectedness.
Myth 3: Men fear intimacy
The opposite is true. Men crave intimacy, but with the right person. Intimacy requires a connection, a chemistry, a coming together of souls. A man is not going to get intimate with someone that does not feed his spirit as much as he feeds theirs. True, many men can have sex with anyone and pretty much at any time, but believe me; they know the difference between sex and intimacy. In the heart of a man is the desire for a life partner, someone who will dig below the surface and find the real him, and when they do, will accept them for exactly who they are without judgment or intolerance. A man won’t be truly intimate with someone who judges him negatively for being who he is. He can have sex with such a person; he can smile and entertain guests with such a person… but his heart will remain closed.
Another point to consider here is (quoting another famous author) ‘He may just not be that into you’. You can’t force, manipulate or coerce someone into loving you – they either do or they don’t. Getting angry and making demands won’t improve the situation; it’ll just make it worse. Multitudes of counselors and therapists can’t flip a switch of love or intimacy in someone – the most they can accomplish is to offer tips for reasonable behavior. I have seen many good men reduced to well behaved pets who speak when they’re supposed to, smile at the right times and put on a good show for friends and family… inside they’re dying and longing for authenticity.
In summary: Contrary to the popular pro-women’s-needs philosophies so prolific in self help books, television talk shows and magazines; women would do well to stop and consider carefully the real dynamics at play in their relationships – not just what they’re ‘not getting’ from their male partners but a deeper look at the genuine commonalities and connectedness between them required for true intimacy. You may just find that you’re flogging a dead horse.
Watch this space for my upcoming article to men: How to make your woman feel loved
Yeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
Thank you Deon!
There are very few women who actually know what they want…In life? In a partner? emotionally? Physically? From themselves as human beings??? I find it attractive, stimulating a turn on when a woman like that says she wants ME???… I will not be able to think of anyone else… that’s me other men are probably different but I don;t think by much.
If women spent more time experiencing themselves rather than reading magazines, self help books, oprah and all the measuring tools society has to confirm if you are on par with what a woman should look like, feel like, smell like, act like, speak like, have sex like… they would find a whole other world out there where their decisions wil be about what makes them happy, what moves them, what they want from themselves and in a partner… and like I said there is nothing more a ppealing to me than being wanted, it’s my biggest turn on, often bypassing looks and weight.
Why can Madonna get away with half the vile things that she has done and still make the cover of magazines at the age of 50??? Because she knows who she is, she does what she enjoys doing, and takes responsibility and criticism for all of it nonchalantly while looking the best she can because she chooses to (and often goes overboard with a whole lot of sheep).
I think that when more women start to realise that they have more to offer men emotionally and intellectually because they are comfotable in ‘their own skin’ with their cellulite, and blotchyness, and wrinkles and no make up on… that their relationships with men will evolve deeper, more emotionally… they will want their partners more because they will fear rejection less…
That’s my take on it…. somebody, anybody, agree or tell me otherwise…
Hahahahaha, I love your take on a women who doesn’t know what she wants in any other part of her life, but knowing she loves you, being your big turn on. I have no doubt that many men feel this way.
Basil….by you saying that you love a woman who does’t know what she wants in her life, all she knows is that she loves you…..doesn’t that indicate an underlying control issue on your part? If she only knows thats she loves you (and not much else), then surely that would allow you to dominate her opinions, likes and dislikes???