Deon Barnard

I always find it amusing when I hear people use the phrase ‘There’s nothing worse than…’ when I can usually think of 10 things worse than what they’re suggesting in an instant, for instance: sardine milkshakes. This led me to thinking, what are those things for which I myself might use the phrase ‘There’s nothing worse than…’ and the following came to mind:

1.    People who simply don’t pitch when they’ve made a commitment to attend something. They don’t call, they don’t apologize and they don’t care who they let down.

2.    People who are determined to be fashionably late for everything. If a show starts at 6PM they start getting ready to leave at 6PM. The first half an hour of any event is clearly an unimportant formality that does not require the dignity of their presence.

3.    Parents who call their children ‘Christian’ or ‘Muslim’ or ‘Hindu’. As though any child of age 5 or 7 or even 11 could conceivably contemplate all their options and make a rational, informed decision about their religious views while being brought up to fear and distrust any point of view other than that of their parents. This type of religious brainwashing and morbid indoctrination by parents should be outlawed in society as a crime against freedom of thought and human rights.

4.     Back pain! It really sucks.

5.    Dentists. Who are these creatures in white robes that insist on drilling against nerves that lead straight behind your eyes into your brain with such explosions of acute pain that your nightmares pale in comparison. On top of that they insist that you lie on the most uncomfortably designed horizontal chair known to man, for an hour, with intense light shining in your eyes, after which you need a chiropractor to sort out your spine. Your jaw and lips are tugged at and extended to the extent that you have bruises and a strange clicking in your jaw the first time you try and eat anything. It brings back a line from the musical score of little shop of horrors: ‘You’ll be a dentist. You have a talent for causing things pain! Son, be a dentist. People will pay you to be inhumane!’

6.    Poor customer service. I think particularly of those receptionists who can’t even be bothered to hold eye contact as they bark out one word answers to your questions and make it very clear that you’re wasting their valuable Tetris time.

7.    Tasteless cooking. Turning dull, tasteless food into something worth eating often takes nothing more than a suggestion of an imagination, a sprinkle of herbs, or a dash of soy sauce. I cannot understand why people settle for the mundane in this area of our lives that consumes so much of our time and which has the power to add such joy and adventure to each day.

8.    Teasing repartee and hurtful banter. I often sit in amazement as I watch one or two of my friends or guests pick up on a few vulnerabilities in someone in the group and then spend the rest of the evening honing in on those weaknesses with great jest and laughter and seemingly not able to stop themselves until the victim is utterly exhausted or brought to tears. The fact that these wolves see this as some kind of social victory is even more bewildering. Of course, these same people have no ability to withstand even a portion of what they dish out and ultimately show themselves to be the cowardly schoolyard bullies that they are.

9.    Grand prix. Sorry I just don’t get it. Hour after hour of cars going round in circles. I have similar feelings about cricket and golf which are, in my view, just male excuses for spending less time with the family.

I’d love to hear some of your ‘There’s nothing worse than’ ideas.