Deon Barnard

At about age 35 (or thereabouts) you start to see the world differently; you don’t feel any different in your core personality, but you’ve banged your head enough times and been dealt enough crappy cards to start questioning a few things and even start regretting some of the decisions of your youth – in a word you grow up. Ok, so that’s two words… Melancholics!

One of the things that changed for me was that I finally realized I wasn’t Superman. Yes, I used to believe I could jump tall buildings in a single bound, and almost could; or win every argument through sheer force of character, without knowledge; or cure cancer, in Jesus name! Now I’m happy if I can get through a day without taking Voltaren for my back or finding a letter from a creditor in the post box. Things aren’t as simple now as they were at age 18, and although that doesn’t make life any less worth living, it does sometimes make me wish I could go back in time and give myself some advice or at least a klap across the head. So here are some of the things I would tell myself – some of them I worked out early on my own and others… well, I wish I had.

1.    Travel. There is a huge difference between those that have left the caves of their miniscule existence in their home, their suburb, their local McDonalds, and those who haven’t. People who travel develop a balanced world view and a level of tolerance that you don’t find in insular communities.

2.    Get a degree. It really doesn’t matter what degree, just do the three to five years required to get the certificate. This develops the habit for reading and study in your adult years, but most importantly it opens vital career opportunities. On the flip side if you’re well into your twenties or more and don’t have a degree then start one now – it’s never too late.

3.    Learn how to use a computer. I can’t stress this enough. It won’t be long before most of our activities are virtual. You need to enter the working world with I.T. competency – right now that means knowing your way around Microsoft Office and the Internet as a minimum standard.

4.    Turn off the TV. Read my two articles on the matter. ‘Nuff said.

5.    Learn about accounting and tax. Whether you’re going to spontaneously launch your own small business or just keep your personal affairs in order, you’re going to need to know how these things work. Save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache and learn this young!

6.    Think twice about getting married young… or even at all. Sure, society has been promoting this way of life since the beginning of time, but the facts are overwhelming against marital success, especially for those who marry young. I know the religious among us gasp in astonishment at this notion, but let them gasp, and you live your life with your eyes wide open. Love because you want to love, not because you’re looking to find a slave you can control forever, or become a slave to a religious or legal contract. Love, intimacy and commitment have nothing to do with contracts. If you are married, chill – I’m not speaking a death sentence over your relationship, but many of you, if you were honest enough to admit it, would agree that it may not have been the best idea ever.

7.    Have sex. If you have a (consensual) lover or spouse, don’t deny each other; pleasure each other; give each other plenty of orgasms; spend tons of time being naked together; and liberate your sexuality. Society in general and religion in particular make us deny our sexuality, relegating it to embarrassing conversations in private corners; or dingy downtown porn shops; or to the purpose of procreation alone (in the missionary position of course). This is insane! People who don’t have regular sex are usually miserable and uptight. Be safe of course!

8.    Live according to your means. I see thousands of young people living someone else’s dream for their lives, which generally involves buying a house in a suburb; and a luxury car; and a swimming pool; and the latest in technology; and… and… and! If you want to be an artist then you should go ahead and pursue your dream, but understand that it will mean being real about how you live and what you have. At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter if you’re living in a one bedroom flat in the middle of the city if you’re doing what you’re passionate about. You can always swim in someone else’s pool.

9.    Learn another language. The joke goes, “What do you call someone who speaks three languages?” (Trilingual), “Good, and what do you call someone who speaks two languages?” (Bilingual), “Good, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?” (American). One of the most useful things you will ever do is learn another language. It will open your mind and improve your capacity for understanding the world you live.

10.    Don’t always follow the rules. Some rules make sense and following them is wisdom. Some rules make no sense at all and are designed to control you or keep you from inconveniencing someone else at your expense. Some rules have been there for hundreds of years and no one can remember who made them or why we’re still following them. Some rules are worthy and yet at times it is still wisdom to break them for a worthier purpose. Question the rules you live by, ask yourself why they’re there and whether those reasons make sense. The greatest men (and women) in history became great because they broke a rule, not because they were sheep who blindly followed. See my article on being a salmon, not a sheep. There are worse things in life than getting into trouble – living without passion is one of them.

Hmmm… I think this needs another post.

Despite the many stresses in my life: recent divorce; training slowdown; alienation from most of my Christian friends; the prospect of my kids moving to another city; and 20 years of back pain; I am insanely optimistic about life! This is partly because I was blessed with Sanguine genetics, and partly because I revel in the glory of life. There is beauty and greatness and wonder everywhere; and from time to time I even meet some decent people. Here are some of the things that make life great for me; they’re simple things and personal to me, but I hope they make someone relook at their life with a sense of balance and renewed interest. So, in no particular order:

1. McMuffin McMeal breakfasts

“But they make you fat” – what…ever!! Heaven on a English muffin, and McD’s make a great cappuccino.

2. Camping with my kids

There’s nothing better in this world for me. Collecting wood with the boys for evening campfires; hiking through the bush; lunches at waterfalls; braai’d marshmallows; catching frogs and worms for fishing; whittling walking sticks; and fire-baked bread.

3. Tabletop war games

I’ve been playing complex tabletop war games for about 8 years now, mostly Warhammer, a hobby that involves assembling and painting miniature soldiers, and then warring against an opponent on miniature lifelike terrain using tape measures, handfuls of dice and hundreds of pages of intricate rules. It appeals to my whole personality and is an outlet for so many of my interests and passions: creativity; warfare; history; statistics; strategy; mathematics; fantasy; competition; and not least of all, beers and laughter with friends.

4. Music

I couldn’t live without music. I’m always singing a song in my head and tapping out rhythms on every surface I pass. Whenever I walk into a shop or a mall I’m always instantly aware of what’s playing behind the noise of the crowd. I might be walking with a friend and tell them, “I haven’t heard this song for years” and their response is, “what song?” because they haven’t even noticed the music yet in the noise of the crowd. I had a band in Durban some years back and if I had the space now I’d start another. I often get lost in a song while driving and end up travelling 10km past my destination. I’m currently listening to Muse, Killers, Evanescence, Live and Pink Floyd. Music heals me and gives me a place to express all the emotion that is so ‘unacceptable’ in polite society.

5. Cigars, whisky and leather couches

If I’m thinking of a night out, I look for a Karaoke bar (see previous point) or a cigar lounge. I can spend many hours with a long cigar and a good scotch on a luxurious leather couch with a close friend and a philosophical point to ponder. Unfortunately I don’t seem to have too many friends who share this notion or even know what it looks like, but that just gives me another bucket list goal – to start a cigar club; I’ll call it Plato’s pit.

6. Training

Not many people can put their jobs on a list of favourite things to do, but I get to earn a living doing the thing I love most – teaching; motivating; inspiring; encouraging; and challenging people. Through all the changes and career shifts of my life, this one thing has been constant. As a missionary, I trained. As a pastor, I trained. As an IT manager, I trained. As a school teacher, I trained. I finally worked what I was and started calling myself a trainer.

7. Sex

One of the most negative effects of religion in society is that it demonizes sex. Possibly the most glorious expression of beauty and love and pleasure known to man has been reduced to some sort of secret activity that shouldn’t be discussed or thought about outside of the narrow requirements of a particular religion, sect or societal norm. People who think about sex “too much” are labeled “perverts” and have a “problem” – gimme a break! The vast majority of men are thinking about sex all the time, because it’s great! Anyway, enough ranting from me; I’ll write another article on the subject, but needless to say, sex is one of those things that make my life great!

8. Technology

If it’s got buttons, microchips, software, lights or makes noise – I love it! I live in a great era where technology doubles in the world every couple of years – wow – and because of my intuitive relationship with all things IT, I get to have tons of fun and learn new things every day.

9. Cooking (and eating)

I’m always surprised by people (especially moms) who throw baked beans on toast for supper because they feel “uninspired” about cooking a meal. For these folk cooking has become a necessary chore and food is nothing more than fuel to keep the family running. I have never felt that way about cooking – even when I’m doing it every day. Cooking is an opportunity to stretch the right brain daily and at the end of it you get to eat cool stuff too, what could be better? It’s like finger painting with ingredients! I get hungry just thinking about it: coconut curries; tomato pastas; vegetable bakes; stuffed Hungarian cabbage rolls; sticky sweet chicken breasts; creamy Greek salads… sigh.

There you go. Let me know what gives your lives meaning.

After my article on what women don’t understand about men and intimacy, women might think I’m only putting forward a male point of view so, as promised, here’s an article that most men could do with reading.

I was recently talking to a male friend of mine from France who was appalled at the South African male condition, which I’m sure is not much different to the Australian or American condition. His impression of South African males was that we have no clue about romance or seduction and that the closest we ever get to love talk is, “Hey babe, let’s have a quick pomp before the rugby”. We are very busy trying to convince everyone how masculine we are by putting on a macho façade and thinking that’s what chicks dig. Anything that’s pink, scented, soft, tender or romantic is “gay”… and the average redneck is seriously homophobic (a little insecure me thinks). This is a huge problem for our guys, because the stuff that really appeals to the heart of a woman is going to require dropping the macho routine and embarking on a journey of feeling and articulation and tenderness, all very gay or course… NOT!!

So men, if you can get out of your fighting, mocking, TV watching, distracted by sports, burping, farting, and sarcasm, state of mind for half a minute, you might find the following tips quite useful for making your lady feel loved. I have to say though (see my previous article) that if you’re just not that into her, or she’s just not that into you, and she’s really not the one for you, you’re probably not going to be able to pull this off with any conviction at all and your problems might be bigger than a lack of romance.

1. Physical touch. Touch your lady throughout the day, whether you’re a “physical touch” person or not – just do it. A stroke on the arm; a gentle hand against the small of her back; a kiss on the neck as you walk past her; holding her hand in the mall; etc.
2. Look at stuff she likes when you go shopping like: dresses; shoes; gifts for friends; etc. There will be times you drop her at a boutique while you move on to the cigar shop alone, but from time to time you need to shop with her for her benefit alone, just because it makes her happy; and when you do – smile, look interested, make insightful comments and tell her how item X, Y or Z suits her. She’ll do the same with you.
3. Listen, and make her feel like you’re listening. Don’t try and “fix” all her problems the moment she raises them – mostly she just needs to voice things to get them off her chest and settle emotions. Instead of saying things like, “why don’t you just…” or, “so why are you getting so upset about it?” try using words like “That must have been difficult…” or, “Really? How do you feel about that?”
4. Be honest. If you’re looking for a life partner there has to be complete openness and honesty. If honesty is going to break up your relationship then you’re with the wrong person. Find someone who can go through your list of dark secrets and still love you for who you are. She needs to be in a relationship with all of you, not just the parts you allow her to see (and vice versa). Honesty is the only way to intimacy, anything else is delusional.
5. On sex…Ok, this point is age restricted, but should be taught to all boys at a young age to bring about an evolution among our cavemen. Activate her senses through tender and sensual touch. Sex is not all about your orgasm… in fact it’s hardly about your orgasm at all! We all know how quick and easy it is for most men to orgasm, so don’t focus on this element when you’re with your lady, focus on her pleasure. Take time and use your hands (and anything else she’ll allow) to tenderly activate the nerves of her skin all over her body. Don’t just rub away at the same place every time – get creative and experiment with sensations and techniques and allow her to tell you what’s amazing and what’s not. You may just find that you get as much personal satisfaction from her pleasure as you do your own.
6. Make sacred time for each other. Every week there should be specific appointments with each other that you simply don’t allow anything to interfere with. You wouldn’t allow anything to disrupt your business meeting, so don’t allow work or kids or family or friends to disrupt your special time together. Make time to catch movies, chat, make love, do hobbies together etc. She’ll feel great if you actively defend those times from external threats.
7. Don’t lose your manners. Open the door for her; say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’; offer to dish up for her at a party and get her a drink; introduce her to people properly; carry stuff for her; etc.

This is a very short list and I’m sure women everywhere could add all sorts of interesting ideas to this article so go ahead and leave your comments.

Wow, what a title! If that doesn’t pull in some visitors then I don’t know what will. I write this article as a male who is tired of the never ending whining of women who make statements like, “My husband/boyfriend/lover is afraid of intimacy” or, “He’s not interested in intimacy, he just wants sex” or, “I’m really hoping we can go and see a therapist about his intimacy problems”… excuse me while I puke.

Firstly, let’s clear up what intimacy actually is – Wikipedia says: Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.

I know any number of couples, and I speak from painful personal experience, where the same woman complaining about intimacy in her husband is herself entirely deficient in the areas of dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocation. The uncomfortable truth about intimacy is that it takes two to tango. The reasons preventing women from wanting to become ‘vulnerable’ and ‘honest’ with their husbands may be the same reasons that give men the reputation of ‘not being intimate’.

Here are some myths that need busting:

Myth 1: Men fear commitment

Truth: Men are scared of committing to the wrong person for the rest of their lives. The idea of being with someone they don’t connect with on anything more than a superficial level, for the rest of their lives, is the stuff of nightmares.

Myth 2: Men only want sex

Truth: Of course men want sex, as do women, but unlike women, men can have sex just for fun, and don’t use it as the only assessment criteria of a good relationship. Men can have sex in the good times and the bad and, being poor at multitasking, tend not to relate their emotions during love making to every other emotion they’ve felt for the last month, blaming one on the other. Men want lots of things! If women were less critical about their partner’s sex drive and more interested in what really makes them tick, they’d be surprised to find a complex, emotional, thinking being with a great desire for intimacy and connectedness.

Myth 3: Men fear intimacy

The opposite is true. Men crave intimacy, but with the right person. Intimacy requires a connection, a chemistry, a coming together of souls. A man is not going to get intimate with someone that does not feed his spirit as much as he feeds theirs. True, many men can have sex with anyone and pretty much at any time, but believe me; they know the difference between sex and intimacy. In the heart of a man is the desire for a life partner, someone who will dig below the surface and find the real him, and when they do, will accept them for exactly who they are without judgment or intolerance. A man won’t be truly intimate with someone who judges him negatively for being who he is. He can have sex with such a person; he can smile and entertain guests with such a person… but his heart will remain closed.

Another point to consider here is (quoting another famous author) ‘He may just not be that into you’. You can’t force, manipulate or coerce someone into loving you – they either do or they don’t. Getting angry and making demands won’t improve the situation; it’ll just make it worse. Multitudes of counselors and therapists can’t flip a switch of love or intimacy in someone – the most they can accomplish is to offer tips for reasonable behavior. I have seen many good men reduced to well behaved pets who speak when they’re supposed to, smile at the right times and put on a good show for friends and family… inside they’re dying and longing for authenticity.

In summary: Contrary to the popular pro-women’s-needs philosophies so prolific in self help books, television talk shows and magazines; women would do well to stop and consider carefully the real dynamics at play in their relationships – not just what they’re ‘not getting’ from their male partners but a deeper look at the genuine commonalities and connectedness between them required for true intimacy. You may just find that you’re flogging a dead horse.

Watch this space for my upcoming article to men: How to make your woman feel loved