Deon Barnard

Wow, what a title! If that doesn’t pull in some visitors then I don’t know what will. I write this article as a male who is tired of the never ending whining of women who make statements like, “My husband/boyfriend/lover is afraid of intimacy” or, “He’s not interested in intimacy, he just wants sex” or, “I’m really hoping we can go and see a therapist about his intimacy problems”… excuse me while I puke.

Firstly, let’s clear up what intimacy actually is – Wikipedia says: Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.

I know any number of couples, and I speak from painful personal experience, where the same woman complaining about intimacy in her husband is herself entirely deficient in the areas of dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocation. The uncomfortable truth about intimacy is that it takes two to tango. The reasons preventing women from wanting to become ‘vulnerable’ and ‘honest’ with their husbands may be the same reasons that give men the reputation of ‘not being intimate’.

Here are some myths that need busting:

Myth 1: Men fear commitment

Truth: Men are scared of committing to the wrong person for the rest of their lives. The idea of being with someone they don’t connect with on anything more than a superficial level, for the rest of their lives, is the stuff of nightmares.

Myth 2: Men only want sex

Truth: Of course men want sex, as do women, but unlike women, men can have sex just for fun, and don’t use it as the only assessment criteria of a good relationship. Men can have sex in the good times and the bad and, being poor at multitasking, tend not to relate their emotions during love making to every other emotion they’ve felt for the last month, blaming one on the other. Men want lots of things! If women were less critical about their partner’s sex drive and more interested in what really makes them tick, they’d be surprised to find a complex, emotional, thinking being with a great desire for intimacy and connectedness.

Myth 3: Men fear intimacy

The opposite is true. Men crave intimacy, but with the right person. Intimacy requires a connection, a chemistry, a coming together of souls. A man is not going to get intimate with someone that does not feed his spirit as much as he feeds theirs. True, many men can have sex with anyone and pretty much at any time, but believe me; they know the difference between sex and intimacy. In the heart of a man is the desire for a life partner, someone who will dig below the surface and find the real him, and when they do, will accept them for exactly who they are without judgment or intolerance. A man won’t be truly intimate with someone who judges him negatively for being who he is. He can have sex with such a person; he can smile and entertain guests with such a person… but his heart will remain closed.

Another point to consider here is (quoting another famous author) ‘He may just not be that into you’. You can’t force, manipulate or coerce someone into loving you – they either do or they don’t. Getting angry and making demands won’t improve the situation; it’ll just make it worse. Multitudes of counselors and therapists can’t flip a switch of love or intimacy in someone – the most they can accomplish is to offer tips for reasonable behavior. I have seen many good men reduced to well behaved pets who speak when they’re supposed to, smile at the right times and put on a good show for friends and family… inside they’re dying and longing for authenticity.

In summary: Contrary to the popular pro-women’s-needs philosophies so prolific in self help books, television talk shows and magazines; women would do well to stop and consider carefully the real dynamics at play in their relationships – not just what they’re ‘not getting’ from their male partners but a deeper look at the genuine commonalities and connectedness between them required for true intimacy. You may just find that you’re flogging a dead horse.

Watch this space for my upcoming article to men: How to make your woman feel loved

Sigh...

So what’s with the whole marriage thing? Who decided that people should get dressed in white and stand before a crowd of people and declare never-ending devotion and loyalty to one another? Most of us can’t work out what colour shirt to wear to work or whether we want chocolate or vanilla milkshake at McDonalds and yet we all freely accept that once we say the magic words “I do” we’ll somehow mysteriously be able to live with the other person till “Death do us part”, never forsaking them or tiring of them.

We are so insistent on doing this thing that people who don’t get married are pitied and “matched” for their supposed loneliness and lack of joy; people who get married without the white outfits and flowers are said to “elope” (which is a bad thing); and people who get married and then get unmarried (divorced – also a bad thing) are effectively shunned and ostracized by society in general and religion in particular.

So we are raised to believe that marriage is the acceptable norm… the way things should be… as though two people could not love each other “properly” without all the trappings of a marriage… as if long term relationships could ever work by being enforced… as if two people at age twenty something could know enough about the world or themselves to possibly understand if their choice is the right one.

What is it we’re so scared of? Do we think that unmarried lovers are going to bring down the judgement of God on society? Do we honestly believe that kids should care what labels we give to the relationship between their parents? Do we think that marriage will protect either partner against non-monogamy? Do we think that love can only be real after an event called a wedding?

In an age where we like to think we’ve evolved from the depths of ritual sacrifice, oppression of women and arbitrary invasions of small neighbouring countries, why is it that we haven’t evolved from the ancient mystical notion of marriage?

Now don’t get me wrong… I’m not for one moment suggesting that there is no such thing as true love or that people don’t find “soul mates” who they can happily spend the rest of their lives with, but all that can happen without the need for marriage and all the societal and cultural expectations that come with it. Marriage, like so many other mandatory cultural commitments is nothing more than another control mechanism that helps maintain the status quo and keeps the sheep all walking in straight lines.

I have no doubt that marriage will continue long into the future because it is so effective for keeping tabs on society – and the citizens of society will continue to get married as expected, just as they will continue to “go to church”, “say grace” before meals, “get an education”, “get a job”, “get a retirement policy” and so on. It’s just easier that way!