Deon Barnard

Imagine a normal person, someone from Mars or Venus – an average middle class, church going human being that has two and a half kids, watches rugby, has picnics at the local park, and attends parents/teachers meetings and scrapbook clubs. Now imagine this person accidentally, or by some other mysterious coincidence, finds themselves at a Warhammer club somewhere in Johannesburg one night. Their first thought might be, “Oh. My. God!! What planet do these people come from??!!” And they wouldn’t be far wrong – you see, Warhammer players come from the planet Pluto, which has recently been declassified as a planet, but that suits Warhammer players down to the ground.

On Pluto the average E.Q. of people is about 12 – there are small shrubs on that planet that are more socially captivating – however, the average I.Q. is about 200. Ask them what a female g-spot is and you’re likely to be drowned in a chorus of blank stares (and wondering if you’ve stumbled across the set of ‘Village of the Damned’), but ask them the statistical probability of a five rank unit of spear elves with a standard of balance breaking a unit of witch elves with ASF and a death hag in it in one round of combat and they’ll instantly respond with percentages ranging from 15.7 to 42.3 as well as a heated debate about the pros and cons of paying for a musician.

Another puzzling phenomenon on Pluto is the incredible focus and endurance of Plutonians. These people can play five back to back games, each lasting two to three hours, and at the end of 15 solid hours of gaming interrupted by nothing but two toilet breaks, they will proceed to explain the results of every dice roll that occurred during that day to anyone willing to listen. After an hour or two of passionate recounting they will go home and sacrifice a night of sleep as their brains continue to process every move, roll and decision they made during the day, again and again. On waking the following day they are able to do it all again on nothing more than a bacon roll and a cup of coffee. Truly remarkable!

From time to time a daring Plutonian will attempt to start a conversation not related to gaming – usually when this happens there is some nervous twitching and frightened looking about. If the group feels that their status quo is not in danger of being completely devastated they will tentatively add to the pool of conversation, all the time hoping that the diversion doesn’t last too long. A typical conversation might go like this:

• So, anyone see the news about Eugene Terreblanche dying?
• Uh, yes. Hmmmph.
• Oh well, I guess he had it coming.
• Yeah. Yip. Poor guy, he had no chance.
• Nope. Got hacked by two guys with pangas.
• Fuck. That’s like an Empire captain with one wound left getting taken out by two black Orcs with extra hand weapons…
• Geez! You’re right!
• No way! Did you see how Sean took out my black Orcs with his Hellblaster!
• I hate Hellblasters… (etc)

One of the most visible signs that they come from another planet is their immunity to Venutian magic. Take a pretty Venutian to an all Martian braai for instance and she can single handedly stop all proceedings as Martians drop braai tongs, spill beer and cease conversation, completely bewitched. Take a pretty Venutian to a Plutonian event and nobody skips a beat – in fact most Plutonians are not even aware that she is present, such is their supernatural focus and cerebral distraction.

Martian expats are not always easily accepted on Pluto, but if you’re planning an extended visit any time soon, here are some tips for getting by on Pluto:

1. Read the rule books. These are Plutonian dictionaries. It’s easier to get by when you can speak Plutonian.
2. Don’t hug Plutonians! They don’t do hugs unless they’re French. (You might be able to hug their Venutian mates, but don’t push it.)
3. Tone down your enthusiasm. Plutonians are cool and reserved on the whole, unless they’re rolling 1′s or 6′s.
4. Don’t mention cheese. They don’t like cheese – especially the smelly blue kind.
5. Black T-Shirts with gothic prints are essential.
6. Paint your shit. Plutonians respect painted shit.

You will not see this article on National Geographic!

After my article on what women don’t understand about men and intimacy, women might think I’m only putting forward a male point of view so, as promised, here’s an article that most men could do with reading.

I was recently talking to a male friend of mine from France who was appalled at the South African male condition, which I’m sure is not much different to the Australian or American condition. His impression of South African males was that we have no clue about romance or seduction and that the closest we ever get to love talk is, “Hey babe, let’s have a quick pomp before the rugby”. We are very busy trying to convince everyone how masculine we are by putting on a macho façade and thinking that’s what chicks dig. Anything that’s pink, scented, soft, tender or romantic is “gay”… and the average redneck is seriously homophobic (a little insecure me thinks). This is a huge problem for our guys, because the stuff that really appeals to the heart of a woman is going to require dropping the macho routine and embarking on a journey of feeling and articulation and tenderness, all very gay or course… NOT!!

So men, if you can get out of your fighting, mocking, TV watching, distracted by sports, burping, farting, and sarcasm, state of mind for half a minute, you might find the following tips quite useful for making your lady feel loved. I have to say though (see my previous article) that if you’re just not that into her, or she’s just not that into you, and she’s really not the one for you, you’re probably not going to be able to pull this off with any conviction at all and your problems might be bigger than a lack of romance.

1. Physical touch. Touch your lady throughout the day, whether you’re a “physical touch” person or not – just do it. A stroke on the arm; a gentle hand against the small of her back; a kiss on the neck as you walk past her; holding her hand in the mall; etc.
2. Look at stuff she likes when you go shopping like: dresses; shoes; gifts for friends; etc. There will be times you drop her at a boutique while you move on to the cigar shop alone, but from time to time you need to shop with her for her benefit alone, just because it makes her happy; and when you do – smile, look interested, make insightful comments and tell her how item X, Y or Z suits her. She’ll do the same with you.
3. Listen, and make her feel like you’re listening. Don’t try and “fix” all her problems the moment she raises them – mostly she just needs to voice things to get them off her chest and settle emotions. Instead of saying things like, “why don’t you just…” or, “so why are you getting so upset about it?” try using words like “That must have been difficult…” or, “Really? How do you feel about that?”
4. Be honest. If you’re looking for a life partner there has to be complete openness and honesty. If honesty is going to break up your relationship then you’re with the wrong person. Find someone who can go through your list of dark secrets and still love you for who you are. She needs to be in a relationship with all of you, not just the parts you allow her to see (and vice versa). Honesty is the only way to intimacy, anything else is delusional.
5. On sex…Ok, this point is age restricted, but should be taught to all boys at a young age to bring about an evolution among our cavemen. Activate her senses through tender and sensual touch. Sex is not all about your orgasm… in fact it’s hardly about your orgasm at all! We all know how quick and easy it is for most men to orgasm, so don’t focus on this element when you’re with your lady, focus on her pleasure. Take time and use your hands (and anything else she’ll allow) to tenderly activate the nerves of her skin all over her body. Don’t just rub away at the same place every time – get creative and experiment with sensations and techniques and allow her to tell you what’s amazing and what’s not. You may just find that you get as much personal satisfaction from her pleasure as you do your own.
6. Make sacred time for each other. Every week there should be specific appointments with each other that you simply don’t allow anything to interfere with. You wouldn’t allow anything to disrupt your business meeting, so don’t allow work or kids or family or friends to disrupt your special time together. Make time to catch movies, chat, make love, do hobbies together etc. She’ll feel great if you actively defend those times from external threats.
7. Don’t lose your manners. Open the door for her; say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’; offer to dish up for her at a party and get her a drink; introduce her to people properly; carry stuff for her; etc.

This is a very short list and I’m sure women everywhere could add all sorts of interesting ideas to this article so go ahead and leave your comments.

Wow, what a title! If that doesn’t pull in some visitors then I don’t know what will. I write this article as a male who is tired of the never ending whining of women who make statements like, “My husband/boyfriend/lover is afraid of intimacy” or, “He’s not interested in intimacy, he just wants sex” or, “I’m really hoping we can go and see a therapist about his intimacy problems”… excuse me while I puke.

Firstly, let’s clear up what intimacy actually is – Wikipedia says: Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.

I know any number of couples, and I speak from painful personal experience, where the same woman complaining about intimacy in her husband is herself entirely deficient in the areas of dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocation. The uncomfortable truth about intimacy is that it takes two to tango. The reasons preventing women from wanting to become ‘vulnerable’ and ‘honest’ with their husbands may be the same reasons that give men the reputation of ‘not being intimate’.

Here are some myths that need busting:

Myth 1: Men fear commitment

Truth: Men are scared of committing to the wrong person for the rest of their lives. The idea of being with someone they don’t connect with on anything more than a superficial level, for the rest of their lives, is the stuff of nightmares.

Myth 2: Men only want sex

Truth: Of course men want sex, as do women, but unlike women, men can have sex just for fun, and don’t use it as the only assessment criteria of a good relationship. Men can have sex in the good times and the bad and, being poor at multitasking, tend not to relate their emotions during love making to every other emotion they’ve felt for the last month, blaming one on the other. Men want lots of things! If women were less critical about their partner’s sex drive and more interested in what really makes them tick, they’d be surprised to find a complex, emotional, thinking being with a great desire for intimacy and connectedness.

Myth 3: Men fear intimacy

The opposite is true. Men crave intimacy, but with the right person. Intimacy requires a connection, a chemistry, a coming together of souls. A man is not going to get intimate with someone that does not feed his spirit as much as he feeds theirs. True, many men can have sex with anyone and pretty much at any time, but believe me; they know the difference between sex and intimacy. In the heart of a man is the desire for a life partner, someone who will dig below the surface and find the real him, and when they do, will accept them for exactly who they are without judgment or intolerance. A man won’t be truly intimate with someone who judges him negatively for being who he is. He can have sex with such a person; he can smile and entertain guests with such a person… but his heart will remain closed.

Another point to consider here is (quoting another famous author) ‘He may just not be that into you’. You can’t force, manipulate or coerce someone into loving you – they either do or they don’t. Getting angry and making demands won’t improve the situation; it’ll just make it worse. Multitudes of counselors and therapists can’t flip a switch of love or intimacy in someone – the most they can accomplish is to offer tips for reasonable behavior. I have seen many good men reduced to well behaved pets who speak when they’re supposed to, smile at the right times and put on a good show for friends and family… inside they’re dying and longing for authenticity.

In summary: Contrary to the popular pro-women’s-needs philosophies so prolific in self help books, television talk shows and magazines; women would do well to stop and consider carefully the real dynamics at play in their relationships – not just what they’re ‘not getting’ from their male partners but a deeper look at the genuine commonalities and connectedness between them required for true intimacy. You may just find that you’re flogging a dead horse.

Watch this space for my upcoming article to men: How to make your woman feel loved

Sigh...

So what’s with the whole marriage thing? Who decided that people should get dressed in white and stand before a crowd of people and declare never-ending devotion and loyalty to one another? Most of us can’t work out what colour shirt to wear to work or whether we want chocolate or vanilla milkshake at McDonalds and yet we all freely accept that once we say the magic words “I do” we’ll somehow mysteriously be able to live with the other person till “Death do us part”, never forsaking them or tiring of them.

We are so insistent on doing this thing that people who don’t get married are pitied and “matched” for their supposed loneliness and lack of joy; people who get married without the white outfits and flowers are said to “elope” (which is a bad thing); and people who get married and then get unmarried (divorced – also a bad thing) are effectively shunned and ostracized by society in general and religion in particular.

So we are raised to believe that marriage is the acceptable norm… the way things should be… as though two people could not love each other “properly” without all the trappings of a marriage… as if long term relationships could ever work by being enforced… as if two people at age twenty something could know enough about the world or themselves to possibly understand if their choice is the right one.

What is it we’re so scared of? Do we think that unmarried lovers are going to bring down the judgement of God on society? Do we honestly believe that kids should care what labels we give to the relationship between their parents? Do we think that marriage will protect either partner against non-monogamy? Do we think that love can only be real after an event called a wedding?

In an age where we like to think we’ve evolved from the depths of ritual sacrifice, oppression of women and arbitrary invasions of small neighbouring countries, why is it that we haven’t evolved from the ancient mystical notion of marriage?

Now don’t get me wrong… I’m not for one moment suggesting that there is no such thing as true love or that people don’t find “soul mates” who they can happily spend the rest of their lives with, but all that can happen without the need for marriage and all the societal and cultural expectations that come with it. Marriage, like so many other mandatory cultural commitments is nothing more than another control mechanism that helps maintain the status quo and keeps the sheep all walking in straight lines.

I have no doubt that marriage will continue long into the future because it is so effective for keeping tabs on society – and the citizens of society will continue to get married as expected, just as they will continue to “go to church”, “say grace” before meals, “get an education”, “get a job”, “get a retirement policy” and so on. It’s just easier that way!