Deon Barnard

My first attempt at an erotic short story. Let me know what you think.

If you’re not 18, it’s time to leave.

John Baker had been staring at her across the waiting area of arrivals gate B for at least 5 minutes. She was everything he had imagined and more. For the last two years he had only communicated with Susan over Facebook, and his only image of her was the limited gallery of low resolution photos on her profile page.

They had met, like so many others, by a random referral from a mutual, however distant friend they had both already forgotten. It was virtual love at first read. They were both musicians and free thinkers and it didn’t take long for either of them to start sharing more intimately than they might have in the real world.

They had often invited one another to visit their respective cities, but life was too busy and complicated, and perhaps they were both a little apprehensive about the thought of meeting each other for the first time. As it happened Susan had to fly to Johannesburg for a friend’s wedding and John was happy to pick her up at the airport the day before the event. This was the first time they would have physical contact since meeting in virtual space two years earlier.

John immediately recognised Susan from her profile pictures, but his breath was taken away at the reality. He was frozen in place, almost as though he would somehow wake up from a very pleasant dream if he dared step out to meet her. Susan was beautiful, but not in any traditional way. She had dusty blond short hair that spiked and protruded irregularly as if to compete for attention with the rest of her. She was fairly tall at about 5 foot 11 inches. Her figure was curvaceous so that she was not thin at all but appealingly female in all the right places. Her robust thighs were covered in tight blue jeans with a suggestion of pink lace protruding tantalisingly against her tanned coastal skin. Her naval was perfectly formed and pierced against her petit waist, which was clearly visible below a short, tight, white, V-necked T-Shirt that exposed her ample cleavage and the top of a lacy pink bra.

John realised that she was beginning to look concerned as she stood in the centre of the waiting area with her luggage, and he stepped forward to greet her. As soon as he came into view she recognised him and beamed. Her smile nearly knocked John off his feet and he had to shake his head to stay focussed on the simple task of greeting her. They came together and embraced like two people who had loved each other for years. Instinctively they both moved to kiss the other lightly and found each other’s lips hard to release. The kiss lasted at least 2 seconds and they both felt the first stirrings of desire and the discomfort of having to quench it for this occasion.

“Oh my God! You look amazing!” exclaimed Susan with a huge smile.

“Hardly,” said John, pushing down the blush moving up his neck, “But you… wow! Your pictures don’t do the reality any justice.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” teased Susan.

“C’mon then, let me take these things for you,” said John, as he picked up her two reasonably heavy pieces of luggage. “You’re staying at my place tonight, as agreed. We’ve got lots to catch up on.”

By the time they arrived at John’s house, the two of them had already caught up on the basic facts and events of each other’s lives for the last few months. John helped Susan get her things into the spare room and told her to make herself at home while he put some coffee and snacks together.

“You don’t mind if I take a shower?” asked Susan. “It’s been a long trip and I need to wash the dust off.”

“Of course not. Make yourself completely at home!” With that, John left her room and headed for the kitchen.

As he walked away Susan considered John’s appearance. He was 6 foot 3 inches, with dark brown hair and green eyes. He was not athletic or seriously toned, but he had a healthy build and exuded strength and confidence. His face was assertive and thoughtful. His long fingers had her mind wandering to arbitrary comparisons. She smiled to herself and removed her clothes without closing the door.

John came out of the kitchen holding a tray with two cups of coffee and some chocolate brownies in a saucer. As he placed the tray on the table in the lounge he raised his eyes to see the open bedroom door and beyond through the open en suite bathroom door. He could see the left strip of the glass shower and the occasional glimpse of the curve of a hip or an arm as Susan lathered herself in soap. His heart began beating wildly and he turned away in an attempt to reverse the effects of his imagination on his stiffening manhood. It didn’t work. He heard Susan exit the shower and move into the bedroom where he knew she must be getting dressed in full view of him, except he was now seated with his back to her on his leather three-div couch.

Susan moved past him into the lounge, her hand stroking his shoulder as she passed around the couch. Electricity flowed through him. She glanced around and noticed that the leather three-div was about the most comfortable thing in the lounge. She sat down next to him. John watched silently, passion relentlessly building. Susan was now dressed in a flimsy pair of soft cotton shorts and a silky, semi-transparent, feminine floral top. It was clear that she was wearing no bra as her nipples danced under the silky sheen of her shirt. He raised his eyes and was immediately embarrassed to notice her noticing his appreciation.

“Susan I…” John began, but immediately she leaned close to him and placed a single elegant finger to his lips.

“Shhh…” she protested through a mischievous smile. “We’ve got lots of time for talking, but right now I think we both have other things on our minds.”

That was all John needed. Suddenly the situation changed as he pulled her close and using both hands, guided her face to his own and passionately kissed her. They kissed for an eternity, lips generous as they allowed each other access. They had two years of taste and touch and smell to catch up on and in this moment all their focussed longing and passion and desire for one another was brought into crystal clear focus.

Then suddenly, as though the realisation came to them both like explosions, their hands started grasping at fabric – peeling away each other’s layers in a frenzied feral madness. As soon as Susan’s shirt was removed and tossed aside John crushed her against his now naked torso. He had to feel her exquisite breasts naked against his chest. She in turn pressed against him as though her breasts were moles trying to burrow into his heart. Already his hands were deftly removing her shorts. She had nothing underneath, as he suspected. Her hands were stripping away his belt and opening his trousers. Quickly, so as not to lose a single precious moment he lay back and peeled off his own jeans, undies and socks in a single movement.

They were now both naked. Susan moved over him as he lay on his back. Their lips embraced again and now they were both aware of every inch of contact from their feet to their face. John felt the smooth skin of her feet against his, her right thigh between his legs and her soft shaven sex against his hip, already leaving the wet evidence of her arousal.

Now John synchronised his fingers and his tongue. With an aggressive thrust he entered her mouth with his tongue, while at the same time inserting two fingers firmly past the tender outer lips of her wet sex and pushing them deep inside her and upwards against her corrugated G-spot. Susan inhaled sharply and arched her back involuntarily as she gave in to a violent spasm of pleasure. John’s fingers continued to caress her inner pleasure, not allowing her more than mere moments to catch her breath before engulfing her in deep and violent kissing.

She had already unconsciously begun to stroke his shaft, squeezing tighter and stroking more vigorously as her climax approached. Then John could not tolerate it anymore, and with surprising strength and agility flipped Susan onto her back and moved over and into her, his full length plunging deep inside her lubricated and hungry opening. Within two thrusts Susan screamed in climactic ecstasy and threw her face into John’s shoulder, biting hard into his flesh. John thrust hard three more times amidst Susan’s erratic convulsions and then erupted inside her. She pulled him down to her and held him tightly as the tides of his release diminished.

Now they could focus on catching up…

I’m writing this under a tree in a field somewhere between Caledon and Swellendam in the Western Cape of South Africa. It has been some time since I wrote on my blog and I’ve been promising a few articles over the holiday season. I thought I’d start the blogging frenzy off by looking back at 2010 and working out how I feel about the past year of my life.

I was unmarried for the whole of 2010, having finalised my divorce in December 2009. This fact made it a very different and interesting year for me. It has certainly been the least confrontational and most peaceful year I’ve had in over thirteen. It has been a year of consolidation and even recovery in a way. For an entire year I’ve come home to smiles and calm, and looked forward to the sanctity of my castle on the hill… which it almost is, having the best view of Johannesburg possible! I have spent many nights this year looking over the world below and contemplating the mysteries of life with a good scotch and a cigar or pipe, feeling a little like Gandalf or Bilbo Baggins.

The reason for the peace at home is a most wonderful specimen of woman called Heather, who has lived with me in my castle all year. I have never met a more understanding, unflusterable, kind-hearted human in all my life. We talk together, walk together, cook together, read together, dance together, camp together and share pretty much everything without stress or defence or score keeping or the need to control. This alone could make life almost perfect, but there’s more. We’ve actively reawakened our youth together. We’ve visited interesting venues, clubs and restaurants. We’ve read important books. We’ve mixed fantastic cocktails and shooters. We’ve investigated and invested in our sexuality. We’ve made home together. We’ve explored rustic camp sites. We’ve created new gourmet recipes. We’ve nurtured our kids together. We’ve walked away from religion and established a wonderful group of friends together.

This year was also the launch of my blog (the one you’re reading); Rumble in the Pub (a philosophical discussion group that meets in a pub); and Primordial Soup (a podcast of interest to Atheists and Secular Freethinkers). Many of these activities have overflowed onto Facebook or vice versa resulting in a year of passionate debates and discussions on very stimulating topics and holy cows. I’ve been branded a Satanist and a cult leader on several occasions, despite the fact that I’m sure Satan does not exist and I have no ‘followers’ and preach no mysterious ‘doctrine’. I have offended hundreds of people by asking uncomfortable questions about religion and highlighting the scientific improbability of Gods and Pink Unicorns. I have read Dawkins, Harris, Sagan and Hitchens this year and dived wholeheartedly into scientific enquiry and philosophical thought experiment.

This has also been a year for physical recovery. I started the year hardly able to walk. My sciatic nerve was pinched, and combined with poor fitness and the shortest hamstrings in the galaxy, I could only tolerate standing for five minutes at a time. In desperation I visited a Biokineticist for three months, once a week, who stretched my legs and back until at times I felt I would snap in half, until finally I had mobility again. I also started wall climbing which instantly became my favourite sport ever. The combination of stretching and building physical strength has restored me to be able to run and hike and stand and walk for hours and hours again. If there was a God I’d probably thank him… but as it is I’m just extremely pleased J.

On the down side (there’s always a down side), my ex wife moved to Natal with my children. Finances and distance has resulted in me not seeing them nearly as much as I want to. The times I’ve had with them have been special and precious, but I’ve missed out on a bunch of the good stuff, the daily gems of life. There are times when this overwhelms me with sadness and I have to stop myself crying out loud in random public places. I also know that they have a good life, both in Natal with their mom and here with me, and they’re growing into fantastic, and I deeply hope, rational human beings. I’m hoping to remedy the time issue this year, but it will be a challenge.

This has been an enormously busy year with many personal and public events taking place. I helped organise a 20 year matric reunion which was a roaring success in November. South Africa hosted the Fifa world cup football event in July (I attended the France/Mexico game in Polokwane with my boys). I hosted a rocking fancy dress birthday party in November. Heather and I moved into our home on the hill in May. We both started new Jobs early in the year. We went camping in February in Amanzimtoti, and October in Nottingham Road. We hosted a Rumble in the Midlands in December at the same Nottingham Road camp site. And the list goes on and on.

All in all I’d have to call 2010 a watershed year. A year of rebirth and success. A year of writing and reading. A year of friendships and discovery. A year of sex and wonder. A year of food and drink. A year of health and prosperity. If 2011 is even half as good as 2010 I say, “Bring it on!!”

Imagine a normal person, someone from Mars or Venus – an average middle class, church going human being that has two and a half kids, watches rugby, has picnics at the local park, and attends parents/teachers meetings and scrapbook clubs. Now imagine this person accidentally, or by some other mysterious coincidence, finds themselves at a Warhammer club somewhere in Johannesburg one night. Their first thought might be, “Oh. My. God!! What planet do these people come from??!!” And they wouldn’t be far wrong – you see, Warhammer players come from the planet Pluto, which has recently been declassified as a planet, but that suits Warhammer players down to the ground.

On Pluto the average E.Q. of people is about 12 – there are small shrubs on that planet that are more socially captivating – however, the average I.Q. is about 200. Ask them what a female g-spot is and you’re likely to be drowned in a chorus of blank stares (and wondering if you’ve stumbled across the set of ‘Village of the Damned’), but ask them the statistical probability of a five rank unit of spear elves with a standard of balance breaking a unit of witch elves with ASF and a death hag in it in one round of combat and they’ll instantly respond with percentages ranging from 15.7 to 42.3 as well as a heated debate about the pros and cons of paying for a musician.

Another puzzling phenomenon on Pluto is the incredible focus and endurance of Plutonians. These people can play five back to back games, each lasting two to three hours, and at the end of 15 solid hours of gaming interrupted by nothing but two toilet breaks, they will proceed to explain the results of every dice roll that occurred during that day to anyone willing to listen. After an hour or two of passionate recounting they will go home and sacrifice a night of sleep as their brains continue to process every move, roll and decision they made during the day, again and again. On waking the following day they are able to do it all again on nothing more than a bacon roll and a cup of coffee. Truly remarkable!

From time to time a daring Plutonian will attempt to start a conversation not related to gaming – usually when this happens there is some nervous twitching and frightened looking about. If the group feels that their status quo is not in danger of being completely devastated they will tentatively add to the pool of conversation, all the time hoping that the diversion doesn’t last too long. A typical conversation might go like this:

• So, anyone see the news about Eugene Terreblanche dying?
• Uh, yes. Hmmmph.
• Oh well, I guess he had it coming.
• Yeah. Yip. Poor guy, he had no chance.
• Nope. Got hacked by two guys with pangas.
• Fuck. That’s like an Empire captain with one wound left getting taken out by two black Orcs with extra hand weapons…
• Geez! You’re right!
• No way! Did you see how Sean took out my black Orcs with his Hellblaster!
• I hate Hellblasters… (etc)

One of the most visible signs that they come from another planet is their immunity to Venutian magic. Take a pretty Venutian to an all Martian braai for instance and she can single handedly stop all proceedings as Martians drop braai tongs, spill beer and cease conversation, completely bewitched. Take a pretty Venutian to a Plutonian event and nobody skips a beat – in fact most Plutonians are not even aware that she is present, such is their supernatural focus and cerebral distraction.

Martian expats are not always easily accepted on Pluto, but if you’re planning an extended visit any time soon, here are some tips for getting by on Pluto:

1. Read the rule books. These are Plutonian dictionaries. It’s easier to get by when you can speak Plutonian.
2. Don’t hug Plutonians! They don’t do hugs unless they’re French. (You might be able to hug their Venutian mates, but don’t push it.)
3. Tone down your enthusiasm. Plutonians are cool and reserved on the whole, unless they’re rolling 1′s or 6′s.
4. Don’t mention cheese. They don’t like cheese – especially the smelly blue kind.
5. Black T-Shirts with gothic prints are essential.
6. Paint your shit. Plutonians respect painted shit.

You will not see this article on National Geographic!

At about age 35 (or thereabouts) you start to see the world differently; you don’t feel any different in your core personality, but you’ve banged your head enough times and been dealt enough crappy cards to start questioning a few things and even start regretting some of the decisions of your youth – in a word you grow up. Ok, so that’s two words… Melancholics!

One of the things that changed for me was that I finally realized I wasn’t Superman. Yes, I used to believe I could jump tall buildings in a single bound, and almost could; or win every argument through sheer force of character, without knowledge; or cure cancer, in Jesus name! Now I’m happy if I can get through a day without taking Voltaren for my back or finding a letter from a creditor in the post box. Things aren’t as simple now as they were at age 18, and although that doesn’t make life any less worth living, it does sometimes make me wish I could go back in time and give myself some advice or at least a klap across the head. So here are some of the things I would tell myself – some of them I worked out early on my own and others… well, I wish I had.

1.    Travel. There is a huge difference between those that have left the caves of their miniscule existence in their home, their suburb, their local McDonalds, and those who haven’t. People who travel develop a balanced world view and a level of tolerance that you don’t find in insular communities.

2.    Get a degree. It really doesn’t matter what degree, just do the three to five years required to get the certificate. This develops the habit for reading and study in your adult years, but most importantly it opens vital career opportunities. On the flip side if you’re well into your twenties or more and don’t have a degree then start one now – it’s never too late.

3.    Learn how to use a computer. I can’t stress this enough. It won’t be long before most of our activities are virtual. You need to enter the working world with I.T. competency – right now that means knowing your way around Microsoft Office and the Internet as a minimum standard.

4.    Turn off the TV. Read my two articles on the matter. ‘Nuff said.

5.    Learn about accounting and tax. Whether you’re going to spontaneously launch your own small business or just keep your personal affairs in order, you’re going to need to know how these things work. Save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache and learn this young!

6.    Think twice about getting married young… or even at all. Sure, society has been promoting this way of life since the beginning of time, but the facts are overwhelming against marital success, especially for those who marry young. I know the religious among us gasp in astonishment at this notion, but let them gasp, and you live your life with your eyes wide open. Love because you want to love, not because you’re looking to find a slave you can control forever, or become a slave to a religious or legal contract. Love, intimacy and commitment have nothing to do with contracts. If you are married, chill – I’m not speaking a death sentence over your relationship, but many of you, if you were honest enough to admit it, would agree that it may not have been the best idea ever.

7.    Have sex. If you have a (consensual) lover or spouse, don’t deny each other; pleasure each other; give each other plenty of orgasms; spend tons of time being naked together; and liberate your sexuality. Society in general and religion in particular make us deny our sexuality, relegating it to embarrassing conversations in private corners; or dingy downtown porn shops; or to the purpose of procreation alone (in the missionary position of course). This is insane! People who don’t have regular sex are usually miserable and uptight. Be safe of course!

8.    Live according to your means. I see thousands of young people living someone else’s dream for their lives, which generally involves buying a house in a suburb; and a luxury car; and a swimming pool; and the latest in technology; and… and… and! If you want to be an artist then you should go ahead and pursue your dream, but understand that it will mean being real about how you live and what you have. At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter if you’re living in a one bedroom flat in the middle of the city if you’re doing what you’re passionate about. You can always swim in someone else’s pool.

9.    Learn another language. The joke goes, “What do you call someone who speaks three languages?” (Trilingual), “Good, and what do you call someone who speaks two languages?” (Bilingual), “Good, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?” (American). One of the most useful things you will ever do is learn another language. It will open your mind and improve your capacity for understanding the world you live.

10.    Don’t always follow the rules. Some rules make sense and following them is wisdom. Some rules make no sense at all and are designed to control you or keep you from inconveniencing someone else at your expense. Some rules have been there for hundreds of years and no one can remember who made them or why we’re still following them. Some rules are worthy and yet at times it is still wisdom to break them for a worthier purpose. Question the rules you live by, ask yourself why they’re there and whether those reasons make sense. The greatest men (and women) in history became great because they broke a rule, not because they were sheep who blindly followed. See my article on being a salmon, not a sheep. There are worse things in life than getting into trouble – living without passion is one of them.

Hmmm… I think this needs another post.

Despite the many stresses in my life: recent divorce; training slowdown; alienation from most of my Christian friends; the prospect of my kids moving to another city; and 20 years of back pain; I am insanely optimistic about life! This is partly because I was blessed with Sanguine genetics, and partly because I revel in the glory of life. There is beauty and greatness and wonder everywhere; and from time to time I even meet some decent people. Here are some of the things that make life great for me; they’re simple things and personal to me, but I hope they make someone relook at their life with a sense of balance and renewed interest. So, in no particular order:

1. McMuffin McMeal breakfasts

“But they make you fat” – what…ever!! Heaven on a English muffin, and McD’s make a great cappuccino.

2. Camping with my kids

There’s nothing better in this world for me. Collecting wood with the boys for evening campfires; hiking through the bush; lunches at waterfalls; braai’d marshmallows; catching frogs and worms for fishing; whittling walking sticks; and fire-baked bread.

3. Tabletop war games

I’ve been playing complex tabletop war games for about 8 years now, mostly Warhammer, a hobby that involves assembling and painting miniature soldiers, and then warring against an opponent on miniature lifelike terrain using tape measures, handfuls of dice and hundreds of pages of intricate rules. It appeals to my whole personality and is an outlet for so many of my interests and passions: creativity; warfare; history; statistics; strategy; mathematics; fantasy; competition; and not least of all, beers and laughter with friends.

4. Music

I couldn’t live without music. I’m always singing a song in my head and tapping out rhythms on every surface I pass. Whenever I walk into a shop or a mall I’m always instantly aware of what’s playing behind the noise of the crowd. I might be walking with a friend and tell them, “I haven’t heard this song for years” and their response is, “what song?” because they haven’t even noticed the music yet in the noise of the crowd. I had a band in Durban some years back and if I had the space now I’d start another. I often get lost in a song while driving and end up travelling 10km past my destination. I’m currently listening to Muse, Killers, Evanescence, Live and Pink Floyd. Music heals me and gives me a place to express all the emotion that is so ‘unacceptable’ in polite society.

5. Cigars, whisky and leather couches

If I’m thinking of a night out, I look for a Karaoke bar (see previous point) or a cigar lounge. I can spend many hours with a long cigar and a good scotch on a luxurious leather couch with a close friend and a philosophical point to ponder. Unfortunately I don’t seem to have too many friends who share this notion or even know what it looks like, but that just gives me another bucket list goal – to start a cigar club; I’ll call it Plato’s pit.

6. Training

Not many people can put their jobs on a list of favourite things to do, but I get to earn a living doing the thing I love most – teaching; motivating; inspiring; encouraging; and challenging people. Through all the changes and career shifts of my life, this one thing has been constant. As a missionary, I trained. As a pastor, I trained. As an IT manager, I trained. As a school teacher, I trained. I finally worked what I was and started calling myself a trainer.

7. Sex

One of the most negative effects of religion in society is that it demonizes sex. Possibly the most glorious expression of beauty and love and pleasure known to man has been reduced to some sort of secret activity that shouldn’t be discussed or thought about outside of the narrow requirements of a particular religion, sect or societal norm. People who think about sex “too much” are labeled “perverts” and have a “problem” – gimme a break! The vast majority of men are thinking about sex all the time, because it’s great! Anyway, enough ranting from me; I’ll write another article on the subject, but needless to say, sex is one of those things that make my life great!

8. Technology

If it’s got buttons, microchips, software, lights or makes noise – I love it! I live in a great era where technology doubles in the world every couple of years – wow – and because of my intuitive relationship with all things IT, I get to have tons of fun and learn new things every day.

9. Cooking (and eating)

I’m always surprised by people (especially moms) who throw baked beans on toast for supper because they feel “uninspired” about cooking a meal. For these folk cooking has become a necessary chore and food is nothing more than fuel to keep the family running. I have never felt that way about cooking – even when I’m doing it every day. Cooking is an opportunity to stretch the right brain daily and at the end of it you get to eat cool stuff too, what could be better? It’s like finger painting with ingredients! I get hungry just thinking about it: coconut curries; tomato pastas; vegetable bakes; stuffed Hungarian cabbage rolls; sticky sweet chicken breasts; creamy Greek salads… sigh.

There you go. Let me know what gives your lives meaning.

After my article on what women don’t understand about men and intimacy, women might think I’m only putting forward a male point of view so, as promised, here’s an article that most men could do with reading.

I was recently talking to a male friend of mine from France who was appalled at the South African male condition, which I’m sure is not much different to the Australian or American condition. His impression of South African males was that we have no clue about romance or seduction and that the closest we ever get to love talk is, “Hey babe, let’s have a quick pomp before the rugby”. We are very busy trying to convince everyone how masculine we are by putting on a macho façade and thinking that’s what chicks dig. Anything that’s pink, scented, soft, tender or romantic is “gay”… and the average redneck is seriously homophobic (a little insecure me thinks). This is a huge problem for our guys, because the stuff that really appeals to the heart of a woman is going to require dropping the macho routine and embarking on a journey of feeling and articulation and tenderness, all very gay or course… NOT!!

So men, if you can get out of your fighting, mocking, TV watching, distracted by sports, burping, farting, and sarcasm, state of mind for half a minute, you might find the following tips quite useful for making your lady feel loved. I have to say though (see my previous article) that if you’re just not that into her, or she’s just not that into you, and she’s really not the one for you, you’re probably not going to be able to pull this off with any conviction at all and your problems might be bigger than a lack of romance.

1. Physical touch. Touch your lady throughout the day, whether you’re a “physical touch” person or not – just do it. A stroke on the arm; a gentle hand against the small of her back; a kiss on the neck as you walk past her; holding her hand in the mall; etc.
2. Look at stuff she likes when you go shopping like: dresses; shoes; gifts for friends; etc. There will be times you drop her at a boutique while you move on to the cigar shop alone, but from time to time you need to shop with her for her benefit alone, just because it makes her happy; and when you do – smile, look interested, make insightful comments and tell her how item X, Y or Z suits her. She’ll do the same with you.
3. Listen, and make her feel like you’re listening. Don’t try and “fix” all her problems the moment she raises them – mostly she just needs to voice things to get them off her chest and settle emotions. Instead of saying things like, “why don’t you just…” or, “so why are you getting so upset about it?” try using words like “That must have been difficult…” or, “Really? How do you feel about that?”
4. Be honest. If you’re looking for a life partner there has to be complete openness and honesty. If honesty is going to break up your relationship then you’re with the wrong person. Find someone who can go through your list of dark secrets and still love you for who you are. She needs to be in a relationship with all of you, not just the parts you allow her to see (and vice versa). Honesty is the only way to intimacy, anything else is delusional.
5. On sex…Ok, this point is age restricted, but should be taught to all boys at a young age to bring about an evolution among our cavemen. Activate her senses through tender and sensual touch. Sex is not all about your orgasm… in fact it’s hardly about your orgasm at all! We all know how quick and easy it is for most men to orgasm, so don’t focus on this element when you’re with your lady, focus on her pleasure. Take time and use your hands (and anything else she’ll allow) to tenderly activate the nerves of her skin all over her body. Don’t just rub away at the same place every time – get creative and experiment with sensations and techniques and allow her to tell you what’s amazing and what’s not. You may just find that you get as much personal satisfaction from her pleasure as you do your own.
6. Make sacred time for each other. Every week there should be specific appointments with each other that you simply don’t allow anything to interfere with. You wouldn’t allow anything to disrupt your business meeting, so don’t allow work or kids or family or friends to disrupt your special time together. Make time to catch movies, chat, make love, do hobbies together etc. She’ll feel great if you actively defend those times from external threats.
7. Don’t lose your manners. Open the door for her; say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’; offer to dish up for her at a party and get her a drink; introduce her to people properly; carry stuff for her; etc.

This is a very short list and I’m sure women everywhere could add all sorts of interesting ideas to this article so go ahead and leave your comments.

Wow, what a title! If that doesn’t pull in some visitors then I don’t know what will. I write this article as a male who is tired of the never ending whining of women who make statements like, “My husband/boyfriend/lover is afraid of intimacy” or, “He’s not interested in intimacy, he just wants sex” or, “I’m really hoping we can go and see a therapist about his intimacy problems”… excuse me while I puke.

Firstly, let’s clear up what intimacy actually is – Wikipedia says: Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.

I know any number of couples, and I speak from painful personal experience, where the same woman complaining about intimacy in her husband is herself entirely deficient in the areas of dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocation. The uncomfortable truth about intimacy is that it takes two to tango. The reasons preventing women from wanting to become ‘vulnerable’ and ‘honest’ with their husbands may be the same reasons that give men the reputation of ‘not being intimate’.

Here are some myths that need busting:

Myth 1: Men fear commitment

Truth: Men are scared of committing to the wrong person for the rest of their lives. The idea of being with someone they don’t connect with on anything more than a superficial level, for the rest of their lives, is the stuff of nightmares.

Myth 2: Men only want sex

Truth: Of course men want sex, as do women, but unlike women, men can have sex just for fun, and don’t use it as the only assessment criteria of a good relationship. Men can have sex in the good times and the bad and, being poor at multitasking, tend not to relate their emotions during love making to every other emotion they’ve felt for the last month, blaming one on the other. Men want lots of things! If women were less critical about their partner’s sex drive and more interested in what really makes them tick, they’d be surprised to find a complex, emotional, thinking being with a great desire for intimacy and connectedness.

Myth 3: Men fear intimacy

The opposite is true. Men crave intimacy, but with the right person. Intimacy requires a connection, a chemistry, a coming together of souls. A man is not going to get intimate with someone that does not feed his spirit as much as he feeds theirs. True, many men can have sex with anyone and pretty much at any time, but believe me; they know the difference between sex and intimacy. In the heart of a man is the desire for a life partner, someone who will dig below the surface and find the real him, and when they do, will accept them for exactly who they are without judgment or intolerance. A man won’t be truly intimate with someone who judges him negatively for being who he is. He can have sex with such a person; he can smile and entertain guests with such a person… but his heart will remain closed.

Another point to consider here is (quoting another famous author) ‘He may just not be that into you’. You can’t force, manipulate or coerce someone into loving you – they either do or they don’t. Getting angry and making demands won’t improve the situation; it’ll just make it worse. Multitudes of counselors and therapists can’t flip a switch of love or intimacy in someone – the most they can accomplish is to offer tips for reasonable behavior. I have seen many good men reduced to well behaved pets who speak when they’re supposed to, smile at the right times and put on a good show for friends and family… inside they’re dying and longing for authenticity.

In summary: Contrary to the popular pro-women’s-needs philosophies so prolific in self help books, television talk shows and magazines; women would do well to stop and consider carefully the real dynamics at play in their relationships – not just what they’re ‘not getting’ from their male partners but a deeper look at the genuine commonalities and connectedness between them required for true intimacy. You may just find that you’re flogging a dead horse.

Watch this space for my upcoming article to men: How to make your woman feel loved

We live in a time where a vast universe of drugs and supplements are easily available for the upkeep of our health. We live in a time of over-the-counter cures for almost any ailment; a time where patients are able to diagnose their problems just as accurately as their GPs; and nothing is impossible in the realm of plastic surgery and physical makeovers. It is now fashionable to be a green; fat-free; smoothie-drinking; vegan. So why is nobody healthy?

Despite our chemical, surgical and neurological wizardry, I see thousands of unhealthy people around me every day, young people, even kids complaining about back aches, headaches, neck aches, leg aches, nausea, tiredness and so on. Could we be missing the real cause of these problems? Sure, sitting bent over a computer for 8 hours a day is going to have an impact on your general state of health, and sitting staring at TV all night is not improving the situation much, but I believe we’re not tackling the real problem. There is a cure, an instrument of great healing that does not require surgery, medication or gym membership. It is a three letter word.

Joy.

We have lost our Joy. It is scientifically proven that happy people are healthier people. Happiness results in a release of chemicals that bring recovery and healing. Stress and depression release chemicals that result in inflammation and other nasty long term effects. Unhappy people are much more prone to developing diabetes, cancer, heart disease and other nightmarish problems. It is easy to recognize the positive effects of happiness in your own life by considering how great you feel after laughing so hard that you want to pee, or hearing that you’re not actually in trouble when you thought you were, or lying in spiritual bliss after a mind blowing orgasm…

The obvious question then is, “how do we get happy?” Don’t be fooled into thinking that my above examples of ‘feeling happy’ are the method for finding long term happiness. I merely use these as examples of the powerful chemical effect that even temporary joy can have on your life. By their very nature these things will give you an instant rush of the good stuff and then (if you have no real joy in your life to start with) will drop you like a sack of potatoes – kinda like the sugar rush my son experiences after a monster piece of double-death-by-chocolate-mouse-cake that has him bouncing around like a bionic gummi bear for 40 minutes, then leaving him in a pile of morbid, energy-deficient uselessness for the rest of the day. What we all need is to find that constant joy that works like low GI bread and keeps you at optimal health and happiness all the time. Here’s how:

1. Make a conscious choice to stop being fearful. Write a list of all the things you’re worried about or that scare you, then one at a time, preferably with the support of someone you trust, face each of your fears and overcome them. This may take months or years, but you’ll be getting healthier with each victory.
2. Uncover your dream. What do you want for your future? Go deep – yeah sure you want a new handbag or new car, but how do you want to make a difference and impact your world? Write it down, draw pictures, cut out magazines and make a collage of your potential future and then look at it every day, willing yourself toward it. It’s hard to be depressed while you’re living your dream. (If you need help with this, invite me for a seminar or workshop)
3. Get honest about your baggage! What’s holding you down in your life? It could be a person (or people), a job, an attitude, a time waster, an addiction etc. Identify the thing, stare it in the face, make plans to get rid of it – then chuck it! You’ll never be happy if you’re a slave to someone (or something) else’s expectations of who or what you should be.
4. Love. Allow yourself to love people. Anyone. Everyone. I’m not proposing that you do whatever others tell you to do (that becomes baggage); or that you believe everything you hear (because most of what you hear will be rubbish); or that you don’t recognize evil, stupidity and deceit when you see it. What I’m saying is, open your heart to people. Withhold judgment. Associate with people who are poorer than you, richer than you, speak a different language or have a different skin colour.

I’m sure there are many other things that will improve your long term happiness quotient but my suggestions will certainly get you on the right path.

Have a look at these articles on the link between happiness and health

• reuters
• realage
• futurity

Sigh...

So what’s with the whole marriage thing? Who decided that people should get dressed in white and stand before a crowd of people and declare never-ending devotion and loyalty to one another? Most of us can’t work out what colour shirt to wear to work or whether we want chocolate or vanilla milkshake at McDonalds and yet we all freely accept that once we say the magic words “I do” we’ll somehow mysteriously be able to live with the other person till “Death do us part”, never forsaking them or tiring of them.

We are so insistent on doing this thing that people who don’t get married are pitied and “matched” for their supposed loneliness and lack of joy; people who get married without the white outfits and flowers are said to “elope” (which is a bad thing); and people who get married and then get unmarried (divorced – also a bad thing) are effectively shunned and ostracized by society in general and religion in particular.

So we are raised to believe that marriage is the acceptable norm… the way things should be… as though two people could not love each other “properly” without all the trappings of a marriage… as if long term relationships could ever work by being enforced… as if two people at age twenty something could know enough about the world or themselves to possibly understand if their choice is the right one.

What is it we’re so scared of? Do we think that unmarried lovers are going to bring down the judgement of God on society? Do we honestly believe that kids should care what labels we give to the relationship between their parents? Do we think that marriage will protect either partner against non-monogamy? Do we think that love can only be real after an event called a wedding?

In an age where we like to think we’ve evolved from the depths of ritual sacrifice, oppression of women and arbitrary invasions of small neighbouring countries, why is it that we haven’t evolved from the ancient mystical notion of marriage?

Now don’t get me wrong… I’m not for one moment suggesting that there is no such thing as true love or that people don’t find “soul mates” who they can happily spend the rest of their lives with, but all that can happen without the need for marriage and all the societal and cultural expectations that come with it. Marriage, like so many other mandatory cultural commitments is nothing more than another control mechanism that helps maintain the status quo and keeps the sheep all walking in straight lines.

I have no doubt that marriage will continue long into the future because it is so effective for keeping tabs on society – and the citizens of society will continue to get married as expected, just as they will continue to “go to church”, “say grace” before meals, “get an education”, “get a job”, “get a retirement policy” and so on. It’s just easier that way!