Deon Barnard

I’m writing this under a tree in a field somewhere between Caledon and Swellendam in the Western Cape of South Africa. It has been some time since I wrote on my blog and I’ve been promising a few articles over the holiday season. I thought I’d start the blogging frenzy off by looking back at 2010 and working out how I feel about the past year of my life.

I was unmarried for the whole of 2010, having finalised my divorce in December 2009. This fact made it a very different and interesting year for me. It has certainly been the least confrontational and most peaceful year I’ve had in over thirteen. It has been a year of consolidation and even recovery in a way. For an entire year I’ve come home to smiles and calm, and looked forward to the sanctity of my castle on the hill… which it almost is, having the best view of Johannesburg possible! I have spent many nights this year looking over the world below and contemplating the mysteries of life with a good scotch and a cigar or pipe, feeling a little like Gandalf or Bilbo Baggins.

The reason for the peace at home is a most wonderful specimen of woman called Heather, who has lived with me in my castle all year. I have never met a more understanding, unflusterable, kind-hearted human in all my life. We talk together, walk together, cook together, read together, dance together, camp together and share pretty much everything without stress or defence or score keeping or the need to control. This alone could make life almost perfect, but there’s more. We’ve actively reawakened our youth together. We’ve visited interesting venues, clubs and restaurants. We’ve read important books. We’ve mixed fantastic cocktails and shooters. We’ve investigated and invested in our sexuality. We’ve made home together. We’ve explored rustic camp sites. We’ve created new gourmet recipes. We’ve nurtured our kids together. We’ve walked away from religion and established a wonderful group of friends together.

This year was also the launch of my blog (the one you’re reading); Rumble in the Pub (a philosophical discussion group that meets in a pub); and Primordial Soup (a podcast of interest to Atheists and Secular Freethinkers). Many of these activities have overflowed onto Facebook or vice versa resulting in a year of passionate debates and discussions on very stimulating topics and holy cows. I’ve been branded a Satanist and a cult leader on several occasions, despite the fact that I’m sure Satan does not exist and I have no ‘followers’ and preach no mysterious ‘doctrine’. I have offended hundreds of people by asking uncomfortable questions about religion and highlighting the scientific improbability of Gods and Pink Unicorns. I have read Dawkins, Harris, Sagan and Hitchens this year and dived wholeheartedly into scientific enquiry and philosophical thought experiment.

This has also been a year for physical recovery. I started the year hardly able to walk. My sciatic nerve was pinched, and combined with poor fitness and the shortest hamstrings in the galaxy, I could only tolerate standing for five minutes at a time. In desperation I visited a Biokineticist for three months, once a week, who stretched my legs and back until at times I felt I would snap in half, until finally I had mobility again. I also started wall climbing which instantly became my favourite sport ever. The combination of stretching and building physical strength has restored me to be able to run and hike and stand and walk for hours and hours again. If there was a God I’d probably thank him… but as it is I’m just extremely pleased J.

On the down side (there’s always a down side), my ex wife moved to Natal with my children. Finances and distance has resulted in me not seeing them nearly as much as I want to. The times I’ve had with them have been special and precious, but I’ve missed out on a bunch of the good stuff, the daily gems of life. There are times when this overwhelms me with sadness and I have to stop myself crying out loud in random public places. I also know that they have a good life, both in Natal with their mom and here with me, and they’re growing into fantastic, and I deeply hope, rational human beings. I’m hoping to remedy the time issue this year, but it will be a challenge.

This has been an enormously busy year with many personal and public events taking place. I helped organise a 20 year matric reunion which was a roaring success in November. South Africa hosted the Fifa world cup football event in July (I attended the France/Mexico game in Polokwane with my boys). I hosted a rocking fancy dress birthday party in November. Heather and I moved into our home on the hill in May. We both started new Jobs early in the year. We went camping in February in Amanzimtoti, and October in Nottingham Road. We hosted a Rumble in the Midlands in December at the same Nottingham Road camp site. And the list goes on and on.

All in all I’d have to call 2010 a watershed year. A year of rebirth and success. A year of writing and reading. A year of friendships and discovery. A year of sex and wonder. A year of food and drink. A year of health and prosperity. If 2011 is even half as good as 2010 I say, “Bring it on!!”

There’s a cheesy but true cliché that goes, “If you don’t believe in yourself, nobody else will”. I have spent my entire life overcoming my inadequacies with self belief. Growing up as a child I had really bad acne – the kind that had other kids making jokes about the first moon on the man. I also had rounded shoulders from a scoliosis of the spine, snowy dandruff, no detectable biceps and I really sucked at ball sports like soccer, cricket and rugby, which had me aimlessly running around the field, missing passes and goals. I was always delighted when I got a glancing touch on the ball – even if I was just an obstacle in the way of a cannon-like boot from a team mate.

Despite all this I believed in myself – not in a spiritual, ‘God is on my side’ kind of way, but rather in a mathematical probability kind of way – the kind of way that had me reasoning that if I tried enough things I would finally find something I could do ‘better than average’. I ‘evolved’ through a process not too dissimilar to Darwin’s ‘Natural Selection’ whereby I gave up on the things I was clearly destined to fail at and applied more energy to the things I showed some promise for. In this process of elimination which probably started in about grade 4, I tried my hand at everything! I tried every track and field event that existed and found that although I sprinted about as fast as a giraffe running on well oiled ice, my long legs were a great advantage for hurdles, high jump, the 1500m run and the 3000m walking race for which I won a few Johannesburg boys records. I tried my hand at tumbling, ballet, choir, debating, drama, speech, rugby, soccer, cricket, chess, math & science contests, art contest and other activities – many of which I suffered humiliating failure at.

During this time of trial and error, and several embarrassing blunders I’d rather not remember, I was also finding myself, and realizing that my set of skills was unique, and that I didn’t need to be like anyone else or impress anyone else with something I was never going to be impressive with. I started to get a sense of my strengths and weaknesses and realized that I would have to use the weapons at my disposal to achieve success in my own life and not try and shoot with someone else’s gun. Today I consult… and train… and speak… and design… and cook and hundreds of other things because I still try everything in my quest to uncover all the hidden weapons in my arsenal. For everything I find I’m good at, there are five other things I suck at first – but if I don’t try I’ll never know.

I know that many people reading this article allow low self esteem to railroad their success and discovery. For you every failure is just another ‘sign’ to give up and throw in the towel. Some people are looking for anything that will back up their opinion that they’re a failure. In my journey I have learned a few things about life I’d like to share in simple terms – I hope something speaks to you:

• If you don’t believe in yourself – no one else will – really!!!
• Most people give up just before they’re about to break through.
• Everyone is the best in the world at something.
• You can do anything – you just haven’t learned how yet.
• It’s OK to have enemies. If everyone likes you, something’s wrong.
• Help other people become great and your success will follow.
• Don’t EVER be scared to ask questions. Pretending to be clever is really dumb.
• Don’t rate your successes and failures by other people’s standards. You have to live your life – not them!
• Don’t tolerate people talking down to you or dismissing your potential. Stand up for yourself.
• Don’t live other people’s dreams – live your own.
• Don’t get freaked out when people tease or ridicule you about your inadequacies, it’s just their own self hatred manifesting. Don’t ever tease other people in this way – you’re poisoning yourself.
• Try everything once before you say you can’t or that you don’t ‘like’ it.
• Understand your limitations. Maximize your strengths.
• When you fail, get over it!!! Get up, and get going again.

At about age 35 (or thereabouts) you start to see the world differently; you don’t feel any different in your core personality, but you’ve banged your head enough times and been dealt enough crappy cards to start questioning a few things and even start regretting some of the decisions of your youth – in a word you grow up. Ok, so that’s two words… Melancholics!

One of the things that changed for me was that I finally realized I wasn’t Superman. Yes, I used to believe I could jump tall buildings in a single bound, and almost could; or win every argument through sheer force of character, without knowledge; or cure cancer, in Jesus name! Now I’m happy if I can get through a day without taking Voltaren for my back or finding a letter from a creditor in the post box. Things aren’t as simple now as they were at age 18, and although that doesn’t make life any less worth living, it does sometimes make me wish I could go back in time and give myself some advice or at least a klap across the head. So here are some of the things I would tell myself – some of them I worked out early on my own and others… well, I wish I had.

1.    Travel. There is a huge difference between those that have left the caves of their miniscule existence in their home, their suburb, their local McDonalds, and those who haven’t. People who travel develop a balanced world view and a level of tolerance that you don’t find in insular communities.

2.    Get a degree. It really doesn’t matter what degree, just do the three to five years required to get the certificate. This develops the habit for reading and study in your adult years, but most importantly it opens vital career opportunities. On the flip side if you’re well into your twenties or more and don’t have a degree then start one now – it’s never too late.

3.    Learn how to use a computer. I can’t stress this enough. It won’t be long before most of our activities are virtual. You need to enter the working world with I.T. competency – right now that means knowing your way around Microsoft Office and the Internet as a minimum standard.

4.    Turn off the TV. Read my two articles on the matter. ‘Nuff said.

5.    Learn about accounting and tax. Whether you’re going to spontaneously launch your own small business or just keep your personal affairs in order, you’re going to need to know how these things work. Save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache and learn this young!

6.    Think twice about getting married young… or even at all. Sure, society has been promoting this way of life since the beginning of time, but the facts are overwhelming against marital success, especially for those who marry young. I know the religious among us gasp in astonishment at this notion, but let them gasp, and you live your life with your eyes wide open. Love because you want to love, not because you’re looking to find a slave you can control forever, or become a slave to a religious or legal contract. Love, intimacy and commitment have nothing to do with contracts. If you are married, chill – I’m not speaking a death sentence over your relationship, but many of you, if you were honest enough to admit it, would agree that it may not have been the best idea ever.

7.    Have sex. If you have a (consensual) lover or spouse, don’t deny each other; pleasure each other; give each other plenty of orgasms; spend tons of time being naked together; and liberate your sexuality. Society in general and religion in particular make us deny our sexuality, relegating it to embarrassing conversations in private corners; or dingy downtown porn shops; or to the purpose of procreation alone (in the missionary position of course). This is insane! People who don’t have regular sex are usually miserable and uptight. Be safe of course!

8.    Live according to your means. I see thousands of young people living someone else’s dream for their lives, which generally involves buying a house in a suburb; and a luxury car; and a swimming pool; and the latest in technology; and… and… and! If you want to be an artist then you should go ahead and pursue your dream, but understand that it will mean being real about how you live and what you have. At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter if you’re living in a one bedroom flat in the middle of the city if you’re doing what you’re passionate about. You can always swim in someone else’s pool.

9.    Learn another language. The joke goes, “What do you call someone who speaks three languages?” (Trilingual), “Good, and what do you call someone who speaks two languages?” (Bilingual), “Good, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?” (American). One of the most useful things you will ever do is learn another language. It will open your mind and improve your capacity for understanding the world you live.

10.    Don’t always follow the rules. Some rules make sense and following them is wisdom. Some rules make no sense at all and are designed to control you or keep you from inconveniencing someone else at your expense. Some rules have been there for hundreds of years and no one can remember who made them or why we’re still following them. Some rules are worthy and yet at times it is still wisdom to break them for a worthier purpose. Question the rules you live by, ask yourself why they’re there and whether those reasons make sense. The greatest men (and women) in history became great because they broke a rule, not because they were sheep who blindly followed. See my article on being a salmon, not a sheep. There are worse things in life than getting into trouble – living without passion is one of them.

Hmmm… I think this needs another post.

Do yourself a favor and spend a few hours sitting at a busy intersection in a mall or a market, and watch the people pass by. Notice all the trends as they roll past like waves. The hairstyles, the clothing, the stuff people buy and the food people eat. These are the superficial things of course, but look deeper; consider how sheep-like we have all become in so many areas of our lives. I am horrified when I talk to intelligent, educated people who view the world with the same arrogance as the Romans or the Byzantines did, as though there culture or religion somehow makes them superior to all the other “barbarian” people that infest the earth; and yet these same people don’t seem to recognize the fact that they’re just behaving and thinking in the way they were trained to do since birth – just like everyone else. Anyone that voices an opinion contrary to the bleating of the masses is immediately criticized and demonized for their views by people who don’t seem to have any original views of their own. Anyone that chooses an unpopular career, academic, religious, spiritual, sexual or social path is frowned upon by a mass of anemic white sheep, many of which, no doubt, wish that they had the courage to be true to themselves too, if only they had an idea of who they really are in the first place.

I spoke to a shepherd of sheep, or possibly just a really big sheep, some time back and we were talking about what we would do if we had the power to change the world; his response was that he would institute world peace. He said that if everyone just followed the rules and got on with their jobs and families there would be no more war and the world would be a happy place. I’m sure my jaw dropped at the astounding illogic of his argument. I said, “Ok, whose rules would we have to follow?” He said, “All the normal rules and laws of state and Christianity.” I said, “Well why not institute the laws of Iran and Islam? I’m sure they think if everyone just fell in line with their way, the world would be a better place too.” Our conversation went back and forth for some time, but I realized that while someone thinks that their view is ‘morally’ superior and backed by their community, they seldom allow themselves the opportunity to see things from a different perspective – their paradigms are set.

Why are people so terrified of someone who does things differently? Is it because they’re unpredictable? There are those who think, “OK, you’re not part of my system, but tell me which system you are part of so I know which box to put you into.” When people ask me which church I go to and I say “none”, and then they ask if I’m a Christian and I say “no”, and then they ask what religion I am and I say “none”, they seem to take personal offense to it, as though somehow my views on God and religion will contaminate theirs; they look for some psychological problem because of course I must be hurt or in need of fixing if I don’t share their views. To try and convince them that I’m happy and free is an impossible task because their paradigm simply can’t reconcile the information; instead they must change me, they must convince me to return to the flock so that… they can sleep better or something. Sheep just don’t do salmon. I wonder how many Christians would remain Christian if the overwhelming majority of their churches converted to Shinto, or how many Muslims would remain Muslim if all but a handful converted to Christianity… just a thought. Someone recently told me that I have “retreated” into Atheism – I laughed out loud when I read it, firstly because I’m not really an Atheist, but mainly because Atheism is certainly no “retreat” in the third most churched country in the world – Atheism is the wrong end of a firing squad. I admire Atheists in the world of WASPs.

Of course sheepism and salmonism doesn’t apply only to religion, but all aspects of life and world view, although certainly religion influences all aspects of life. It applies to education, choice of career, the way we deal with money, kids, health, technology, cars, homes etc. Please note that being peace-loving and gentle doesn’t make you a sheep by default, nor does being aggressive and contrary make you a salmon. A salmon in the context of this article is someone who has questioned their own views and paradigms; who has crossed the line and engaged with people of other cultures and beliefs with a desire to understand and learn; who has wrestled with the texts of their culture that set out the rules; who has withheld judgment and listened to the enemy; and who has formulated their own opinion with no regard to its acceptability to anyone else. Here are some questions that sheep and salmon ask themselves:

Sheep ask

• Will my pastor agree with me?
• Will my parents agree with me?
• Will my friends agree with me?
• Will I be rejected?
• Will I be humiliated?
• Will I be punished?
• Will I get into trouble?
• Is everyone pleased with me?

Salmon ask

• Is it true?
• Is it real?
• Is it valid?
• Is it important?
• Is it necessary?
• Is it harmful?
• Do I understand it?
• Am I being true to myself?

Are you a Sheep or a Salmon?

Despite the many stresses in my life: recent divorce; training slowdown; alienation from most of my Christian friends; the prospect of my kids moving to another city; and 20 years of back pain; I am insanely optimistic about life! This is partly because I was blessed with Sanguine genetics, and partly because I revel in the glory of life. There is beauty and greatness and wonder everywhere; and from time to time I even meet some decent people. Here are some of the things that make life great for me; they’re simple things and personal to me, but I hope they make someone relook at their life with a sense of balance and renewed interest. So, in no particular order:

1. McMuffin McMeal breakfasts

“But they make you fat” – what…ever!! Heaven on a English muffin, and McD’s make a great cappuccino.

2. Camping with my kids

There’s nothing better in this world for me. Collecting wood with the boys for evening campfires; hiking through the bush; lunches at waterfalls; braai’d marshmallows; catching frogs and worms for fishing; whittling walking sticks; and fire-baked bread.

3. Tabletop war games

I’ve been playing complex tabletop war games for about 8 years now, mostly Warhammer, a hobby that involves assembling and painting miniature soldiers, and then warring against an opponent on miniature lifelike terrain using tape measures, handfuls of dice and hundreds of pages of intricate rules. It appeals to my whole personality and is an outlet for so many of my interests and passions: creativity; warfare; history; statistics; strategy; mathematics; fantasy; competition; and not least of all, beers and laughter with friends.

4. Music

I couldn’t live without music. I’m always singing a song in my head and tapping out rhythms on every surface I pass. Whenever I walk into a shop or a mall I’m always instantly aware of what’s playing behind the noise of the crowd. I might be walking with a friend and tell them, “I haven’t heard this song for years” and their response is, “what song?” because they haven’t even noticed the music yet in the noise of the crowd. I had a band in Durban some years back and if I had the space now I’d start another. I often get lost in a song while driving and end up travelling 10km past my destination. I’m currently listening to Muse, Killers, Evanescence, Live and Pink Floyd. Music heals me and gives me a place to express all the emotion that is so ‘unacceptable’ in polite society.

5. Cigars, whisky and leather couches

If I’m thinking of a night out, I look for a Karaoke bar (see previous point) or a cigar lounge. I can spend many hours with a long cigar and a good scotch on a luxurious leather couch with a close friend and a philosophical point to ponder. Unfortunately I don’t seem to have too many friends who share this notion or even know what it looks like, but that just gives me another bucket list goal – to start a cigar club; I’ll call it Plato’s pit.

6. Training

Not many people can put their jobs on a list of favourite things to do, but I get to earn a living doing the thing I love most – teaching; motivating; inspiring; encouraging; and challenging people. Through all the changes and career shifts of my life, this one thing has been constant. As a missionary, I trained. As a pastor, I trained. As an IT manager, I trained. As a school teacher, I trained. I finally worked what I was and started calling myself a trainer.

7. Sex

One of the most negative effects of religion in society is that it demonizes sex. Possibly the most glorious expression of beauty and love and pleasure known to man has been reduced to some sort of secret activity that shouldn’t be discussed or thought about outside of the narrow requirements of a particular religion, sect or societal norm. People who think about sex “too much” are labeled “perverts” and have a “problem” – gimme a break! The vast majority of men are thinking about sex all the time, because it’s great! Anyway, enough ranting from me; I’ll write another article on the subject, but needless to say, sex is one of those things that make my life great!

8. Technology

If it’s got buttons, microchips, software, lights or makes noise – I love it! I live in a great era where technology doubles in the world every couple of years – wow – and because of my intuitive relationship with all things IT, I get to have tons of fun and learn new things every day.

9. Cooking (and eating)

I’m always surprised by people (especially moms) who throw baked beans on toast for supper because they feel “uninspired” about cooking a meal. For these folk cooking has become a necessary chore and food is nothing more than fuel to keep the family running. I have never felt that way about cooking – even when I’m doing it every day. Cooking is an opportunity to stretch the right brain daily and at the end of it you get to eat cool stuff too, what could be better? It’s like finger painting with ingredients! I get hungry just thinking about it: coconut curries; tomato pastas; vegetable bakes; stuffed Hungarian cabbage rolls; sticky sweet chicken breasts; creamy Greek salads… sigh.

There you go. Let me know what gives your lives meaning.

If you’ve read my article ’3 reasons to turn off the TV’ then you know that I don’t watch much TV, in fact if I’ve watched 10 episodes of anything this whole year it’s a lot. I do however love movies. I try watching them on the big screen where possible so as not to miss out on all the size and sound as envisioned by the directors and producers. I love movies for many reasons; firstly because I’m a story teller myself, and messages are often easier to accept when you’re looking at them portrayed in the lives of others rather than being directly preached at. As with T.V. there is a pile of mindless nonsense being spewed out of Hollywood, Nollywood and Bollywood, but every so often something powerful, meaningful or true comes along that moves my heart and quite literally changes my mind or life in the process. These are not movies designed for the entertainment value of explosions or high speed car chases alone, but rather movies that say something about the human condition in a special way. I’ll start with five movies, and if there’s a request for more I’ll do another article. Maybe you enjoyed these as much as I did:

The Village (M.Night Shayamalin: starring Joaquin Phoenix, William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver)

I think anything by Shayamalin is brilliant. His stories twist and turn and leave you with a sense of, “hmm, not quite what I expected, but wow!” This is not a horror despite the picture they used to advertise with. The Village is a wonderful story about how humans come together to form safe and loving communities but then fall into the trap of control and deception. It looks at censorship, leadership, culture, society, religion and a host of other human traits like courage and love. Shayamalin casts all his movies superbly.

Michael Collins (Neil Jordan: starring Liam Neeson, Aidan Quinn and Julia Roberts)

This movie inspired me! It is an historical look (back to 1920) at the early days of the Irish Republican Army (IRA) and one of its leader’s, Michael Collins (played by Liam Neeson who instantly became one of my favorite actors). I was particularly impressed with how effectively this man organized and communicated to an underground resistance army almost entirely without the use of technology using a small group structure. As with all movies of this type (Brave heart, Rob Roy etc.), I was also moved by his personal bravery and determination.

Taare Zameen Par (Aamir Khan: starring Aamir Khan and Darsheel Safary)

I had not seen many Bollywood movies and incorrectly assumed they were all musical action-love stories with repetitive plots – boy was I wrong!! Every time I see this movie I cry my eyes out. It is a moving story (brilliantly acted) about a boy with dyslexia (and possibly HDD) who is misunderstood by everyone at school and at home and finally, on the brink of suicide, is rescued by an incredible (and also dyslexic) teacher. There are so many kids in this type of situation today – this movie should be mandatory viewing for all parents and teachers. A must see.

The Matrix (Andy & Larry Wachowski: starring Keanu Reaves and Laurence Fishburne)

Don’t watch this movie for the great acting, because there is none. I loved this movie because it was a revolution in the way movies did special effects, but most importantly it was the first movie that really tackled the question, “What if everything we know is wrong?” It also stirs up philosophical questions like, “Can we be sure that what our senses tell us is true?” and presents the concept of an ‘online’ existence separate from our physical self, which we’re now starting to see with apps like 2^nd Life.

Luther (Eric Till: starring Joseph Fiennes)

The dramatic story of the German priest, Martin Luther (date 1520), who all but single handedly stood against the Roman Catholic Church which ruled the western world through fear and manipulation. His actions resulted in the formation of the Protestant Church and eventually led to political reforms that have changed the world forever. I was deeply moved by his conviction and bravery. There are many other themes that come through in this movie like how one group can see the actions of a man as divisive rebellion and another group sees those same actions as positive reform – often only time can tell.

What movies changed your life? Leave comments!

Let’s face it – parents are overworked and overstressed and don’t have tons of creative energy to come up with interesting things to do with their kids. I know the feeling! Sometimes we just need a little push in the right direction to wake us up from our boredom and repetition. Here some things you can try with your kids, and although they may not all be a hit for every child, your kids will appreciate the change of scenery and the personal interaction with you. This is not rocket science, just simple and fun things to do.

1. Build fortresses

This is a great creative activity and works especially well for boys. You will need to collect a bunch of odds and ends like: nails; wire; glue; cardboard; elastic bands; bits of metal and wood; tins of various sizes; paints; and those great pieces of polystyrene packaging that surround appliances which look like fortresses just waiting to be cut and painted! Then dive in and start building. Turn tins into towers and cardboard and string into draw bridges with chains. Make moats and elevators and stairways. Just let the imagination flow. Add to the fortresses those cheap plastic world war two soldiers and your kids will have hours of fun.

2. Build a race car game

Get a big sheet of cardboard or paper and draw a grand prix style track. Intersect the track with lines every 5cm or so. Then either use small toy cars or cut out little cardboard car shapes and paint the each one a different color. You will need a dice. Each member of the family chooses a car and places it on the starting section. Then race around the track by rolling the dice in turn. You can add your own rules like: 6′s roll again; 1′s miss a turn; etc. Have a statistics sheet and record each game’s positions, working out averages, best ‘times’ etc. I have had hours of fun and laughter doing this with my kids. They keep upgrading the track and the cars and the rules with each game.

3. Go to the zoo

Kids absolutely love animals, and city kids seldom get to go see them live, so book a Saturday at the zoo. When you get tired you can always hire one of those golf buggies – the kids LOVE that!

4. Have ice cream at a park

There are great parks with lakes and playgrounds all over the place. This gets the kids out into the sun and costs virtually nothing. Take a ball along and kick it around for a while. Take the dogs.

5. Have your kid’s friends over for a braai

Get the family into the garden with your kid’s friends. Kids get bored with their parent’s company and need to spend time with friends their age. Light a fire, make boerewors rolls and let them have fun. When they start running out of ideas, start a game of boules or croquet on the lawn.

6. Read to your kids

Just pick up an interesting book and read. It’s always warm and cozy to read together as a family all cuddled up in bed. Read with expression.

7. Broken story

As you all sit in the lounge start a story. Literally tell a story starting with “Once upon a time…” say three sentences and then ‘pass the story on’ to the person on your left. That person must continue the story and say three more sentences. You will have great fun going around the room several times and seeing how each child throws their own personality and creativity into the story. You also learn a lot about your kids this way.

8. Have a dance party

Clear out the coffee table, turn up your kids’ favorite music (I feel your pain if it’s the Jonas Brothers), and have a family disco. Invite their best buddies over and do all sorts of crazy moves and dances. Have each child demonstrate their own dance while everyone copies them. Make pink and blue non-alcoholic cocktails and even dress up for the occasion in fancy dress.

9. Go fishing

Find a nearby lake or dam where fishing is permitted, pack some chairs and a picnic and get your kids cheap fishing rods for the occasion. Show them how to attach a hook and bait and how to cast. If the fish aren’t biting and they start getting bored, unpack the picnic and have a feast.

10. Go camping

Camping is one of the greatest things you can do with your kids, ever! Campfires at night; fishing at dusk; collecting wood; hiking; pitching tents; cooking camp food; exploring; keeping out the bugs; horse riding; bird watching… the healthy, soul-restoring things you can do on camp is endless. Your kids will unwind, relax and be kids again – and so will you. Camping requires a small investment up front but it is one of the best investments into your family you will ever make. Once you have the stuff you need, camping is very budget friendly. I suggest the following minimum basics which can be found at camping stores, Macro, Sportsman’s Warehouse… pretty much anywhere:

• Tents
• Gas cooker
• Lights for inside the tents and walking around
• Portable table and chairs
• Ground sheet and tarpaulin for a central gathering/social area
• Inflatable mattresses and pump
• Sleeping bags
• Fishing equipment
• A box of cheap kitchen crockery and cutlery (plastic or tin)

Share your ideas for fun and inexpensive things to do with your kids. Leave a comment.

We live noisy, demanding, stressful, complicated lives – and most of it is our own fault. Let’s start with demands on our time. The phenomenal explosion of communication technologies in the last 50 years has radically changed the way human beings do life. One hundred years ago if you wanted to do business with someone in another country you may have sent a proposal, having written it in ink, on paper, and sent it via a long and slow system of horseback courier, ship and train. You might have expected to receive a response after a month, and then business would only get started a year later. During the times of waiting you might be chilling on your farm and considering the state of your crops. Today you can send a proposal instantly, to multiple parties, via e-mail, sms and social networks and get a response within minutes or even seconds. If you’re a day too late, someone else gets the job. Most of us are involved in multiple conversations with multitudes of people across a variety of networks around the world – all the time! We’re maintaining jobs; relationships; Facebook, Twitter and My Space profiles; hobbies; families; gym memberships; brainwashing sessions church attendance; and the list goes on.

On top of the social demands on our time (virtual and otherwise), we complicate things further with possessions. We collect stuff: DVDs; books; clothes; ornaments; gadgets; cars; phones; computers; pets; toys; and a list of other things we accumulate for purposes nobody can fathom. Then because we’ve got the stuff, we feel obliged to protect it with all our might, so we get it all insured and hire someone to babysit all the crap when we go on holiday. We’re constantly multitasking, but never really doing any one thing properly. We go to a friend’s home for dinner only to spend half the time on the phone with someone who is not even present. We eat fast foods and add health issues to our list of challenges. We get involved in organizations that manipulate our time and resources towards their own ends. We waste precious recovery hours in front of the television and yet never seem to recover. We run to doctors, therapists, religion, diets and supplements to find relief – but they just add to the complication.

Is it any wonder that we’re exhausted, stressed and depressed? It’s time to uncomplicated your life! So here are (you guessed it) three tips (I may have been Baptist in a previous life) for achieving a simpler life.

1. Stop buying stuff!!

You really don’t need it. Buying things might make you happy for about three minutes and afterwards you’ll be left with a hole in your pocket and a hole in your heart. You cannot spend your way to happiness. In fact, it may be time for you to assess all the crap you own and start giving stuff away. Your kids probably have enough toys to support a small village in Africa. All those books you own that you’ll never read, or never read again, can be given to someone who will read them. Get rid of your duplicate stuff. Make space in your home and simplify your lifestyle. Get rid of those old hi-fi systems and irons that don’t work. Stop buying pets! Animals are not grateful for the confinement of your home, and the irresponsible breeding of animals won’t cease until people stop buying them.

2. Learn how to use technology

You might be asking, “Huh?” I am a firm believer that skilled use of good technology can simplify your life and save hours of time. The reason computers can seem like time wasters is because people don’t understand them and aren’t familiar with the software they’re using. A small investment of a few hours or days learning how to use your computer properly will make you ten times more effective in the long run. You need to know how to use at least these tools at an intermediate level:

• Microsoft Office: specifically Word, Excel, PowerPoint and Outlook
• PDF: how to read and create PDF files
• Email: Outlook as well as alternative apps like Outlook express, Hotmail, Gmail, Thunderbird
• Graphics: How to find, view, download, capture and edit pictures inside apps like Word as well as more advanced apps like Photoshop and Fireworks
• Browsing: How to find exactly what you’re looking for on the web in less than 20 seconds
• Social Networking: get yourself set up on Facebook, Twitter and other social networks and improve your online savvy
• Messaging software: email is on the decline – use instant messaging to communicate with clients, family and friends on the fly like Skype, MS Messenger or Google Talk

3. Slow down

A lot of our busyness is nothing more than frenetic energy. We’re so used to moving and talking all the time that we feel uncomfortable just being quiet. I enjoy a cigar and a scotch under the tree in my garden in the late afternoon. During these times of stillness I consider my life and my opportunities and my relationships. I listen to the sound of birds and crickets in the grass and I fill my spirit with the wonder of life that is so easily stolen in the carnage of the day. I also believe in holidays. Everyone has to get out of the city as often as they can and soak up the calm and healing splendor of the country. One of my favorite hobbies is fishing, and although I have to admit that I seldom catch any, I love sitting for hours on the banks of a river or the shore of the sea and just being… quiet. Bring on December!

If you don’t recognize the guy in the picture, he’s my favourite DC superhero – Hal Jordan – otherwise known as Green Lantern. [Disclaimer: Hal Jordan and Green Lantern are the property of DC Comics and I use this picture for academic purposes only]

In short, the Green Lanterns are an intergalactic peace keeping force, kinda like the U.N. but… uber!! Each GL wears a ring that allows them to do just about anything (we’ll come back to that later), given to them by the Guardians of the universe, who are short, blue, immortals who live at the centre of the universe and keep it all together. Hal Jordan patrols “our” sector of the universe and is one of three or so GLs from Earth. He has also been part of the more well known ‘Justice League of America’ from time to time helping the likes of Superman, Batman and Wonder woman keep Americans everywhere safe.

As you may have guessed I’m a comic superhero fan and have been since childhood. I especially love the comics where superheroes fight together in teams, each one using his (or her) unique abilities to thwart the enemies of mankind. Green Lanterns are my favourite characters because of what their unique ability is – willpower! Without the rings they wear, the Lanterns are just ordinary beings without super strength, speed or any other special meta-traits, but wearing their rings they’re the most powerful force in the universe.

The way the rings work is that the bearer exerts their will and imagination and the ring complies with green construct energy. In simple English, if Hal Jordan wants a Rhinoceros to charge over the enemy he simply thinks about it, imagines it, and wills it into being – next thing you know a green Rhinoceros emerges from the ring, takes physical form and charges off. The only thing that limits a green lantern is their will and imagination.

I believe that this same dynamic applies to all people. We might not have rings of power to fly around with but we certainly have the same ability to change our circumstances through will and imagination. I’ve seen people with no formal education become hugely successful because they wielded their will and imagination against all odds. Your will allows you to tap personal resources that usually lie dormant inside you. Imagination allows you to conceive the impossible before anyone else believes it could be real. Long before we put a man on the moon someone imagined that it could be done and exerted his will to make it happen.

So what is will? How do we wield it?

Will is the unyielding desire to achieve, do or see something happen. In order to want something you need a picture in your head, that’s where imagination comes in. But we all know that just wanting something doesn’t make it happen by default – and that’s where ‘wielding’ comes in! Here are 3 things you’ll need to wield your will:

1. Determination. The word I’m really looking for here is the Afrikaans word “Deursettingsvermoe”. This word is rich with meaning and speaks of stamina, tenacity and follow-through. If you really want something badly enough you’re going to have to get off your couch and apply yourself with tenacity, determination and follow-through.
2. Courage. I’ll say it again – fear is the biggest problem we all have. The Green Lanterns call it “Parallax”. You will have to overcome your fear and face your critics, your inadequacies and your inhibitions if you’re going to have success in life.
3. Focus. It’s great to be able to shoot green uber-beams around but they’re useless if they don’t hit the target. Decide what you want (what you’re trying to do) and stick to it. Don’t get distracted. Don’t get lazy. Don’t get discouraged. Write it down. Stick it on your wall. Remind yourself about it every day. Get a friend to remind you too.

I’ll see you in space sector 24156. Happy hunting.

This is a question everyone wants the answers for, before they’ve even got to asking the question. No matter how you look at it we’re all genetically constructed to want/desire/seek out a sense of peace or happiness or fulfilment or exhilaration. I.e. we want to feel good. You may say, but what about those who seek out punishment, abuse or even death? These people have often had traumatic experiences in their formative years – growing up in abusive situations or having been neglected etc. Even these seek out a warped sense of “peace” or “contentment” by pursuing the negative thing they’ve become familiar with. Ultimately we have all developed a “definition” of what happiness is for ourselves and inwardly desire to attain it.

It would be logical to assume that happiness is not like money. There is a limited amount of money in the world and the reason many people don’t have much of it is because someone else has it. This is an issue of distribution. Happiness however would seem to be something that is essentially unlimited in quantity. We could imagine that it might be possible for every person in the world to be happy at the same time, and that me having happiness should not mean that you have less access to it. So if we’re all looking for it, and there’s an unlimited amount of it… why is the world such an unhappy place? I’ll look at this concept next. Later on I’ll give my own definition of happiness and some practical tips to get happy and stay happy in a very unhappy world.

So let us consider why people are unhappy. I recently attended a family wedding where during the reception dance I took a much needed break in the foyer, having danced like a madman for an hour or so (I hadn’t done that in a while). While in the foyer some family I hadn’t seen in a few years from overseas cornered me with a very purposeful look in their eyes and I knew the conversation had a very specific agenda. The couple I refer to are Christians of the evangelical persuasion. Good people with good intentions but really only open to a single, precisely defined world view. The conversation started with some pleasantries like, “how are you?” and, “how are the kids?” etc. Then they moved to the next point on their agenda, “What church are you fellowshipping at these days?” The assumptions being that I was Christian and that I was the type of Christian that placed some value on “fellowshipping at a church”. Both valid assumptions considering that I’ve been both a missionary and an evangelical pastor in my past. So I remained polite and said, “I’m not at any church at the moment”. “Oh…” was the surprised and somewhat tentative response. “Can you tell us why?” they continued. I knew that no truthful response I could give here would result in a rational and open philosophical conversation, but being ever the optimist I gave them the benefit of the doubt, “Because I’m not really convinced that there’s any point to it”. Uh, that turned out to be an enormous mistake. They, well one person in particular, became visibly emotional and angered the more I tried to explain my point of view. They started to bombard me with scriptures which in their mind proved beyond any doubt that everyone should be 1.Christian 2.In a church 3.Under submission to the local church authority 4.In a home cell 5. Tithing 10% of their income to the church… and the list of criteria kept growing with each passing sentence. As I showed them alternative logical interpretations for the scriptures they were flinging about they became personally offended as though rational discussion were in itself an abomination before God. They then played their final card, “Deon, I can see you’re not happy. Come back to God and you’ll be happy!” I almost burst into laughter and at the same time felt pity for these people and anger at the system that had moulded their outlook. Some very unhappy people were at that moment trying to convince me to join their “happy” club. I realized that to try and convince them about how happy I really was would only result in adding further chaos to the conversation, so I politely excused myself from the conversation and went back to dancing… happily.

I tell you this story to illustrate one of the reasons people are unhappy. Fear. I will write a separate article on fear, but it is critical to realize that fear is the arch nemesis (I collect comics) of joy and happiness. The average person is bound in fear. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of loss. Fear of failure. Fear of death. Fear of hell. Fear of God. Fear of authority. Fear of getting into trouble. Fear of pain. Fear of loneliness. With all of this fear it’s no wonder we struggle to smile or be content and happy. The people in my story are no different to almost anyone else. The average human being is born into a community; raised on a culture soaked in religion; told what to think and believe by parents and the “authority”; placed on an enforced timeline of school – university – salaried job – marriage – two and a half kids – retirement – death. The only way for a society to maintain this kind of pre-packaged lifestyle is through fear. Think about it. Have you ever heard these warnings… “Don’t do that – you might get hurt!” “Study hard or you won’t go to University” (i.e. you’ll be derailed from the timeline – another article you’ll be reading soon.) “You MUST have medical aid / life insurance / house insurance… what will you do if something BAD happens?!” “You MUST get married or you’ll be lonely” “You MUST obey the rules or you’ll get in trouble” “You MUST believe in God or you’ll go to hell” “You MUST have a job or you’ll be destitute” etc.

Wow, if I believed all of that I’d also be suicidal. But I have good news! It’s simply not true. You can survive without a job; I’ve done it for years. You can have an intimate relationship without getting married. You can live without the constant fear of future calamity. You will be OK in your old age (if you don’t get taken out by your fears first). If there is a God, then he loves you and he’s on your side and he’s bigger than your understanding of the universe or your ability to verbalize prayers or fulfil an endless list of duties. You are free to choose. Really!! You don’t have to be scared of anything or anyone or anything anyone says to you. You are free to think and ponder and discover and explore your universe. The world is your oyster and you don’t even know it yet. You are so scared of your next pay slip that you haven’t noticed the amazing shades of green in your garden or the beauty and wonder of your children. Whole days go by unnoticed by you because you’re paralysed by the fear of what could be instead of energized by the potential of your life.

You don’t have to live this way!

I told you I’d define my version of happiness. Happiness is a very broad concept, but is identifiable in its results. Here are a few.

A happy person:

• Is not fearful
• Is not constantly sad, angry or frustrated
• Smiles
• Has energy
• Is assertive (not passive or aggressive)
• Improves other people’s lives
• Is productive
• Has friends
• Is not lonely or bored
• Has “purpose”, a reason for living
• Feels important – make a difference in the world
• Is tolerant. Allows others to walk their own paths and enjoy the same right to free will
• Reserves judgement
• Loves generously

So how do we become happy? Here are 5 suggestions to radically improve your chances at finding happiness. This is by no means exhaustive, but I’ll save the rest for another post.

1. Slow down! It’s very hard to notice anything going on around you when you’re running past it at the speed of light. Slowing down is both physical and mental. Whenever I feel myself getting caught up in a “rush” mode, I sit down, close my eyes, breathe slowly and deeply and focus on slowing my heartbeat down. This is not rocket science, but it works. Then I quietly consider the facts of my circumstances and consider my required responses to each one. I also spend time doing what is really important like quietly and slowly stroking my kid’s hair or looking into the eyes of my loved ones and taking time to hear and talk.
2. Wield your will. I will write many articles on the topic of will power. Many people believe that they are a victim of their physiology or circumstances. My experience with training and coaching thousands of people as well as my own personal life experience has taught me that we all have an invisible, non-physical, dare I say “supernatural” power that is separate from any physiological or psychological deficiencies that may ail you. I have seen people “will” themselves out of wheel chairs, out of depression, out of resentment, out of poverty, over a finish line, through a battlefield, out of an addictive habit etc. Your will is like a muscle that must be exercised. Start with small things that often get victory over you and one at a time exercise your will over that thing until you’ve beaten it. Then tackle the next thing. You will be amazed at what you are able to achieve as you wield this power.
3. List ALL the facts. Often we are stressed, fearful and depressed because we’re basing our reactions on a single list of negative evidence. We’re conditioned to do just that. This list is almost always only half the reality (or less), i.e. the list is not complete. So finish the list, whether in your head or on paper. Example: This week is going to be a terrible week because I’m not prepared for my presentation and my daughter is having headaches again. [This is what we usually do]. On the other hand, it’s going to be a GREAT week because I’m going to do my best for the presentation and whether I make the sale or not I’m going to meet some new contacts and learn a whole lot. I’m going to take my daughter to the doctor and get a little closer to finding out what’s causing the headaches, and maybe even solve the problem altogether. I’m also going to read a great book, spend quality time with my family on Thursday, see that DVD I’ve been wanting to see for ages and enjoy the spring blossoms in the garden. I’m healthy, clothed and alive and the world is full of great opportunities for me.
4. Observe. Look around and take in the wonder of life. There are great things happening all around you every day. Consider things you see in their detail. When you see a tree, don’t just see a green object – actually LOOK at the tree and see it in its wondrous detail along with the birds nesting in it and its shape and colour and fragrance. Sit down in a busy mall or street and watch the people walk by. Consider their lives and problems – you will quickly realize that your problems are not so great and that we’re all living through the same things. Look at your kids when they talk to you. Look at your lover and take them in, appreciating every molecule of the wonder that they are. When you actually SEE life you will begin to enjoy it more.
5. Turn your worry into faith. The definition of worry and faith is exactly the same: Believing that something will happen that hasn’t yet happened. The problem is we spend far more time worrying about possible problems than believing in possible solutions. Take everything you’re worried about and list them on paper. This alone is therapeutic. Once you have done that make another list with all the things you’re ‘believing’ for – this is faith. Energize your faith with hope (enthusiastic faith), and exercise your faith with the power of your will (practical faith).