Deon Barnard

I always find it amusing when I hear people use the phrase ‘There’s nothing worse than…’ when I can usually think of 10 things worse than what they’re suggesting in an instant, for instance: sardine milkshakes. This led me to thinking, what are those things for which I myself might use the phrase ‘There’s nothing worse than…’ and the following came to mind:

1.    People who simply don’t pitch when they’ve made a commitment to attend something. They don’t call, they don’t apologize and they don’t care who they let down.

2.    People who are determined to be fashionably late for everything. If a show starts at 6PM they start getting ready to leave at 6PM. The first half an hour of any event is clearly an unimportant formality that does not require the dignity of their presence.

3.    Parents who call their children ‘Christian’ or ‘Muslim’ or ‘Hindu’. As though any child of age 5 or 7 or even 11 could conceivably contemplate all their options and make a rational, informed decision about their religious views while being brought up to fear and distrust any point of view other than that of their parents. This type of religious brainwashing and morbid indoctrination by parents should be outlawed in society as a crime against freedom of thought and human rights.

4.     Back pain! It really sucks.

5.    Dentists. Who are these creatures in white robes that insist on drilling against nerves that lead straight behind your eyes into your brain with such explosions of acute pain that your nightmares pale in comparison. On top of that they insist that you lie on the most uncomfortably designed horizontal chair known to man, for an hour, with intense light shining in your eyes, after which you need a chiropractor to sort out your spine. Your jaw and lips are tugged at and extended to the extent that you have bruises and a strange clicking in your jaw the first time you try and eat anything. It brings back a line from the musical score of little shop of horrors: ‘You’ll be a dentist. You have a talent for causing things pain! Son, be a dentist. People will pay you to be inhumane!’

6.    Poor customer service. I think particularly of those receptionists who can’t even be bothered to hold eye contact as they bark out one word answers to your questions and make it very clear that you’re wasting their valuable Tetris time.

7.    Tasteless cooking. Turning dull, tasteless food into something worth eating often takes nothing more than a suggestion of an imagination, a sprinkle of herbs, or a dash of soy sauce. I cannot understand why people settle for the mundane in this area of our lives that consumes so much of our time and which has the power to add such joy and adventure to each day.

8.    Teasing repartee and hurtful banter. I often sit in amazement as I watch one or two of my friends or guests pick up on a few vulnerabilities in someone in the group and then spend the rest of the evening honing in on those weaknesses with great jest and laughter and seemingly not able to stop themselves until the victim is utterly exhausted or brought to tears. The fact that these wolves see this as some kind of social victory is even more bewildering. Of course, these same people have no ability to withstand even a portion of what they dish out and ultimately show themselves to be the cowardly schoolyard bullies that they are.

9.    Grand prix. Sorry I just don’t get it. Hour after hour of cars going round in circles. I have similar feelings about cricket and golf which are, in my view, just male excuses for spending less time with the family.

I’d love to hear some of your ‘There’s nothing worse than’ ideas.

If there was a Heaven, this would be on the menu! I started making chili sauce several years ago while pastoring an Indian church in Bakerton, Springs (East Rand). Having already developed a great love for all things curried, I wanted to make a fragrant, curried chili sauce to go on anything! Through trial and error I came up with this recipe, which changes slightly from batch to batch depending on the chilies I use and the curry spices I have on hand etc. You can put this stuff on anything at all from chicken casseroles and pasta to boerewors rolls or simply using it as a relish to dip fresh bread into.

You will need:

• A bag of fresh chillies
• A large bottle of white vinegar
• About 5 tablespoons of really good curry masala
• About 6 tomatoes
• About 5 onions
• Salt, pepper and any other seasoning you think might add to the flavor

Mulsh all the vegetables in a blender and throw them in a pot. Add at least two cups of vinegar and the curry and spices and bring the whole lot to the boil. Remove from heat and fill a few airtight jars with the mixture while still warm, then leave to cool. Keep in the refrigerator once cooled.

Play around with the ratios for different flavours. Add more vinegar for a thinner consistency. Add soy or Worcester sauce for a darker colour and improved flavor.

Alternatively, if you just want to buy a bottle for R30 send me a line – it makes a great Christmas gift.

I learned how to do this from an Australian man that travelled the world on a motorbike and sidecar with his wife and daughter. I met him on his way through Benoni and he showed me this simple technique for making delicious and cheap pink candy peanuts.

You will need:

• One cup of peanuts
• ½ cup of sugar
• ½ cup of water
• A small pot

Put everything in the pot. Bring to the boil and then keep it all cooking at medium heat while you stir. The water will continue to reduce until it turns thick and syrupy, at this point be vigilant; you want to continue to stir the mixture until it suddenly goes dry and powdery, and then quickly remove the pot from the heat while you continue to stir. The peanuts will be dry and coated with a rough pink crunchy sugar coating.

Enjoy!

Despite the many stresses in my life: recent divorce; training slowdown; alienation from most of my Christian friends; the prospect of my kids moving to another city; and 20 years of back pain; I am insanely optimistic about life! This is partly because I was blessed with Sanguine genetics, and partly because I revel in the glory of life. There is beauty and greatness and wonder everywhere; and from time to time I even meet some decent people. Here are some of the things that make life great for me; they’re simple things and personal to me, but I hope they make someone relook at their life with a sense of balance and renewed interest. So, in no particular order:

1. McMuffin McMeal breakfasts

“But they make you fat” – what…ever!! Heaven on a English muffin, and McD’s make a great cappuccino.

2. Camping with my kids

There’s nothing better in this world for me. Collecting wood with the boys for evening campfires; hiking through the bush; lunches at waterfalls; braai’d marshmallows; catching frogs and worms for fishing; whittling walking sticks; and fire-baked bread.

3. Tabletop war games

I’ve been playing complex tabletop war games for about 8 years now, mostly Warhammer, a hobby that involves assembling and painting miniature soldiers, and then warring against an opponent on miniature lifelike terrain using tape measures, handfuls of dice and hundreds of pages of intricate rules. It appeals to my whole personality and is an outlet for so many of my interests and passions: creativity; warfare; history; statistics; strategy; mathematics; fantasy; competition; and not least of all, beers and laughter with friends.

4. Music

I couldn’t live without music. I’m always singing a song in my head and tapping out rhythms on every surface I pass. Whenever I walk into a shop or a mall I’m always instantly aware of what’s playing behind the noise of the crowd. I might be walking with a friend and tell them, “I haven’t heard this song for years” and their response is, “what song?” because they haven’t even noticed the music yet in the noise of the crowd. I had a band in Durban some years back and if I had the space now I’d start another. I often get lost in a song while driving and end up travelling 10km past my destination. I’m currently listening to Muse, Killers, Evanescence, Live and Pink Floyd. Music heals me and gives me a place to express all the emotion that is so ‘unacceptable’ in polite society.

5. Cigars, whisky and leather couches

If I’m thinking of a night out, I look for a Karaoke bar (see previous point) or a cigar lounge. I can spend many hours with a long cigar and a good scotch on a luxurious leather couch with a close friend and a philosophical point to ponder. Unfortunately I don’t seem to have too many friends who share this notion or even know what it looks like, but that just gives me another bucket list goal – to start a cigar club; I’ll call it Plato’s pit.

6. Training

Not many people can put their jobs on a list of favourite things to do, but I get to earn a living doing the thing I love most – teaching; motivating; inspiring; encouraging; and challenging people. Through all the changes and career shifts of my life, this one thing has been constant. As a missionary, I trained. As a pastor, I trained. As an IT manager, I trained. As a school teacher, I trained. I finally worked what I was and started calling myself a trainer.

7. Sex

One of the most negative effects of religion in society is that it demonizes sex. Possibly the most glorious expression of beauty and love and pleasure known to man has been reduced to some sort of secret activity that shouldn’t be discussed or thought about outside of the narrow requirements of a particular religion, sect or societal norm. People who think about sex “too much” are labeled “perverts” and have a “problem” – gimme a break! The vast majority of men are thinking about sex all the time, because it’s great! Anyway, enough ranting from me; I’ll write another article on the subject, but needless to say, sex is one of those things that make my life great!

8. Technology

If it’s got buttons, microchips, software, lights or makes noise – I love it! I live in a great era where technology doubles in the world every couple of years – wow – and because of my intuitive relationship with all things IT, I get to have tons of fun and learn new things every day.

9. Cooking (and eating)

I’m always surprised by people (especially moms) who throw baked beans on toast for supper because they feel “uninspired” about cooking a meal. For these folk cooking has become a necessary chore and food is nothing more than fuel to keep the family running. I have never felt that way about cooking – even when I’m doing it every day. Cooking is an opportunity to stretch the right brain daily and at the end of it you get to eat cool stuff too, what could be better? It’s like finger painting with ingredients! I get hungry just thinking about it: coconut curries; tomato pastas; vegetable bakes; stuffed Hungarian cabbage rolls; sticky sweet chicken breasts; creamy Greek salads… sigh.

There you go. Let me know what gives your lives meaning.

Pap, for those of you from America and Europe wondering what I’m on about, is a traditional South African staple food. If prepared correctly it tastes great and leaves you with a feeling of being “filled up” and satisfied. You will usually find pap served at a braai (barbeque) with a tomato relish or a chilli vegetable relish called “chakalaka”.

Pap is simply finely ground maize meal (mieliemeal) cooked with water to form a stodgy white malleable mixture that resembles mashed potato. Pap cuts across all racial and cultural boundaries. Traditionally it has been a staple of many black African cultures forever, but the white boer settlers of the 19th century adopted the recipe as their own, adding their own unique interpretation to the cooking process. Having had many years of experience with pap, both in black as well as white communities I have been perfecting my pap-making skills over the past 15 years or so. There are few people who don’t come back for seconds of my special sweetcorn pap recipe. It borders on world-famous.

Having kept this recipe a secret for years I think its time to share it with the world… so here it is. This is how you make pap better than a black man!

Ingredients:

First, you will need to buy a bag of white, grade A maize meal (mieliemeal). I suggest a 2.5 kg bag (you will use about half of this). You will need a large pot, half filled with water and two or three cans of sweetcorn (creamed corn). For the relish you need to get your hands on two cans of tomato and onion mix and one can of mild chakalaka. You can chop tomotoes, onions and vegies if you like, but the cans work just as well. You will also need some soy sauce, braai salt and garlic for flavour. You will also need salt and a large wooden spoon (more like a small branch – I have broken many flimsy wooden spoons making pap).

Preparation:

Bring the pot of water to boil with two teaspoons of salt (at least). Once the water is boiling you need to get the sack of maize meal into one hand and the wooden spoon into the other. Then turn the water down to low (setting 2) and immediately start pouring the maize meal into the hot water while stirring vigorously. Keep doing both until the pap takes on a thick, hard-to-stir consistency (warning, you will need strong wrists and some elbow grease to do this). Then put the bag of maize down and stir your pap firmly ensuring a consistent texture throughout the pot. put the lid on and leave for about 20 minutes on low (very low – don’t burn it). After 20 minutes empty two or three cans of sweetcorn into the pap, juice and all, and stir the whole lot in until you have consistency again. Then put the lid back on for another hour or two (on low heat) stirring every 30 minutes or so. If it needs more salt, go ahead and add.

10 minutes before serving, throw the relish together. Throw the cans of tomato, onion and chakalaka into a saucepan and heat. Throw in some soy sauce and braai salt for flavour. I often add other things to the sauce like baby marrows, garlic and a splash of balsamic vinegar or Worcestershire sauce.

That’s it. Plant a blob of pap on a plate and cover in relish. Yummy!!!!!

This article has made me hungry – think I’ll go make some pap.