Deon Barnard

Do yourself a favor and spend a few hours sitting at a busy intersection in a mall or a market, and watch the people pass by. Notice all the trends as they roll past like waves. The hairstyles, the clothing, the stuff people buy and the food people eat. These are the superficial things of course, but look deeper; consider how sheep-like we have all become in so many areas of our lives. I am horrified when I talk to intelligent, educated people who view the world with the same arrogance as the Romans or the Byzantines did, as though there culture or religion somehow makes them superior to all the other “barbarian” people that infest the earth; and yet these same people don’t seem to recognize the fact that they’re just behaving and thinking in the way they were trained to do since birth – just like everyone else. Anyone that voices an opinion contrary to the bleating of the masses is immediately criticized and demonized for their views by people who don’t seem to have any original views of their own. Anyone that chooses an unpopular career, academic, religious, spiritual, sexual or social path is frowned upon by a mass of anemic white sheep, many of which, no doubt, wish that they had the courage to be true to themselves too, if only they had an idea of who they really are in the first place.

I spoke to a shepherd of sheep, or possibly just a really big sheep, some time back and we were talking about what we would do if we had the power to change the world; his response was that he would institute world peace. He said that if everyone just followed the rules and got on with their jobs and families there would be no more war and the world would be a happy place. I’m sure my jaw dropped at the astounding illogic of his argument. I said, “Ok, whose rules would we have to follow?” He said, “All the normal rules and laws of state and Christianity.” I said, “Well why not institute the laws of Iran and Islam? I’m sure they think if everyone just fell in line with their way, the world would be a better place too.” Our conversation went back and forth for some time, but I realized that while someone thinks that their view is ‘morally’ superior and backed by their community, they seldom allow themselves the opportunity to see things from a different perspective – their paradigms are set.

Why are people so terrified of someone who does things differently? Is it because they’re unpredictable? There are those who think, “OK, you’re not part of my system, but tell me which system you are part of so I know which box to put you into.” When people ask me which church I go to and I say “none”, and then they ask if I’m a Christian and I say “no”, and then they ask what religion I am and I say “none”, they seem to take personal offense to it, as though somehow my views on God and religion will contaminate theirs; they look for some psychological problem because of course I must be hurt or in need of fixing if I don’t share their views. To try and convince them that I’m happy and free is an impossible task because their paradigm simply can’t reconcile the information; instead they must change me, they must convince me to return to the flock so that… they can sleep better or something. Sheep just don’t do salmon. I wonder how many Christians would remain Christian if the overwhelming majority of their churches converted to Shinto, or how many Muslims would remain Muslim if all but a handful converted to Christianity… just a thought. Someone recently told me that I have “retreated” into Atheism – I laughed out loud when I read it, firstly because I’m not really an Atheist, but mainly because Atheism is certainly no “retreat” in the third most churched country in the world – Atheism is the wrong end of a firing squad. I admire Atheists in the world of WASPs.

Of course sheepism and salmonism doesn’t apply only to religion, but all aspects of life and world view, although certainly religion influences all aspects of life. It applies to education, choice of career, the way we deal with money, kids, health, technology, cars, homes etc. Please note that being peace-loving and gentle doesn’t make you a sheep by default, nor does being aggressive and contrary make you a salmon. A salmon in the context of this article is someone who has questioned their own views and paradigms; who has crossed the line and engaged with people of other cultures and beliefs with a desire to understand and learn; who has wrestled with the texts of their culture that set out the rules; who has withheld judgment and listened to the enemy; and who has formulated their own opinion with no regard to its acceptability to anyone else. Here are some questions that sheep and salmon ask themselves:

Sheep ask

• Will my pastor agree with me?
• Will my parents agree with me?
• Will my friends agree with me?
• Will I be rejected?
• Will I be humiliated?
• Will I be punished?
• Will I get into trouble?
• Is everyone pleased with me?

Salmon ask

• Is it true?
• Is it real?
• Is it valid?
• Is it important?
• Is it necessary?
• Is it harmful?
• Do I understand it?
• Am I being true to myself?

Are you a Sheep or a Salmon?

This is a question everyone wants the answers for, before they’ve even got to asking the question. No matter how you look at it we’re all genetically constructed to want/desire/seek out a sense of peace or happiness or fulfilment or exhilaration. I.e. we want to feel good. You may say, but what about those who seek out punishment, abuse or even death? These people have often had traumatic experiences in their formative years – growing up in abusive situations or having been neglected etc. Even these seek out a warped sense of “peace” or “contentment” by pursuing the negative thing they’ve become familiar with. Ultimately we have all developed a “definition” of what happiness is for ourselves and inwardly desire to attain it.

It would be logical to assume that happiness is not like money. There is a limited amount of money in the world and the reason many people don’t have much of it is because someone else has it. This is an issue of distribution. Happiness however would seem to be something that is essentially unlimited in quantity. We could imagine that it might be possible for every person in the world to be happy at the same time, and that me having happiness should not mean that you have less access to it. So if we’re all looking for it, and there’s an unlimited amount of it… why is the world such an unhappy place? I’ll look at this concept next. Later on I’ll give my own definition of happiness and some practical tips to get happy and stay happy in a very unhappy world.

So let us consider why people are unhappy. I recently attended a family wedding where during the reception dance I took a much needed break in the foyer, having danced like a madman for an hour or so (I hadn’t done that in a while). While in the foyer some family I hadn’t seen in a few years from overseas cornered me with a very purposeful look in their eyes and I knew the conversation had a very specific agenda. The couple I refer to are Christians of the evangelical persuasion. Good people with good intentions but really only open to a single, precisely defined world view. The conversation started with some pleasantries like, “how are you?” and, “how are the kids?” etc. Then they moved to the next point on their agenda, “What church are you fellowshipping at these days?” The assumptions being that I was Christian and that I was the type of Christian that placed some value on “fellowshipping at a church”. Both valid assumptions considering that I’ve been both a missionary and an evangelical pastor in my past. So I remained polite and said, “I’m not at any church at the moment”. “Oh…” was the surprised and somewhat tentative response. “Can you tell us why?” they continued. I knew that no truthful response I could give here would result in a rational and open philosophical conversation, but being ever the optimist I gave them the benefit of the doubt, “Because I’m not really convinced that there’s any point to it”. Uh, that turned out to be an enormous mistake. They, well one person in particular, became visibly emotional and angered the more I tried to explain my point of view. They started to bombard me with scriptures which in their mind proved beyond any doubt that everyone should be 1.Christian 2.In a church 3.Under submission to the local church authority 4.In a home cell 5. Tithing 10% of their income to the church… and the list of criteria kept growing with each passing sentence. As I showed them alternative logical interpretations for the scriptures they were flinging about they became personally offended as though rational discussion were in itself an abomination before God. They then played their final card, “Deon, I can see you’re not happy. Come back to God and you’ll be happy!” I almost burst into laughter and at the same time felt pity for these people and anger at the system that had moulded their outlook. Some very unhappy people were at that moment trying to convince me to join their “happy” club. I realized that to try and convince them about how happy I really was would only result in adding further chaos to the conversation, so I politely excused myself from the conversation and went back to dancing… happily.

I tell you this story to illustrate one of the reasons people are unhappy. Fear. I will write a separate article on fear, but it is critical to realize that fear is the arch nemesis (I collect comics) of joy and happiness. The average person is bound in fear. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of loss. Fear of failure. Fear of death. Fear of hell. Fear of God. Fear of authority. Fear of getting into trouble. Fear of pain. Fear of loneliness. With all of this fear it’s no wonder we struggle to smile or be content and happy. The people in my story are no different to almost anyone else. The average human being is born into a community; raised on a culture soaked in religion; told what to think and believe by parents and the “authority”; placed on an enforced timeline of school – university – salaried job – marriage – two and a half kids – retirement – death. The only way for a society to maintain this kind of pre-packaged lifestyle is through fear. Think about it. Have you ever heard these warnings… “Don’t do that – you might get hurt!” “Study hard or you won’t go to University” (i.e. you’ll be derailed from the timeline – another article you’ll be reading soon.) “You MUST have medical aid / life insurance / house insurance… what will you do if something BAD happens?!” “You MUST get married or you’ll be lonely” “You MUST obey the rules or you’ll get in trouble” “You MUST believe in God or you’ll go to hell” “You MUST have a job or you’ll be destitute” etc.

Wow, if I believed all of that I’d also be suicidal. But I have good news! It’s simply not true. You can survive without a job; I’ve done it for years. You can have an intimate relationship without getting married. You can live without the constant fear of future calamity. You will be OK in your old age (if you don’t get taken out by your fears first). If there is a God, then he loves you and he’s on your side and he’s bigger than your understanding of the universe or your ability to verbalize prayers or fulfil an endless list of duties. You are free to choose. Really!! You don’t have to be scared of anything or anyone or anything anyone says to you. You are free to think and ponder and discover and explore your universe. The world is your oyster and you don’t even know it yet. You are so scared of your next pay slip that you haven’t noticed the amazing shades of green in your garden or the beauty and wonder of your children. Whole days go by unnoticed by you because you’re paralysed by the fear of what could be instead of energized by the potential of your life.

You don’t have to live this way!

I told you I’d define my version of happiness. Happiness is a very broad concept, but is identifiable in its results. Here are a few.

A happy person:

• Is not fearful
• Is not constantly sad, angry or frustrated
• Smiles
• Has energy
• Is assertive (not passive or aggressive)
• Improves other people’s lives
• Is productive
• Has friends
• Is not lonely or bored
• Has “purpose”, a reason for living
• Feels important – make a difference in the world
• Is tolerant. Allows others to walk their own paths and enjoy the same right to free will
• Reserves judgement
• Loves generously

So how do we become happy? Here are 5 suggestions to radically improve your chances at finding happiness. This is by no means exhaustive, but I’ll save the rest for another post.

1. Slow down! It’s very hard to notice anything going on around you when you’re running past it at the speed of light. Slowing down is both physical and mental. Whenever I feel myself getting caught up in a “rush” mode, I sit down, close my eyes, breathe slowly and deeply and focus on slowing my heartbeat down. This is not rocket science, but it works. Then I quietly consider the facts of my circumstances and consider my required responses to each one. I also spend time doing what is really important like quietly and slowly stroking my kid’s hair or looking into the eyes of my loved ones and taking time to hear and talk.
2. Wield your will. I will write many articles on the topic of will power. Many people believe that they are a victim of their physiology or circumstances. My experience with training and coaching thousands of people as well as my own personal life experience has taught me that we all have an invisible, non-physical, dare I say “supernatural” power that is separate from any physiological or psychological deficiencies that may ail you. I have seen people “will” themselves out of wheel chairs, out of depression, out of resentment, out of poverty, over a finish line, through a battlefield, out of an addictive habit etc. Your will is like a muscle that must be exercised. Start with small things that often get victory over you and one at a time exercise your will over that thing until you’ve beaten it. Then tackle the next thing. You will be amazed at what you are able to achieve as you wield this power.
3. List ALL the facts. Often we are stressed, fearful and depressed because we’re basing our reactions on a single list of negative evidence. We’re conditioned to do just that. This list is almost always only half the reality (or less), i.e. the list is not complete. So finish the list, whether in your head or on paper. Example: This week is going to be a terrible week because I’m not prepared for my presentation and my daughter is having headaches again. [This is what we usually do]. On the other hand, it’s going to be a GREAT week because I’m going to do my best for the presentation and whether I make the sale or not I’m going to meet some new contacts and learn a whole lot. I’m going to take my daughter to the doctor and get a little closer to finding out what’s causing the headaches, and maybe even solve the problem altogether. I’m also going to read a great book, spend quality time with my family on Thursday, see that DVD I’ve been wanting to see for ages and enjoy the spring blossoms in the garden. I’m healthy, clothed and alive and the world is full of great opportunities for me.
4. Observe. Look around and take in the wonder of life. There are great things happening all around you every day. Consider things you see in their detail. When you see a tree, don’t just see a green object – actually LOOK at the tree and see it in its wondrous detail along with the birds nesting in it and its shape and colour and fragrance. Sit down in a busy mall or street and watch the people walk by. Consider their lives and problems – you will quickly realize that your problems are not so great and that we’re all living through the same things. Look at your kids when they talk to you. Look at your lover and take them in, appreciating every molecule of the wonder that they are. When you actually SEE life you will begin to enjoy it more.
5. Turn your worry into faith. The definition of worry and faith is exactly the same: Believing that something will happen that hasn’t yet happened. The problem is we spend far more time worrying about possible problems than believing in possible solutions. Take everything you’re worried about and list them on paper. This alone is therapeutic. Once you have done that make another list with all the things you’re ‘believing’ for – this is faith. Energize your faith with hope (enthusiastic faith), and exercise your faith with the power of your will (practical faith).