Deon Barnard

Last year I offended someone with a humorous Atheist cartoon on my Facebook wall… well, I offended a few people, but I’m used to that. This particular situation was interesting however for the following reason. The person I refer to let me know he was offended and that I was losing friends by posting such things. Losing friends? I asked him what friends I was losing and he said possibly himself. There were many other statements made in the line of, “friends respect their friend’s beliefs…” etc. I found it fascinating that someone who I had seen once in five years, and had nothing in common with, felt so free to use the ‘friend’ card to get me to shut up and behave, as though the thought of losing his ‘friendship’ would strike the fear of God into me.

What it did do was make me think, “I must write a piece on friendship some day!” This is that piece.

I didn’t shut up. I didn’t behave. The reality is that this human wasn’t a friend’s backside and had no rights to insist anything from me as a friend. Friendship isn’t a weapon to be wielded when it suits. Friendship is a commitment, a journey, a sacrifice. Needless to say, this human quickly unfriended me on Facebook and vanished into the sunset from whence he came… not unlike so many others who vanished the moment I stopped believing in a God.

I have often pondered over the idea of friendship. How does it work? Who are your friends? What rights and responsibilities does friendship bestow? What is friendship not? Having discussed this issue at some of our Rumbles, and amongst friends (true friends), I have some suggestions about what a friend IS and ISN’T.

A friend is…

1. Someone who has the wellbeing of their friends in mind.
2. Someone who takes the time and effort to get in touch i.e. initiates contact.
3. Someone who speaks well of his/her friends behind their backs.
4. Someone who won’t let their friends destroy themselves.
5. Someone you look forward to spending time with.
6. Someone who honours their commitments to their friends.
7. Someone who will help you move house.
8. Someone who will bring you a meal in time of need.
9. Someone who will come to your aid in a dangerous situation.

A friend is NOT…

1. Someone who only thinks of you when you call.
2. Someone who can’t remember a thing you said because they were too busy hogging the conversation.
3. Someone who says, “I’ll be there”, and doesn’t arrive – without warning or apology.
4. Someone who says, “I’ll be there at 8″, and arrives at 9 – without warning or apology.
5. Someone who suddenly doesn’t know you anymore because they heard rumours that you believe/did something strange – without consulting you about it before jumping to conclusions.
6. Someone who is happy to take continually without a thought to giving.
7. Someone who loves to have you along at their life events, but never attends yours because, “it’s not their thing”.
8. Someone who can change their allegiances in the blink of an eye.
9. Someone who takes pleasure in pointing out your ‘faults’, but heavens forbid you point out theirs!

How do you rate as a friend? You can’t be a friend to everyone, but when you claim to be someone’s friend do you really qualify? Just a thought.

My first attempt at an erotic short story. Let me know what you think.

If you’re not 18, it’s time to leave.

John Baker had been staring at her across the waiting area of arrivals gate B for at least 5 minutes. She was everything he had imagined and more. For the last two years he had only communicated with Susan over Facebook, and his only image of her was the limited gallery of low resolution photos on her profile page.

They had met, like so many others, by a random referral from a mutual, however distant friend they had both already forgotten. It was virtual love at first read. They were both musicians and free thinkers and it didn’t take long for either of them to start sharing more intimately than they might have in the real world.

They had often invited one another to visit their respective cities, but life was too busy and complicated, and perhaps they were both a little apprehensive about the thought of meeting each other for the first time. As it happened Susan had to fly to Johannesburg for a friend’s wedding and John was happy to pick her up at the airport the day before the event. This was the first time they would have physical contact since meeting in virtual space two years earlier.

John immediately recognised Susan from her profile pictures, but his breath was taken away at the reality. He was frozen in place, almost as though he would somehow wake up from a very pleasant dream if he dared step out to meet her. Susan was beautiful, but not in any traditional way. She had dusty blond short hair that spiked and protruded irregularly as if to compete for attention with the rest of her. She was fairly tall at about 5 foot 11 inches. Her figure was curvaceous so that she was not thin at all but appealingly female in all the right places. Her robust thighs were covered in tight blue jeans with a suggestion of pink lace protruding tantalisingly against her tanned coastal skin. Her naval was perfectly formed and pierced against her petit waist, which was clearly visible below a short, tight, white, V-necked T-Shirt that exposed her ample cleavage and the top of a lacy pink bra.

John realised that she was beginning to look concerned as she stood in the centre of the waiting area with her luggage, and he stepped forward to greet her. As soon as he came into view she recognised him and beamed. Her smile nearly knocked John off his feet and he had to shake his head to stay focussed on the simple task of greeting her. They came together and embraced like two people who had loved each other for years. Instinctively they both moved to kiss the other lightly and found each other’s lips hard to release. The kiss lasted at least 2 seconds and they both felt the first stirrings of desire and the discomfort of having to quench it for this occasion.

“Oh my God! You look amazing!” exclaimed Susan with a huge smile.

“Hardly,” said John, pushing down the blush moving up his neck, “But you… wow! Your pictures don’t do the reality any justice.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” teased Susan.

“C’mon then, let me take these things for you,” said John, as he picked up her two reasonably heavy pieces of luggage. “You’re staying at my place tonight, as agreed. We’ve got lots to catch up on.”

By the time they arrived at John’s house, the two of them had already caught up on the basic facts and events of each other’s lives for the last few months. John helped Susan get her things into the spare room and told her to make herself at home while he put some coffee and snacks together.

“You don’t mind if I take a shower?” asked Susan. “It’s been a long trip and I need to wash the dust off.”

“Of course not. Make yourself completely at home!” With that, John left her room and headed for the kitchen.

As he walked away Susan considered John’s appearance. He was 6 foot 3 inches, with dark brown hair and green eyes. He was not athletic or seriously toned, but he had a healthy build and exuded strength and confidence. His face was assertive and thoughtful. His long fingers had her mind wandering to arbitrary comparisons. She smiled to herself and removed her clothes without closing the door.

John came out of the kitchen holding a tray with two cups of coffee and some chocolate brownies in a saucer. As he placed the tray on the table in the lounge he raised his eyes to see the open bedroom door and beyond through the open en suite bathroom door. He could see the left strip of the glass shower and the occasional glimpse of the curve of a hip or an arm as Susan lathered herself in soap. His heart began beating wildly and he turned away in an attempt to reverse the effects of his imagination on his stiffening manhood. It didn’t work. He heard Susan exit the shower and move into the bedroom where he knew she must be getting dressed in full view of him, except he was now seated with his back to her on his leather three-div couch.

Susan moved past him into the lounge, her hand stroking his shoulder as she passed around the couch. Electricity flowed through him. She glanced around and noticed that the leather three-div was about the most comfortable thing in the lounge. She sat down next to him. John watched silently, passion relentlessly building. Susan was now dressed in a flimsy pair of soft cotton shorts and a silky, semi-transparent, feminine floral top. It was clear that she was wearing no bra as her nipples danced under the silky sheen of her shirt. He raised his eyes and was immediately embarrassed to notice her noticing his appreciation.

“Susan I…” John began, but immediately she leaned close to him and placed a single elegant finger to his lips.

“Shhh…” she protested through a mischievous smile. “We’ve got lots of time for talking, but right now I think we both have other things on our minds.”

That was all John needed. Suddenly the situation changed as he pulled her close and using both hands, guided her face to his own and passionately kissed her. They kissed for an eternity, lips generous as they allowed each other access. They had two years of taste and touch and smell to catch up on and in this moment all their focussed longing and passion and desire for one another was brought into crystal clear focus.

Then suddenly, as though the realisation came to them both like explosions, their hands started grasping at fabric – peeling away each other’s layers in a frenzied feral madness. As soon as Susan’s shirt was removed and tossed aside John crushed her against his now naked torso. He had to feel her exquisite breasts naked against his chest. She in turn pressed against him as though her breasts were moles trying to burrow into his heart. Already his hands were deftly removing her shorts. She had nothing underneath, as he suspected. Her hands were stripping away his belt and opening his trousers. Quickly, so as not to lose a single precious moment he lay back and peeled off his own jeans, undies and socks in a single movement.

They were now both naked. Susan moved over him as he lay on his back. Their lips embraced again and now they were both aware of every inch of contact from their feet to their face. John felt the smooth skin of her feet against his, her right thigh between his legs and her soft shaven sex against his hip, already leaving the wet evidence of her arousal.

Now John synchronised his fingers and his tongue. With an aggressive thrust he entered her mouth with his tongue, while at the same time inserting two fingers firmly past the tender outer lips of her wet sex and pushing them deep inside her and upwards against her corrugated G-spot. Susan inhaled sharply and arched her back involuntarily as she gave in to a violent spasm of pleasure. John’s fingers continued to caress her inner pleasure, not allowing her more than mere moments to catch her breath before engulfing her in deep and violent kissing.

She had already unconsciously begun to stroke his shaft, squeezing tighter and stroking more vigorously as her climax approached. Then John could not tolerate it anymore, and with surprising strength and agility flipped Susan onto her back and moved over and into her, his full length plunging deep inside her lubricated and hungry opening. Within two thrusts Susan screamed in climactic ecstasy and threw her face into John’s shoulder, biting hard into his flesh. John thrust hard three more times amidst Susan’s erratic convulsions and then erupted inside her. She pulled him down to her and held him tightly as the tides of his release diminished.

Now they could focus on catching up…

I’m writing this under a tree in a field somewhere between Caledon and Swellendam in the Western Cape of South Africa. It has been some time since I wrote on my blog and I’ve been promising a few articles over the holiday season. I thought I’d start the blogging frenzy off by looking back at 2010 and working out how I feel about the past year of my life.

I was unmarried for the whole of 2010, having finalised my divorce in December 2009. This fact made it a very different and interesting year for me. It has certainly been the least confrontational and most peaceful year I’ve had in over thirteen. It has been a year of consolidation and even recovery in a way. For an entire year I’ve come home to smiles and calm, and looked forward to the sanctity of my castle on the hill… which it almost is, having the best view of Johannesburg possible! I have spent many nights this year looking over the world below and contemplating the mysteries of life with a good scotch and a cigar or pipe, feeling a little like Gandalf or Bilbo Baggins.

The reason for the peace at home is a most wonderful specimen of woman called Heather, who has lived with me in my castle all year. I have never met a more understanding, unflusterable, kind-hearted human in all my life. We talk together, walk together, cook together, read together, dance together, camp together and share pretty much everything without stress or defence or score keeping or the need to control. This alone could make life almost perfect, but there’s more. We’ve actively reawakened our youth together. We’ve visited interesting venues, clubs and restaurants. We’ve read important books. We’ve mixed fantastic cocktails and shooters. We’ve investigated and invested in our sexuality. We’ve made home together. We’ve explored rustic camp sites. We’ve created new gourmet recipes. We’ve nurtured our kids together. We’ve walked away from religion and established a wonderful group of friends together.

This year was also the launch of my blog (the one you’re reading); Rumble in the Pub (a philosophical discussion group that meets in a pub); and Primordial Soup (a podcast of interest to Atheists and Secular Freethinkers). Many of these activities have overflowed onto Facebook or vice versa resulting in a year of passionate debates and discussions on very stimulating topics and holy cows. I’ve been branded a Satanist and a cult leader on several occasions, despite the fact that I’m sure Satan does not exist and I have no ‘followers’ and preach no mysterious ‘doctrine’. I have offended hundreds of people by asking uncomfortable questions about religion and highlighting the scientific improbability of Gods and Pink Unicorns. I have read Dawkins, Harris, Sagan and Hitchens this year and dived wholeheartedly into scientific enquiry and philosophical thought experiment.

This has also been a year for physical recovery. I started the year hardly able to walk. My sciatic nerve was pinched, and combined with poor fitness and the shortest hamstrings in the galaxy, I could only tolerate standing for five minutes at a time. In desperation I visited a Biokineticist for three months, once a week, who stretched my legs and back until at times I felt I would snap in half, until finally I had mobility again. I also started wall climbing which instantly became my favourite sport ever. The combination of stretching and building physical strength has restored me to be able to run and hike and stand and walk for hours and hours again. If there was a God I’d probably thank him… but as it is I’m just extremely pleased J.

On the down side (there’s always a down side), my ex wife moved to Natal with my children. Finances and distance has resulted in me not seeing them nearly as much as I want to. The times I’ve had with them have been special and precious, but I’ve missed out on a bunch of the good stuff, the daily gems of life. There are times when this overwhelms me with sadness and I have to stop myself crying out loud in random public places. I also know that they have a good life, both in Natal with their mom and here with me, and they’re growing into fantastic, and I deeply hope, rational human beings. I’m hoping to remedy the time issue this year, but it will be a challenge.

This has been an enormously busy year with many personal and public events taking place. I helped organise a 20 year matric reunion which was a roaring success in November. South Africa hosted the Fifa world cup football event in July (I attended the France/Mexico game in Polokwane with my boys). I hosted a rocking fancy dress birthday party in November. Heather and I moved into our home on the hill in May. We both started new Jobs early in the year. We went camping in February in Amanzimtoti, and October in Nottingham Road. We hosted a Rumble in the Midlands in December at the same Nottingham Road camp site. And the list goes on and on.

All in all I’d have to call 2010 a watershed year. A year of rebirth and success. A year of writing and reading. A year of friendships and discovery. A year of sex and wonder. A year of food and drink. A year of health and prosperity. If 2011 is even half as good as 2010 I say, “Bring it on!!”

In the spirit of reason, logic, communication and rationality, I am going to suggest a few reasons why people so often don’t make sense, and what they can do about their sense-less-ness. I refer to the way people engage in conversations, debates, critiques and other interactions with people where they’re trying to say something, but in fact say something else – or even worse, are trying to say something that really has nothing to do with the topic or context of the conversation.

There are several root causes for the dreaded disease of sense-less-ness:

• People don’t listen. Many people have the insanely annoying habit of listening only for gaps in the conversation so that they can continue to spew forth their out-of-context agenda at any cost. These people have no idea what anyone is talking about because they’re not engaged for the purpose of discovery or learning anything, but rather to give… and give… generously from their never-depleting resource of knowledge and oracle-like opinions. There are others in this category who simply don’t have time to both listen AND speak, so they err on the side of speaking. And then there are others still who can’t listen to you if they don’t like you – so the more offended they get, the less they hear anything you may have to say. You will never make sense until you learn to listen.
• People don’t understand or care about the rules of rational argument. This is my personal favorite! I can still handle someone who may not understand that they have broken three rules of logic in one sentence because they simply don’t have a clue what logic is or how to use it, but when someone who understands logic, insists on being illogical, for manipulative and bullying effect, I tend to lose my sense of humor. The following are NOT reasonable or logical arguments:
  • “Because I say so!”
  • “It must be true because I read it in a book”
  • “I’m fond of carrots. Some cakes have carrots in them – so I love cakes”
  • “Zulus are taxi drivers”

  It’s one thing for someone to get their argument muddled up in the heat of verbal dialogue – not everyone thinks quick on their feet – but there’s no excuse for sending an illogical email or letter which you’ve had time to think through and double check with a colleague for instance. Logic takes practice, and I have a strong conviction that all children should be taught logic and rational debating skills at school in their language classes, especially because so many kids drop mathematics as a subject in grade 10.

• People are dominated by their right or left brain. Not all systematic and logical people (left brained) make sense – mainly because they often lack in the emotional and people skills department. Often discussions only make sense in the context of both feeling (right brain) and fact (left brain). For instance, an emotional wife says something like “My whole world is crashing around me!!” Her left brained husband says “Don’t talk rubbish!” Of course, from a purely logical point of view he is correct in his assessment that his wife may be overstating the case, but he’s not connecting with the emotional truth that she feels as though she’s about to be crushed by a heavy weight. Her statement makes more ‘sense’ than his in the context of what is being discussed. Equally, an entirely right brained person might take every conversation down a rabbit hole of fantasy and feeling and ignore all rules of logic. To be truly good at problem solving you need to develop both sides of your brain and also learn to be in tune with irony and sarcasm, as most people don’t usually ‘literally’ say what they mean.
• People don’t know the difference between healthy debate and emotional warfare. All points of view that can be argued or defended are merely that – points of view. There are multitudes of people who simply cannot discuss some topics without getting ‘personally offended’, as though the topic defined them, and any disagreement is perceived as an attack on their character. Here are examples of points of view that have such people lashing back with personal attacks and irrationality:
  • “I don’t think God exists”
  • “Marriage is irrelevant today”
  • “Pornography can be healthy”
  • “Women should have the right to have an abortion”
  • “There’s nothing wrong with being gay – people have the right to have sex with anyone they like”
  • “George bush was correct to invade Iraq”
  • “The bible is not God’s word. It was written by men”

  These are the sorts of topics that cause people to switch off, stop listening and shut down – and they shouldn’t be! It’s 2010 – time to grow up and stop living in the dark ages of cultural and religious censorship.

So what can one do when they discover the early symptoms of sense-less-ness in their lives? Pray… Only kidding! Read – grow your paradigms and vocabulary which are tools for rational discussion. Learn about the language of logic (Philosophy 101). Listen! Listen to hear and understand – not to respond – then your responses will make sense. Grow your general knowledge and sense of the world. Practice – engage in debates on hot topics with people you trust and feel safe with, this will help you practice the techniques of reasonable and rational debate. And finally – don’t take everything personally – have fun talking to people, even when they disagree with you… no wait – ESPECIALLY when they disagree with you!

At about age 35 (or thereabouts) you start to see the world differently; you don’t feel any different in your core personality, but you’ve banged your head enough times and been dealt enough crappy cards to start questioning a few things and even start regretting some of the decisions of your youth – in a word you grow up. Ok, so that’s two words… Melancholics!

One of the things that changed for me was that I finally realized I wasn’t Superman. Yes, I used to believe I could jump tall buildings in a single bound, and almost could; or win every argument through sheer force of character, without knowledge; or cure cancer, in Jesus name! Now I’m happy if I can get through a day without taking Voltaren for my back or finding a letter from a creditor in the post box. Things aren’t as simple now as they were at age 18, and although that doesn’t make life any less worth living, it does sometimes make me wish I could go back in time and give myself some advice or at least a klap across the head. So here are some of the things I would tell myself – some of them I worked out early on my own and others… well, I wish I had.

1.    Travel. There is a huge difference between those that have left the caves of their miniscule existence in their home, their suburb, their local McDonalds, and those who haven’t. People who travel develop a balanced world view and a level of tolerance that you don’t find in insular communities.

2.    Get a degree. It really doesn’t matter what degree, just do the three to five years required to get the certificate. This develops the habit for reading and study in your adult years, but most importantly it opens vital career opportunities. On the flip side if you’re well into your twenties or more and don’t have a degree then start one now – it’s never too late.

3.    Learn how to use a computer. I can’t stress this enough. It won’t be long before most of our activities are virtual. You need to enter the working world with I.T. competency – right now that means knowing your way around Microsoft Office and the Internet as a minimum standard.

4.    Turn off the TV. Read my two articles on the matter. ‘Nuff said.

5.    Learn about accounting and tax. Whether you’re going to spontaneously launch your own small business or just keep your personal affairs in order, you’re going to need to know how these things work. Save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache and learn this young!

6.    Think twice about getting married young… or even at all. Sure, society has been promoting this way of life since the beginning of time, but the facts are overwhelming against marital success, especially for those who marry young. I know the religious among us gasp in astonishment at this notion, but let them gasp, and you live your life with your eyes wide open. Love because you want to love, not because you’re looking to find a slave you can control forever, or become a slave to a religious or legal contract. Love, intimacy and commitment have nothing to do with contracts. If you are married, chill – I’m not speaking a death sentence over your relationship, but many of you, if you were honest enough to admit it, would agree that it may not have been the best idea ever.

7.    Have sex. If you have a (consensual) lover or spouse, don’t deny each other; pleasure each other; give each other plenty of orgasms; spend tons of time being naked together; and liberate your sexuality. Society in general and religion in particular make us deny our sexuality, relegating it to embarrassing conversations in private corners; or dingy downtown porn shops; or to the purpose of procreation alone (in the missionary position of course). This is insane! People who don’t have regular sex are usually miserable and uptight. Be safe of course!

8.    Live according to your means. I see thousands of young people living someone else’s dream for their lives, which generally involves buying a house in a suburb; and a luxury car; and a swimming pool; and the latest in technology; and… and… and! If you want to be an artist then you should go ahead and pursue your dream, but understand that it will mean being real about how you live and what you have. At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter if you’re living in a one bedroom flat in the middle of the city if you’re doing what you’re passionate about. You can always swim in someone else’s pool.

9.    Learn another language. The joke goes, “What do you call someone who speaks three languages?” (Trilingual), “Good, and what do you call someone who speaks two languages?” (Bilingual), “Good, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?” (American). One of the most useful things you will ever do is learn another language. It will open your mind and improve your capacity for understanding the world you live.

10.    Don’t always follow the rules. Some rules make sense and following them is wisdom. Some rules make no sense at all and are designed to control you or keep you from inconveniencing someone else at your expense. Some rules have been there for hundreds of years and no one can remember who made them or why we’re still following them. Some rules are worthy and yet at times it is still wisdom to break them for a worthier purpose. Question the rules you live by, ask yourself why they’re there and whether those reasons make sense. The greatest men (and women) in history became great because they broke a rule, not because they were sheep who blindly followed. See my article on being a salmon, not a sheep. There are worse things in life than getting into trouble – living without passion is one of them.

Hmmm… I think this needs another post.

After my article on what women don’t understand about men and intimacy, women might think I’m only putting forward a male point of view so, as promised, here’s an article that most men could do with reading.

I was recently talking to a male friend of mine from France who was appalled at the South African male condition, which I’m sure is not much different to the Australian or American condition. His impression of South African males was that we have no clue about romance or seduction and that the closest we ever get to love talk is, “Hey babe, let’s have a quick pomp before the rugby”. We are very busy trying to convince everyone how masculine we are by putting on a macho façade and thinking that’s what chicks dig. Anything that’s pink, scented, soft, tender or romantic is “gay”… and the average redneck is seriously homophobic (a little insecure me thinks). This is a huge problem for our guys, because the stuff that really appeals to the heart of a woman is going to require dropping the macho routine and embarking on a journey of feeling and articulation and tenderness, all very gay or course… NOT!!

So men, if you can get out of your fighting, mocking, TV watching, distracted by sports, burping, farting, and sarcasm, state of mind for half a minute, you might find the following tips quite useful for making your lady feel loved. I have to say though (see my previous article) that if you’re just not that into her, or she’s just not that into you, and she’s really not the one for you, you’re probably not going to be able to pull this off with any conviction at all and your problems might be bigger than a lack of romance.

1. Physical touch. Touch your lady throughout the day, whether you’re a “physical touch” person or not – just do it. A stroke on the arm; a gentle hand against the small of her back; a kiss on the neck as you walk past her; holding her hand in the mall; etc.
2. Look at stuff she likes when you go shopping like: dresses; shoes; gifts for friends; etc. There will be times you drop her at a boutique while you move on to the cigar shop alone, but from time to time you need to shop with her for her benefit alone, just because it makes her happy; and when you do – smile, look interested, make insightful comments and tell her how item X, Y or Z suits her. She’ll do the same with you.
3. Listen, and make her feel like you’re listening. Don’t try and “fix” all her problems the moment she raises them – mostly she just needs to voice things to get them off her chest and settle emotions. Instead of saying things like, “why don’t you just…” or, “so why are you getting so upset about it?” try using words like “That must have been difficult…” or, “Really? How do you feel about that?”
4. Be honest. If you’re looking for a life partner there has to be complete openness and honesty. If honesty is going to break up your relationship then you’re with the wrong person. Find someone who can go through your list of dark secrets and still love you for who you are. She needs to be in a relationship with all of you, not just the parts you allow her to see (and vice versa). Honesty is the only way to intimacy, anything else is delusional.
5. On sex…Ok, this point is age restricted, but should be taught to all boys at a young age to bring about an evolution among our cavemen. Activate her senses through tender and sensual touch. Sex is not all about your orgasm… in fact it’s hardly about your orgasm at all! We all know how quick and easy it is for most men to orgasm, so don’t focus on this element when you’re with your lady, focus on her pleasure. Take time and use your hands (and anything else she’ll allow) to tenderly activate the nerves of her skin all over her body. Don’t just rub away at the same place every time – get creative and experiment with sensations and techniques and allow her to tell you what’s amazing and what’s not. You may just find that you get as much personal satisfaction from her pleasure as you do your own.
6. Make sacred time for each other. Every week there should be specific appointments with each other that you simply don’t allow anything to interfere with. You wouldn’t allow anything to disrupt your business meeting, so don’t allow work or kids or family or friends to disrupt your special time together. Make time to catch movies, chat, make love, do hobbies together etc. She’ll feel great if you actively defend those times from external threats.
7. Don’t lose your manners. Open the door for her; say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’; offer to dish up for her at a party and get her a drink; introduce her to people properly; carry stuff for her; etc.

This is a very short list and I’m sure women everywhere could add all sorts of interesting ideas to this article so go ahead and leave your comments.

Often obstacles in relationships stem from personality clashes. You may be asking, “Why doesn’t he like me?” or, “What have I done to offend her?” or, “Why does he seem to get along with everyone but me?” It is important to understand that we all approach life and tasks differently, largely based on our personalities (see my introduction to personalities). Cholerics for instance, generally prefer understanding headlines and leaving the details for others to sort out, whereas Melancholics generally feel safer when they have had a chance to plan everything to the smallest detail. If these two people were assigned a task to work on it might be reasonable to assume that they would work well together, one focusing on the general direction and vision casting, and the other wrapping up all the details, but often this is not the case. The project might fall apart because the Choleric communicates in single word ideas, expecting the other person to intuitively understand what needs to be done; and the Melancholic, frustrated with the abrupt and autocratic style of the Choleric becomes critical and depressive. At the same time the Choleric is getting frustrated with the pessimistic view of the Melancholic and the long and intense conversations he’s constantly being requested to have in order to thrash out details. This type of misunderstanding and frustration takes place everywhere, all the time, because:

• People don’t understand personality styles (their own or others)
• People underestimate the role of personalities in relationships
• People aren’t willing to adjust – “I am who I am and people must just accept me the way I am”
• People see other personality styles as ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ – “If they were just more like me”

So here are a few simple suggestions for improving work relations and effectiveness with each style.

Working with Cholerics

• Don’t walk in with a flip file and 57 points to discuss. This will turn them off immediately. Stick to the main issues and give summarized feedback focusing on the bottom line.
• Don’t mumble, stutter or avoid eye contact. Cholerics respect power. Once they lose respect for you it’ll take a small miracle to win it back. Say what you have to say confidently (and succinctly) then let them get on with stuff.
• Don’t be a rules lawyer. Cholerics make and break rules regularly. They are seldom impressed by someone who constantly points out where they’re breaking rules – rather highlight the consequences of their actions for them and then leave. Remember, the greatest people in the world had to beak rules to make progress.
• Don’t get offended at their lack of emotional warmth or lack of sentimentality. Cholerics seldom recognize the need for warm greetings and small talk, but that doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate you or that they’re in a bad mood. You might have to initiate the, “Good morning!” Often the choleric appreciates this and says something like, “Oh, sorry. Didn’t I greet you?”

Working with Sanguines    

• Silence kills. An absolutely quiet working environment will frustrate and stifle a Sanguine. Sanguines need regular opportunities to communicate and laugh.
• Watch your negativity levels. Sanguines wilt in a negative environment – they hate sitting somewhere where people whisper intense and gloomy messages to each other. To get a good rapport going with a Sanguine, smile a lot and laugh openly.
• Don’t be a bore. Sanguines want to have fun. Introduce fun and play into your dealings with Sanguines. To achieve this you might want to use music, team building events, Friday casual day etc
• Give them a stage to shine on! Sanguines love to be noticed and appreciated, so give them roles and tasks where this can happen. Let the Sanguine give an announcement at a meeting or sell an idea to a group of people.

Working with Melancholics

• Appreciate and respect their personal space. Unlike many Sanguines, Melancholics prefer to keep to themselves and get on with their work. They often feel threatened and anxious when people invade their personal space, physically or otherwise, and interfere with their work.
• Give them details. Melancholics are not effective or productive when they only have vague headlines and generalities to work with. They want to know who must do something; where; by when; with what; in which manner; etc. This must be communicated verbally or in written form.
• Stick to the agenda. Melancholics are not prone to wandering off the topic in an attempt at humor or some other such distraction. Stick to the facts and avoid generalizations and exaggerations.
• Remember your manners. Melancholics live by rules, traditions and doing the ‘proper’ thing. You won’t make many Melancholic friends by forgetting to say please or thank you, or by raising your voice or any other abusive coercion.

Working with Phlegmatics

• Be sincere. Phlegmatics mistrust loud, opinionated people. Quiet down, look them in the eyes and show them that you have their interests at heart.
• Be gentle. Phlegmatics will open up to people who are tender and kind, and even then it may take a long time to trust you enough to really share openly.
• Give them a sense of security. Phlegmatics thrive in a secure and constant environment. A change of role or even moving their desk can be deeply unsettling.
• Be concerned about their personal life. It is not unusual to find little framed photos of their kids, dogs or other beloved things surrounding their work space. Phlegmatics are sentimental by nature and appreciate it when someone asks about the health of their kids etc. Just remember that they know when the question is sincere and when it’s not.

You might be saying, “But what you’re asking me to do for these people goes directly against my own personality style,” and that’s the whole point. It is because it is so difficult to adjust to the personalities of those around us that we need to be constantly reminded of these simple things; after all, if we expect people to adjust to us then surely we need to return the favor.

Let’s face it – parents are overworked and overstressed and don’t have tons of creative energy to come up with interesting things to do with their kids. I know the feeling! Sometimes we just need a little push in the right direction to wake us up from our boredom and repetition. Here some things you can try with your kids, and although they may not all be a hit for every child, your kids will appreciate the change of scenery and the personal interaction with you. This is not rocket science, just simple and fun things to do.

1. Build fortresses

This is a great creative activity and works especially well for boys. You will need to collect a bunch of odds and ends like: nails; wire; glue; cardboard; elastic bands; bits of metal and wood; tins of various sizes; paints; and those great pieces of polystyrene packaging that surround appliances which look like fortresses just waiting to be cut and painted! Then dive in and start building. Turn tins into towers and cardboard and string into draw bridges with chains. Make moats and elevators and stairways. Just let the imagination flow. Add to the fortresses those cheap plastic world war two soldiers and your kids will have hours of fun.

2. Build a race car game

Get a big sheet of cardboard or paper and draw a grand prix style track. Intersect the track with lines every 5cm or so. Then either use small toy cars or cut out little cardboard car shapes and paint the each one a different color. You will need a dice. Each member of the family chooses a car and places it on the starting section. Then race around the track by rolling the dice in turn. You can add your own rules like: 6′s roll again; 1′s miss a turn; etc. Have a statistics sheet and record each game’s positions, working out averages, best ‘times’ etc. I have had hours of fun and laughter doing this with my kids. They keep upgrading the track and the cars and the rules with each game.

3. Go to the zoo

Kids absolutely love animals, and city kids seldom get to go see them live, so book a Saturday at the zoo. When you get tired you can always hire one of those golf buggies – the kids LOVE that!

4. Have ice cream at a park

There are great parks with lakes and playgrounds all over the place. This gets the kids out into the sun and costs virtually nothing. Take a ball along and kick it around for a while. Take the dogs.

5. Have your kid’s friends over for a braai

Get the family into the garden with your kid’s friends. Kids get bored with their parent’s company and need to spend time with friends their age. Light a fire, make boerewors rolls and let them have fun. When they start running out of ideas, start a game of boules or croquet on the lawn.

6. Read to your kids

Just pick up an interesting book and read. It’s always warm and cozy to read together as a family all cuddled up in bed. Read with expression.

7. Broken story

As you all sit in the lounge start a story. Literally tell a story starting with “Once upon a time…” say three sentences and then ‘pass the story on’ to the person on your left. That person must continue the story and say three more sentences. You will have great fun going around the room several times and seeing how each child throws their own personality and creativity into the story. You also learn a lot about your kids this way.

8. Have a dance party

Clear out the coffee table, turn up your kids’ favorite music (I feel your pain if it’s the Jonas Brothers), and have a family disco. Invite their best buddies over and do all sorts of crazy moves and dances. Have each child demonstrate their own dance while everyone copies them. Make pink and blue non-alcoholic cocktails and even dress up for the occasion in fancy dress.

9. Go fishing

Find a nearby lake or dam where fishing is permitted, pack some chairs and a picnic and get your kids cheap fishing rods for the occasion. Show them how to attach a hook and bait and how to cast. If the fish aren’t biting and they start getting bored, unpack the picnic and have a feast.

10. Go camping

Camping is one of the greatest things you can do with your kids, ever! Campfires at night; fishing at dusk; collecting wood; hiking; pitching tents; cooking camp food; exploring; keeping out the bugs; horse riding; bird watching… the healthy, soul-restoring things you can do on camp is endless. Your kids will unwind, relax and be kids again – and so will you. Camping requires a small investment up front but it is one of the best investments into your family you will ever make. Once you have the stuff you need, camping is very budget friendly. I suggest the following minimum basics which can be found at camping stores, Macro, Sportsman’s Warehouse… pretty much anywhere:

• Tents
• Gas cooker
• Lights for inside the tents and walking around
• Portable table and chairs
• Ground sheet and tarpaulin for a central gathering/social area
• Inflatable mattresses and pump
• Sleeping bags
• Fishing equipment
• A box of cheap kitchen crockery and cutlery (plastic or tin)

Share your ideas for fun and inexpensive things to do with your kids. Leave a comment.

Wow, what a title! If that doesn’t pull in some visitors then I don’t know what will. I write this article as a male who is tired of the never ending whining of women who make statements like, “My husband/boyfriend/lover is afraid of intimacy” or, “He’s not interested in intimacy, he just wants sex” or, “I’m really hoping we can go and see a therapist about his intimacy problems”… excuse me while I puke.

Firstly, let’s clear up what intimacy actually is – Wikipedia says: Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.

I know any number of couples, and I speak from painful personal experience, where the same woman complaining about intimacy in her husband is herself entirely deficient in the areas of dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocation. The uncomfortable truth about intimacy is that it takes two to tango. The reasons preventing women from wanting to become ‘vulnerable’ and ‘honest’ with their husbands may be the same reasons that give men the reputation of ‘not being intimate’.

Here are some myths that need busting:

Myth 1: Men fear commitment

Truth: Men are scared of committing to the wrong person for the rest of their lives. The idea of being with someone they don’t connect with on anything more than a superficial level, for the rest of their lives, is the stuff of nightmares.

Myth 2: Men only want sex

Truth: Of course men want sex, as do women, but unlike women, men can have sex just for fun, and don’t use it as the only assessment criteria of a good relationship. Men can have sex in the good times and the bad and, being poor at multitasking, tend not to relate their emotions during love making to every other emotion they’ve felt for the last month, blaming one on the other. Men want lots of things! If women were less critical about their partner’s sex drive and more interested in what really makes them tick, they’d be surprised to find a complex, emotional, thinking being with a great desire for intimacy and connectedness.

Myth 3: Men fear intimacy

The opposite is true. Men crave intimacy, but with the right person. Intimacy requires a connection, a chemistry, a coming together of souls. A man is not going to get intimate with someone that does not feed his spirit as much as he feeds theirs. True, many men can have sex with anyone and pretty much at any time, but believe me; they know the difference between sex and intimacy. In the heart of a man is the desire for a life partner, someone who will dig below the surface and find the real him, and when they do, will accept them for exactly who they are without judgment or intolerance. A man won’t be truly intimate with someone who judges him negatively for being who he is. He can have sex with such a person; he can smile and entertain guests with such a person… but his heart will remain closed.

Another point to consider here is (quoting another famous author) ‘He may just not be that into you’. You can’t force, manipulate or coerce someone into loving you – they either do or they don’t. Getting angry and making demands won’t improve the situation; it’ll just make it worse. Multitudes of counselors and therapists can’t flip a switch of love or intimacy in someone – the most they can accomplish is to offer tips for reasonable behavior. I have seen many good men reduced to well behaved pets who speak when they’re supposed to, smile at the right times and put on a good show for friends and family… inside they’re dying and longing for authenticity.

In summary: Contrary to the popular pro-women’s-needs philosophies so prolific in self help books, television talk shows and magazines; women would do well to stop and consider carefully the real dynamics at play in their relationships – not just what they’re ‘not getting’ from their male partners but a deeper look at the genuine commonalities and connectedness between them required for true intimacy. You may just find that you’re flogging a dead horse.

Watch this space for my upcoming article to men: How to make your woman feel loved

I am astounded by how few adults there are that seem to have any idea of how to handle children and get the best out of them. I hear rednecks everywhere say things like, “since they introduced laws against corporal punishment, children have become unmanageable.” Let’s look at this argument. It assumes that the secret to well behaved kids is giving them a hiding, i.e. inflicting pain, and yes, in the days of corporate punishment kids were certainly less prone to open rebellion, knowing that they might get beaten for any number of reasons like: disrespecting adults; speaking out of turn; fighting with siblings; etc. What the argument doesn’t take into account is that there are other methods for inspiring positive behavior in children that do not require inflicting physical pain, but do require some effort and focus. The argument also assumes that if a child submits to corporal punishment that we’ve achieved a change of heart too. This is the same red-necked reasoning that birthed, “children should be seen and not heard”. An intelligent person realizes that to change a child’s behavior we should change their heart first – in that way the child begins to manage their own behavior and the adult does not have to micro manage forever. The same motivational methods apply to adults in the workplace where we certainly cannot use corporal punishment!

Like adults, children need motivation to thrive, but how do we apply Maslow’s or Hertberg’s principles to motivating children? Surely a child cannot have a clear view of their future or their “dream”? Wrong. A child’s dreams are often far clearer than an adult’s. Adults have often had their childhood dreams smashed by the harsh realities of life and then degenerate into unmotivated zombies. Children however have very real ideas about what they want out of life and what turns them on. I attended a pre-school prize-giving event where all the kids were asked to stand up and tell the audience what they wanted to be when they grew up. The kids knew exactly what they wanted to be, from astronauts and firefighters to racing cars (yes, not drivers – cars J). When I ask most adults what their dream is I get a blank stare. Children also have the same need as adults to be loved and recognized and to feel important. So here are some tips for motivating children:

1. Touch them

For those of you mature enough to continue reading without having to laugh derisively about the potential sexual nature of this statement (sigh), I am of course talking about being tactile. Hug your kids. Rub their heads. Wrestle with them. Play fight with your boys. Kiss your girl on the cheek or forehead regularly. Hold their hands. Physical connection is huge for helping kids understand that you love and accept them.

2. Look them in the eyes when you talk to them

We tend to be distracted by everything else when our kids are talking to us, cooking food; watching TV; working on the PC; etc. If a child initiates ten conversations with you during the course of a day and nine times out of ten you don’t stop to look at them and pay attention, they are going to develop a sense of rejection.

3. Be fun!

This may be the biggest problem most adults face with their kids – they’re boring, dull and strict. Adults pour their time and energy into paying the bills and holding the enemy away from the gate. Seldom do they have anything left for their kids who are desperate for a little fun and laughter from their care takers. This is especially critical in these times of protectionism where kids are not allowed to roam the streets by themselves and go find their own adventures. Parents need to understand that Playstation and Lego can only go so far in filling a child’s fun tank – they need human interaction of the joyful kind. What does this mean? It means you’re going to have to get down and dirty with your kids. Turn off the phone for an hour or two; play games; ride bikes; run in the park; have pillow fights; dress up; sing; dance; smile; laugh. Get the carrot out of your but! If you need ideas, drop me a mail and I’ll post some suggestions.

4. Draw them out

Your kids may be the type that volunteer feelings and experiences, but they may not. You need to draw your children out. Ask them how their day was at school, and when you get, “fine”, ask some more questions like, “tell me what you did” or, “how do you feel about that?” or, “did anything interesting or exciting happen today?” Let them feel they can tell you anything. Don’t judge anything they say to you or show an expression of shock or disapproval when you hear something you weren’t expecting – just converse and help them work through their ideas.

5. Give them responsibility

Just like adults, kids need responsibility. They need to feel like you trust them with tasks and projects. Don’t set them up for failure by giving them something to do way beyond their capacity, and always make them feel extra special when they help you with something or show initiative. Let your kids help you in the kitchen or the garden – they love to do things like make biscuits and meatballs (it’s about getting their hands dirty).

6. Be consistent!

The biggest cause of dissatisfaction in kids is inconsistency in their parents. If you say you’re going to do something – do it! If you say, “If you do that again I’m sending you to your room…”, then send them to their room when they do it. Moms, don’t move to the next point until you GET this!! You are creating monsters by constantly threatening your kids and never following through. They don’t know where they stand and are learning how to disobey and get away with it. It takes energy to stop what you’re doing and focus on correcting your child, but it’s absolutely critical for calming them down and giving them a framework to live in. Don’t allow something one day and rebuke them about it the following day – they need to understand what is and isn’t allowed.

7. Practice what you preach

Don’t tell your kids that racism is wrong, and then hurl racial abuse at the taxi driver cutting you off. Don’t tell your kids to keep their rooms clean and then leave your underwear lying in the passage. Don’t preach to your kids to be kind and considerate and live your life being inconsiderate and obnoxious to everyone you meet. Even better, instead of giving your kids a list of all the things they can’t do, start teaching them about their potential and all the things they can do! A universe of must-not’s will never cultivate a happy and creative environment. Demonstrate courage, honesty, fearlessness, fairness and tolerance, and your kids will follow suit.

8. Take an interest

Take an interest in your kid’s lives. Go see their shows and sports. Get involved in their homework and their projects. Ooh and ah about their inventions; Lego creations; and fantasies.

9. Read to your kids!

Don’t just read in your boring accountant’s voice – get enthusiastic about it! Use facial expressions, accents and tone when you read. This will instill an interest for reading and learning in your kids. Do NOT underestimate the enormous benefit of reading to kids in their developmental years (ages 6 – 12), or the enormous disservice you are doing by ignoring this.

Did I just give you 9 tips!? Wow. This topic is really close to my heart, and I might write some more tips on this in time to come. I would love to hear your comments and experiences in this area. Good luck.