Deon Barnard

“Success is 99 percent failure” – Soichiro Honda (Founder of Honda Motor Company).

We have all failed. We will all fail. These are undeniable truths. Most of your successes have come from how you’ve handled your failures. There are people who…

• fail and then believe they are ‘failures’ – triggering a cycle of failure in their lives.
• have suffered from some big failures and have thrown in the towel. They’re tired and have lost all hope for future success.
• deny their failures and shift the blame. These people never succeed because they never learn or grow.
• are scared of failing and so never try anything daring, anything risky, and anything big in their lives – just in case they fail in the attempt.
• believe it is a sin to fail. They have been trained to perform at all times and meet the expectations of someone else. This devolves into points 1 and 3 above.

Being scared of failure is about as clever as being afraid that you might be hit by a crashing plane on the way to work. If we keep thinking about it we’ll never leave home. In the case of the plane we push aside the fear by considering the how miniscule the probability is of that ever happening. In the case of failure we need to develop a sense of self esteem and adaptability. So what if I fail? I’ll try again, or I’ll try something else, or I’ll use the failure as a catalyst for a new plan of action.

I remember my first ever assembly as head boy. It was my role to assemble the 1000 or so students in the quadrangle and go through a list of general announcements while the teachers filed in from their morning staff meeting. I had my new flashy blazer on and a few natural stage-fright jitters. I took a deep breath and strode boldly onto stage to take my place behind the microphone at the podium. Just as my long clumsy legs approached the ’spotlight’, my size 12 feet swept up the microphone cable and in an instant I was falling like a giant redwood among the ruins of podium, mic and cables. In that instant I had to decide what to do with my failure. Would I lie there like a rabbit in the headlights or would I get up and acknowledge that I hadn’t made a great start to my year and get on with what had to be done. I got up and joined in the applause and laughter I was receiving from the crowd – told a joke – and carried on with the announcements. I had many failures that year, but in the end I think my season as head prefect was a successful one.

Anyone who claims never to have failed is either delusional or Superman, and even Superman fails a whole bunch in the new era of comics. So what do you do when you fail? Here are some suggestions for getting over failure and moving on to success:

• Assess the situation honestly. Ask yourself why you failed. Consider which of the reasons for your failure had to do with poor decisions and which were out of your control. Be honest. Ask the opinion of someone you trust to give you perspective.
• Learn from your mistakes! If you made a poor decision – acknowledge it – and decide how you might have done it better if you could do it again.
• Don’t wallow! There is no benefit in telling yourself what a loser you are, or sitting in a dark room drowning in misery and self pity. This attitude is a failure in itself! Get up. Call a friend. Talk about it. Get it out of your system. Move on!!
• Consider who you are. You are not the sum of your failures. You are so much more! You have talents, skills, passions, dreams, gifts and attributes that are unique in the world – in fact I believe that everyone is the best in the world at something – you may just need to find out what it is.
• Get back on the horse! Leave the past where it belongs and dare to try something else. Most great achievers suffered massive failures before they discovered their success.
• Put things in perspective. Many people think they have failed because they have been conditioned to see certain things as failures that are not. For example, a man is retrenched and finds himself unable to pay the bills for a few months. Is this failure? Not at all! He hardly needs to feel ‘guilty’ about circumstances out of his control. It can become failure if he gives up hope, sleeps all day and stops looking for new opportunities – but that’s a different story.
• Plan. To get over your failures you need to plan and strategize. What’s your next step? Write it down. Discuss it with a friend. Draw pictures. Make phone calls. Send emails. Get organized.

We might not always have direct control over our successes, but we certainly have control over how we handle our failures. When you fail – and you will most certainly fail at something – exercise your will and look to your success.

The ‘Zeitgeist’ of doing business is rapidly changing in the world. Gone are the days when boards of directors could make autocratic decisions for their own gain at the expense of people or the environment. As people are waking up (finally) to the fact that life is precious,and to their own sense of self worth, and right to an opinion, businesses are starting to realize that they don’t exist for the benefit of their bosses, but for all the role players involved, which include lowly tea ladies and even the Earth itself. This paradigm shift is taking the focus off making money only and moving us to a more human, right-brained and caring approach to the way we do people – and it’s about time too!!

There are still a few dinosaurs out there in business who think that barking out three word commands to their employees is a valid communication technique. There are still a handful of emotional infants who are bewildered when an employee stands up to their bullying, and simply can’t imagine what gives this rebel the idea that they might be “equal” to their own high and mighty self. There are still an outpost of colonial rednecks in business who see people as a necessary inconvenience in the ultimate goal of raping the system and every resource available to further their personal ambitions of wealth and popularity. These are the people who don’t read articles like this one. These managers, and even a few intelligent and approachable types, see team building as a complete waste of time and money. “Why would I want to spend precious Rands or Dollars to take my staff away just to have fun? What good is a little temporary motivation? First show me the math that demonstrates how this will positively impact my bottom line! I don’t do games!!”

This is a very shortsighted and ill-informed view of things. If you’re left brained about the whole thing, here is some people math to help you along:

• People + Resources = Income Potential
• Positive People + Effective Resources = Greater Income Potential
• No Team Building + no Communication + no Motivation = Negative People
• Negative People = strikes, go slows, time wasting grievances and reduced Income Potential
• Team Building + Communication + Motivation = Positive People
• Positive People = Energy & Enthusiasm & Ownership = Greater Income Potential

The numbers seem quite clear to me – if you want to increase your income, get with the program, after all, it is 2010 and people actually matter these days!

So what is team building? Many people that have a negative view of the concept have developed this outlook on adventure team building events like river rafting or wall climbing. The problem with these events is that they often promote competition and being ‘better’ than everyone on your team, resulting in one or two ’superpeople’ loving the event (because they ‘win’) while the losers feel left out and useless – and there ends up being more animosity back at work than there was before. Now don’t get me wrong – I’m one of those people who loves to compete and do crazy things and would personally enjoy such events – but not because they build teams – rather because they’re fun and a great stress relief for people like me. So let’s call these traditional ‘team building’ events… stress relief sessions. To build a team you need to inject the kind of dynamics that get people thinking, talking, playing and laughing together. Once you’ve achieved this you can move onto getting them to ‘work’ together. Here are some key ingredients for an event that actually builds teams:

1. Start by building the individual. Raise self esteem and self worth. I use three specific activities to achieve this: The Dream Walk, Personality Power and Wheel of Life depending on the time available. All of these are done in a conference room and require no physical prowess or competitiveness – instead they leave the delegates feeling uplifted, motivated and open to whatever else may be on the program.
2. Create opportunities that force people to share without interruption and listen without interrupting. For this I use a commercially available board game called ‘The Ungame’ and other activities like ‘Walk Talks’ and ‘Kneecap Sessions’.
3. Do right brained activities! We spend so much time in left brained environments that many of us have a shriveled nut for a right brain. Right brained activities are things that involve color, creativity, music, dance etc. My Hero Game activity has people sitting around assembling and painting figurines. At first people are tentative about such exercises but once they get started they don’t want to stop because they’re healing and growing and it feels great!
4. Do physical activities that don’t prevent the average person from getting involved in a meaningful way. My favorite team building game is team Frisbee which gets the team dynamic going and everyone can get involved. Team volleyball with an enormous lightweight plastic ball is also fun. There are hundreds of clever ways to get people playing together in a way that is not overly competitive, so stay away from having winners and losers – more especially individual losers – rather have 20 people on a team all ‘losing’ together.
5. Energy and Fun!!!! Don’t get an accountant to run your team building event – rather make sure your facilitator has an inspirational quality about them or you’re going to have a lot of rolling of eyes and huffing in frustration from your group. Also make sure the facilitator doesn’t come across as ‘cheesy’ or ‘cliché’ in the way they bring things across. Use variety to keep things alive.
6. Get people doing unexpected things together like making pizza in teams from raw ingredients or solving puzzles together.
7. Give people homework – a personal goal, or something they have to do as a team over the following days and weeks. This will ensure that the energy of the event continues to have positive effect in people’s lives once it is over.

Team building works. Regular team building works even better. But best of all is Team Building followed up by interested managers who care for, and communicate with, and motivate their people every day. Feel free to contact me for some ideas for your team building event.

If you’ve read my article ‘3 reasons to turn off the TV’ then you know that I don’t watch much TV, in fact if I’ve watched 10 episodes of anything this whole year it’s a lot. I do however love movies. I try watching them on the big screen where possible so as not to miss out on all the size and sound as envisioned by the directors and producers. I love movies for many reasons; firstly because I’m a story teller myself, and messages are often easier to accept when you’re looking at them portrayed in the lives of others rather than being directly preached at. As with T.V. there is a pile of mindless nonsense being spewed out of Hollywood, Nollywood and Bollywood, but every so often something powerful, meaningful or true comes along that moves my heart and quite literally changes my mind or life in the process. These are not movies designed for the entertainment value of explosions or high speed car chases alone, but rather movies that say something about the human condition in a special way. I’ll start with five movies, and if there’s a request for more I’ll do another article. Maybe you enjoyed these as much as I did:

The Village (M.Night Shayamalin: starring Joaquin Phoenix, William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver)

I think anything by Shayamalin is brilliant. His stories twist and turn and leave you with a sense of, “hmm, not quite what I expected, but wow!” This is not a horror despite the picture they used to advertise with. The Village is a wonderful story about how humans come together to form safe and loving communities but then fall into the trap of control and deception. It looks at censorship, leadership, culture, society, religion and a host of other human traits like courage and love. Shayamalin casts all his movies superbly.

Michael Collins (Neil Jordan: starring Liam Neeson, Aidan Quinn and Julia Roberts)

This movie inspired me! It is an historical look (back to 1920) at the early days of the Irish Republican Army (IRA) and one of its leader’s, Michael Collins (played by Liam Neeson who instantly became one of my favorite actors). I was particularly impressed with how effectively this man organized and communicated to an underground resistance army almost entirely without the use of technology using a small group structure. As with all movies of this type (Brave heart, Rob Roy etc.), I was also moved by his personal bravery and determination.

Taare Zameen Par (Aamir Khan: starring Aamir Khan and Darsheel Safary)

I had not seen many Bollywood movies and incorrectly assumed they were all musical action-love stories with repetitive plots – boy was I wrong!! Every time I see this movie I cry my eyes out. It is a moving story (brilliantly acted) about a boy with dyslexia (and possibly HDD) who is misunderstood by everyone at school and at home and finally, on the brink of suicide, is rescued by an incredible (and also dyslexic) teacher. There are so many kids in this type of situation today – this movie should be mandatory viewing for all parents and teachers. A must see.

The Matrix (Andy & Larry Wachowski: starring Keanu Reaves and Laurence Fishburne)

Don’t watch this movie for the great acting, because there is none. I loved this movie because it was a revolution in the way movies did special effects, but most importantly it was the first movie that really tackled the question, “What if everything we know is wrong?” It also stirs up philosophical questions like, “Can we be sure that what our senses tell us is true?” and presents the concept of an ‘online’ existence separate from our physical self, which we’re now starting to see with apps like 2^nd Life.

Luther (Eric Till: starring Joseph Fiennes)

The dramatic story of the German priest, Martin Luther (date 1520), who all but single handedly stood against the Roman Catholic Church which ruled the western world through fear and manipulation. His actions resulted in the formation of the Protestant Church and eventually led to political reforms that have changed the world forever. I was deeply moved by his conviction and bravery. There are many other themes that come through in this movie like how one group can see the actions of a man as divisive rebellion and another group sees those same actions as positive reform – often only time can tell.

What movies changed your life? Leave comments!

Managers have the difficult task of promoting the company’s agenda while at the same time caring for the personal needs of their staff. They have to get the most productivity out of employees, for the company to earn more profits, and yet at the same time see that staff are treated fairly and are personally fulfilled at work. The ‘company’ as an entity has no emotional capacity or people skills – it exists for the purpose of making profits – or at least that’s how it’s been for a hundred years; however, more and more in recent times there is a move toward a new philosophy where people, communities and Earth itself are all equally important shareholders in the company, and the board of directors are not a pantheon of Gods anymore. The old-school manipulative techniques of “you’re fired” and “don’t challenge me – I pay your salary” don’t fly anymore; in fact you’re likely to get hauled over the coals at the CCMA (Commission for Conciliation, Mediation and Arbitration) for even thinking about being so stupid. In short, the world is evolving and so must managers, supervisors, team leaders, directors and bosses. We need to understand how to get the best out of our people before we’re going to get the best out of our company. We need to start paying attention and caring.

Motivating employees is not the job of the “HR guy” or the external therapist; it’s not even the job of the manager or team leader – it’s everyone’s job. As we all start applying motivational principles at work, the motivational water table is raised and everyone benefits. Here are some tips for raising the motivational level at your workplace:

1. Have a regular “Barrel” session.

This is something I picked up from my ministry days, although few churches ever used it effectively. Imagine a wooden barrel made of staves and held together by metal bands. Imagine that some staves are short and others long, i.e. the top of the barrel is irregular. Now imagine pouring water into that barrel. If you continue to keep pouring water, after a while the water will overflow – at the shortest stave. No matter how much you keep pouring, the water level in the Barrel will never be higher than the shortest stave. Imagine the staves are critical success factors for your business and the water is the success (profits included). Have a weekly Barrel session with your team to “score” each stave of your business and then focus on improving the shortest stave – in this way you will raise the success level of your business. Let everyone get involved in the process, from the lowly receptionist to the uber-exec. Motivation starts by making people feel they’re included. PS: If you’re not sure where to start with this let me come and facilitate your first session.

2. Colorize your environment.

Nobody wants to work in a sterile, grey institution. Bring some life into the place with plants, paintings (not those sickening ‘motivational’ posters) and interesting furniture. Also, do a survey on what your employees think about their uniforms! Some corporate attire is worse than Afrikaans school uniforms. Get someone in who understands fashion and give your staff options for looking reasonable and professional at the same time. Funk up your corporate logo too.

3. Get rid of dumb incentive schemes

Incentive schemes that have your employees working twice as hard for an extra R100 at the end of the month will cause enormous dissatisfaction. Don’t link your performance management systems to financial incentives because all you’ll get in your performance interviews is everyone lying about how they’ve performed. Nobody is going to tell you what’s going wrong if they think it will impact their salary. Implement a performance management system that focuses on self development and the achieving of personal dreams, with an emphasis on coaching, and watch employee attitudes improve!

4. Communicate!

Talk to your people. Start the day with a focus session and deal with concerns as they arise. Deal with difficult situations one-on-one. If you have expectations then communicate them – only Stone Age managers think “they should know how to do that, it’s just common sense”.

5. Administrate your motivational plan properly

Many businesses administrate the more technical HR elements like salary, leave, employment records etc; but they don’t keep track of the stuff that really counts like your employees’ dreams and personal development. Managers should know where their people are ‘at’ and during regular coaching sessions should be monitoring the personal progress of each employee in their care. Keep secure records for this and please abide by the prevailing personal information security laws and standards.

6. Put the right people in the right places

Many people seem rebellious and contrary at work simply because they’re doing something that doesn’t fulfill them or suit their personality style. It is critical to get a sense of your employees’ GHAPE (gifts, heartbeat, abilities, personality and experience). In this way you will be able to assess whether you have a noisy extrovert dying behind piles of data capturing or a shy perfectionist trying in vain to motivate your sales force. PS: I can help you with this too!

I would love to hear stories of your motivational journey at work. What’s working for you? What’s de-motivating your staff? The more feedback I get the more useful I can be in my upcoming articles.

I am astounded by how few adults there are that seem to have any idea of how to handle children and get the best out of them. I hear rednecks everywhere say things like, “since they introduced laws against corporal punishment, children have become unmanageable.” Let’s look at this argument. It assumes that the secret to well behaved kids is giving them a hiding, i.e. inflicting pain, and yes, in the days of corporate punishment kids were certainly less prone to open rebellion, knowing that they might get beaten for any number of reasons like: disrespecting adults; speaking out of turn; fighting with siblings; etc. What the argument doesn’t take into account is that there are other methods for inspiring positive behavior in children that do not require inflicting physical pain, but do require some effort and focus. The argument also assumes that if a child submits to corporal punishment that we’ve achieved a change of heart too. This is the same red-necked reasoning that birthed, “children should be seen and not heard”. An intelligent person realizes that to change a child’s behavior we should change their heart first – in that way the child begins to manage their own behavior and the adult does not have to micro manage forever. The same motivational methods apply to adults in the workplace where we certainly cannot use corporal punishment!

Like adults, children need motivation to thrive, but how do we apply Maslow’s or Hertberg’s principles to motivating children? Surely a child cannot have a clear view of their future or their “dream”? Wrong. A child’s dreams are often far clearer than an adult’s. Adults have often had their childhood dreams smashed by the harsh realities of life and then degenerate into unmotivated zombies. Children however have very real ideas about what they want out of life and what turns them on. I attended a pre-school prize-giving event where all the kids were asked to stand up and tell the audience what they wanted to be when they grew up. The kids knew exactly what they wanted to be, from astronauts and firefighters to racing cars (yes, not drivers – cars J). When I ask most adults what their dream is I get a blank stare. Children also have the same need as adults to be loved and recognized and to feel important. So here are some tips for motivating children:

1. Touch them

For those of you mature enough to continue reading without having to laugh derisively about the potential sexual nature of this statement (sigh), I am of course talking about being tactile. Hug your kids. Rub their heads. Wrestle with them. Play fight with your boys. Kiss your girl on the cheek or forehead regularly. Hold their hands. Physical connection is huge for helping kids understand that you love and accept them.

2. Look them in the eyes when you talk to them

We tend to be distracted by everything else when our kids are talking to us, cooking food; watching TV; working on the PC; etc. If a child initiates ten conversations with you during the course of a day and nine times out of ten you don’t stop to look at them and pay attention, they are going to develop a sense of rejection.

3. Be fun!

This may be the biggest problem most adults face with their kids – they’re boring, dull and strict. Adults pour their time and energy into paying the bills and holding the enemy away from the gate. Seldom do they have anything left for their kids who are desperate for a little fun and laughter from their care takers. This is especially critical in these times of protectionism where kids are not allowed to roam the streets by themselves and go find their own adventures. Parents need to understand that Playstation and Lego can only go so far in filling a child’s fun tank – they need human interaction of the joyful kind. What does this mean? It means you’re going to have to get down and dirty with your kids. Turn off the phone for an hour or two; play games; ride bikes; run in the park; have pillow fights; dress up; sing; dance; smile; laugh. Get the carrot out of your but! If you need ideas, drop me a mail and I’ll post some suggestions.

4. Draw them out

Your kids may be the type that volunteer feelings and experiences, but they may not. You need to draw your children out. Ask them how their day was at school, and when you get, “fine”, ask some more questions like, “tell me what you did” or, “how do you feel about that?” or, “did anything interesting or exciting happen today?” Let them feel they can tell you anything. Don’t judge anything they say to you or show an expression of shock or disapproval when you hear something you weren’t expecting – just converse and help them work through their ideas.

5. Give them responsibility

Just like adults, kids need responsibility. They need to feel like you trust them with tasks and projects. Don’t set them up for failure by giving them something to do way beyond their capacity, and always make them feel extra special when they help you with something or show initiative. Let your kids help you in the kitchen or the garden – they love to do things like make biscuits and meatballs (it’s about getting their hands dirty).

6. Be consistent!

The biggest cause of dissatisfaction in kids is inconsistency in their parents. If you say you’re going to do something – do it! If you say, “If you do that again I’m sending you to your room…”, then send them to their room when they do it. Moms, don’t move to the next point until you GET this!! You are creating monsters by constantly threatening your kids and never following through. They don’t know where they stand and are learning how to disobey and get away with it. It takes energy to stop what you’re doing and focus on correcting your child, but it’s absolutely critical for calming them down and giving them a framework to live in. Don’t allow something one day and rebuke them about it the following day – they need to understand what is and isn’t allowed.

7. Practice what you preach

Don’t tell your kids that racism is wrong, and then hurl racial abuse at the taxi driver cutting you off. Don’t tell your kids to keep their rooms clean and then leave your underwear lying in the passage. Don’t preach to your kids to be kind and considerate and live your life being inconsiderate and obnoxious to everyone you meet. Even better, instead of giving your kids a list of all the things they can’t do, start teaching them about their potential and all the things they can do! A universe of must-not’s will never cultivate a happy and creative environment. Demonstrate courage, honesty, fearlessness, fairness and tolerance, and your kids will follow suit.

8. Take an interest

Take an interest in your kid’s lives. Go see their shows and sports. Get involved in their homework and their projects. Ooh and ah about their inventions; Lego creations; and fantasies.

9. Read to your kids!

Don’t just read in your boring accountant’s voice – get enthusiastic about it! Use facial expressions, accents and tone when you read. This will instill an interest for reading and learning in your kids. Do NOT underestimate the enormous benefit of reading to kids in their developmental years (ages 6 – 12), or the enormous disservice you are doing by ignoring this.

Did I just give you 9 tips!? Wow. This topic is really close to my heart, and I might write some more tips on this in time to come. I would love to hear your comments and experiences in this area. Good luck.

The power that drives any successful group, team or effort is motivation. I call it the “M” factor. I’ve seen, over and over again, skilled and professional teams of people fail at their tasks because of a lack of motivation. All the other factors may be in place: financial know-how; academic qualifications; physical capacity; resources; a worthy cause… but when the most important factor is missing (motivation), it all fizzles out into frustration and failure.

In this article I want to introduce the “M” factor by describing what motivation is and what motivation is not. This will be the first in the “M” factor series and the articles that follow will be practical guides as to how to introduce the “M” factor into different types of groups and circumstances. So let’s start with:

Understanding your motivational generator

There are many academic theories on what human motivation is and how it works. Two popular theories are Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs and Hertzberg’s Motivation-Hygiene theory. I particularly enjoy Hertzberg’s theory because it separates the factors that simply prevent dissatisfaction from those that truly motivate with long term effect. We’ll look at some of these when we discuss what motivation is not. I see motivation as a combination of faith and hope. It is that invisible voice that speaks to our depression and fear and says, “get up; get going; you’ll be OK; you can do this; this is going to be great!” Without this we are defenseless, we are overcome by anxiety and the instinct to give up, hide or run away. When we are motivated we have energy, strength and endurance. When motivated, men can overcome: adverse conditions; unpleasant bosses; impossible tasks; ill-health; and even great personal loss or trauma. Imagine if you will that motivation is a generator in your soul. For most people this generator’s power switch is off by default. For others, intermittent access to the correct kind of fuel has the generator powering on and off throughout the day, not unlike a typical hotel in Lagos. For a few people the generator is on all the time and they know just where to find the fuel to keep it going. The fuel is the “M” factor!

Let’s discuss this fuel for a minute. Maslow says that if you’re hungry you will be motivated by food (on the bottom, physiological layer of his pyramid). Your need to survive is the fuel that motivates you to get up and do something about it. This kind of fuel is not long lasting though, and the moment you eat something you are no longer motivated in the same way to do what you have to do to survive… until you get hungry enough again. The higher you go up Maslow’s pyramid the longer-lasting the fuel for motivation. At the top of his pyramid is the self actualization segment which involves things like: vitality; self-sufficiency; meaningfulness; creativity and authenticity. You will notice that these factors have nothing to do with money, possessions, fast cars or fancy clothes. What people are looking for (in all the wrong places) is to achieve a sense of being happy and at peace with themselves. If Maslow is correct then achieving this goal may require first working with the fuel to be found in the lower segments of the pyramid like: a sense of being safe; feeling loved; sexual fulfillment; feeling important; recognition; and a sense of achievement – again, notice that I’m not talking about money and possessions here. When you understand how to access this fuel for your own generator and to use it to refill the generators of others you will be mastering the art of motivation.

What motivation is NOT

Motivation is not keeping people happy and submissive so that they refrain from grumbling or disagreeing with you – this is easy to do through trinkets, discipline, fear and manipulation, which are very short term motivators and in the long term have the opposite effect. They are also not giving people things they ought to have already for the purpose of coercing them into action – these are what Hertzberg calls ‘hygiene factors’ or ‘factors which may prevent dissatisfaction’. I see too many managers and leaders trying to motivate their staff or teams using hygiene factors instead of true motivation. Here are some hygiene factors that do not motivate, but may cause dissatisfaction if not present:

• Salary
• Bonuses
• Good working conditions (lighting, heating etc)
• Policy and procedures
• Resources to accomplish the job
• Relationship with boss
• Supervision

These factors are not fuel for the motivational generator. I might say to you, “Joe, if you meet all your targets today I’ll increase your salary”. This may ‘motivate’ you to achieve some short term goals, but how long will that motivation last? Until you’ve spent your increase and the novelty wears off! After that you may ask yourself, “Why should I do anything for this company? They never pay me enough, even when I meet all the targets”. Your well meaning financial incentive may end up having precisely the opposite effect. Effectively you’re using jumper cables to kick start someone else’s generator, but the moment you remove your cables, their generator, which is running on empty, splutters to a grinding halt.

Many people use negative motivators to try and achieve a positive result. I see this everywhere, but particularly with parents and their children. “If my child is scared of me she’ll do what she’s supposed to do”. “The more I beat my child the more ‘motivated’ he’ll be to obey next time”. “The louder I scream the more my child listens to me!” So dear parent… how’s that working out for you? You’re just creating rebellious children, and if it hasn’t started manifesting outwardly yet, believe me it’s happening on the inside and one day you’re going to regret the monster you’ve created.

So what IS motivation?

First, it’s important to understand that motivation is personal and different for every individual. Our generators are not all the same model or size and they don’t all require the same fuel to run. Our individual capacity for motivation is influenced by many factors. In some ways Maslow is correct in that a hungry person will probably not be as motivated for philosophical conversation as someone who has everything they need. So it is critical to understand needs – your own, as well as those you want to motivate. However, having said that, my experience has led me to believe that everyone can be motivated by self fulfillment, even the hungry, if they understand what that self fulfillment looks like and get a taste of what it feels like.

The secret to motivation is tapping into the dream – the dream of the individual. Every person’s dream is unique, and although it is possible to get people motivated for a dream that is not their own, it is more powerful and beneficial to link your motivational efforts to each person’s own dream. The reason so few people are self motivated is because so many of them have no idea what their dream is. Many have never even considered the concept; they simply live their lives according to the expectations of the rich or powerful around them. They have become victims of circumstance and don’t know what to do about it. I have asked many people to describe their dream for me only to get answers like: “I want to be happy” or “I want lots of money” or “I want to get out of this job”. When I ask: “what will make you happy?” or “what will you do with your money?” or “what do you want to do instead of this job?” I get blank expressions. This is the hunger speaking; the loneliness; the lack that Maslow identifies at the bottom of his pyramid.

In my exercise “the Dream Walk”, I help people uncover their personal dream for their future. They literally draw the dream on a piece of paper and then we discuss what needs to change for them to achieve that dream and what will potentially prevent them from achieving it. When we understand people’s dreams we understand what they’re ‘about’ and we have clues about what will really motivate them. That means that to be ‘motivational’ you have to genuinely care about people and their needs and their lives; and to motivate yourself you have to start by understanding your own dream and what it’s going to take to get you there.

In the other “M” Factor articles I will specifically deal with motivating yourself, your kids, your colleagues, your friends and how to be motivational as a trainer, coach or speaker.

Watch this space!

This is a question everyone wants the answers for, before they’ve even got to asking the question. No matter how you look at it we’re all genetically constructed to want/desire/seek out a sense of peace or happiness or fulfilment or exhilaration. I.e. we want to feel good. You may say, but what about those who seek out punishment, abuse or even death? These people have often had traumatic experiences in their formative years – growing up in abusive situations or having been neglected etc. Even these seek out a warped sense of “peace” or “contentment” by pursuing the negative thing they’ve become familiar with. Ultimately we have all developed a “definition” of what happiness is for ourselves and inwardly desire to attain it.

It would be logical to assume that happiness is not like money. There is a limited amount of money in the world and the reason many people don’t have much of it is because someone else has it. This is an issue of distribution. Happiness however would seem to be something that is essentially unlimited in quantity. We could imagine that it might be possible for every person in the world to be happy at the same time, and that me having happiness should not mean that you have less access to it. So if we’re all looking for it, and there’s an unlimited amount of it… why is the world such an unhappy place? I’ll look at this concept next. Later on I’ll give my own definition of happiness and some practical tips to get happy and stay happy in a very unhappy world.

So let us consider why people are unhappy. I recently attended a family wedding where during the reception dance I took a much needed break in the foyer, having danced like a madman for an hour or so (I hadn’t done that in a while). While in the foyer some family I hadn’t seen in a few years from overseas cornered me with a very purposeful look in their eyes and I knew the conversation had a very specific agenda. The couple I refer to are Christians of the evangelical persuasion. Good people with good intentions but really only open to a single, precisely defined world view. The conversation started with some pleasantries like, “how are you?” and, “how are the kids?” etc. Then they moved to the next point on their agenda, “What church are you fellowshipping at these days?” The assumptions being that I was Christian and that I was the type of Christian that placed some value on “fellowshipping at a church”. Both valid assumptions considering that I’ve been both a missionary and an evangelical pastor in my past. So I remained polite and said, “I’m not at any church at the moment”. “Oh…” was the surprised and somewhat tentative response. “Can you tell us why?” they continued. I knew that no truthful response I could give here would result in a rational and open philosophical conversation, but being ever the optimist I gave them the benefit of the doubt, “Because I’m not really convinced that there’s any point to it”. Uh, that turned out to be an enormous mistake. They, well one person in particular, became visibly emotional and angered the more I tried to explain my point of view. They started to bombard me with scriptures which in their mind proved beyond any doubt that everyone should be 1.Christian 2.In a church 3.Under submission to the local church authority 4.In a home cell 5. Tithing 10% of their income to the church… and the list of criteria kept growing with each passing sentence. As I showed them alternative logical interpretations for the scriptures they were flinging about they became personally offended as though rational discussion were in itself an abomination before God. They then played their final card, “Deon, I can see you’re not happy. Come back to God and you’ll be happy!” I almost burst into laughter and at the same time felt pity for these people and anger at the system that had moulded their outlook. Some very unhappy people were at that moment trying to convince me to join their “happy” club. I realized that to try and convince them about how happy I really was would only result in adding further chaos to the conversation, so I politely excused myself from the conversation and went back to dancing… happily.

I tell you this story to illustrate one of the reasons people are unhappy. Fear. I will write a separate article on fear, but it is critical to realize that fear is the arch nemesis (I collect comics) of joy and happiness. The average person is bound in fear. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of loss. Fear of failure. Fear of death. Fear of hell. Fear of God. Fear of authority. Fear of getting into trouble. Fear of pain. Fear of loneliness. With all of this fear it’s no wonder we struggle to smile or be content and happy. The people in my story are no different to almost anyone else. The average human being is born into a community; raised on a culture soaked in religion; told what to think and believe by parents and the “authority”; placed on an enforced timeline of school – university – salaried job – marriage – two and a half kids – retirement – death. The only way for a society to maintain this kind of pre-packaged lifestyle is through fear. Think about it. Have you ever heard these warnings… “Don’t do that – you might get hurt!” “Study hard or you won’t go to University” (i.e. you’ll be derailed from the timeline – another article you’ll be reading soon.) “You MUST have medical aid / life insurance / house insurance… what will you do if something BAD happens?!” “You MUST get married or you’ll be lonely” “You MUST obey the rules or you’ll get in trouble” “You MUST believe in God or you’ll go to hell” “You MUST have a job or you’ll be destitute” etc.

Wow, if I believed all of that I’d also be suicidal. But I have good news! It’s simply not true. You can survive without a job; I’ve done it for years. You can have an intimate relationship without getting married. You can live without the constant fear of future calamity. You will be OK in your old age (if you don’t get taken out by your fears first). If there is a God, then he loves you and he’s on your side and he’s bigger than your understanding of the universe or your ability to verbalize prayers or fulfil an endless list of duties. You are free to choose. Really!! You don’t have to be scared of anything or anyone or anything anyone says to you. You are free to think and ponder and discover and explore your universe. The world is your oyster and you don’t even know it yet. You are so scared of your next pay slip that you haven’t noticed the amazing shades of green in your garden or the beauty and wonder of your children. Whole days go by unnoticed by you because you’re paralysed by the fear of what could be instead of energized by the potential of your life.

You don’t have to live this way!

I told you I’d define my version of happiness. Happiness is a very broad concept, but is identifiable in its results. Here are a few.

A happy person:

• Is not fearful
• Is not constantly sad, angry or frustrated
• Smiles
• Has energy
• Is assertive (not passive or aggressive)
• Improves other people’s lives
• Is productive
• Has friends
• Is not lonely or bored
• Has “purpose”, a reason for living
• Feels important – make a difference in the world
• Is tolerant. Allows others to walk their own paths and enjoy the same right to free will
• Reserves judgement
• Loves generously

So how do we become happy? Here are 5 suggestions to radically improve your chances at finding happiness. This is by no means exhaustive, but I’ll save the rest for another post.

1. Slow down! It’s very hard to notice anything going on around you when you’re running past it at the speed of light. Slowing down is both physical and mental. Whenever I feel myself getting caught up in a “rush” mode, I sit down, close my eyes, breathe slowly and deeply and focus on slowing my heartbeat down. This is not rocket science, but it works. Then I quietly consider the facts of my circumstances and consider my required responses to each one. I also spend time doing what is really important like quietly and slowly stroking my kid’s hair or looking into the eyes of my loved ones and taking time to hear and talk.
2. Wield your will. I will write many articles on the topic of will power. Many people believe that they are a victim of their physiology or circumstances. My experience with training and coaching thousands of people as well as my own personal life experience has taught me that we all have an invisible, non-physical, dare I say “supernatural” power that is separate from any physiological or psychological deficiencies that may ail you. I have seen people “will” themselves out of wheel chairs, out of depression, out of resentment, out of poverty, over a finish line, through a battlefield, out of an addictive habit etc. Your will is like a muscle that must be exercised. Start with small things that often get victory over you and one at a time exercise your will over that thing until you’ve beaten it. Then tackle the next thing. You will be amazed at what you are able to achieve as you wield this power.
3. List ALL the facts. Often we are stressed, fearful and depressed because we’re basing our reactions on a single list of negative evidence. We’re conditioned to do just that. This list is almost always only half the reality (or less), i.e. the list is not complete. So finish the list, whether in your head or on paper. Example: This week is going to be a terrible week because I’m not prepared for my presentation and my daughter is having headaches again. [This is what we usually do]. On the other hand, it’s going to be a GREAT week because I’m going to do my best for the presentation and whether I make the sale or not I’m going to meet some new contacts and learn a whole lot. I’m going to take my daughter to the doctor and get a little closer to finding out what’s causing the headaches, and maybe even solve the problem altogether. I’m also going to read a great book, spend quality time with my family on Thursday, see that DVD I’ve been wanting to see for ages and enjoy the spring blossoms in the garden. I’m healthy, clothed and alive and the world is full of great opportunities for me.
4. Observe. Look around and take in the wonder of life. There are great things happening all around you every day. Consider things you see in their detail. When you see a tree, don’t just see a green object – actually LOOK at the tree and see it in its wondrous detail along with the birds nesting in it and its shape and colour and fragrance. Sit down in a busy mall or street and watch the people walk by. Consider their lives and problems – you will quickly realize that your problems are not so great and that we’re all living through the same things. Look at your kids when they talk to you. Look at your lover and take them in, appreciating every molecule of the wonder that they are. When you actually SEE life you will begin to enjoy it more.
5. Turn your worry into faith. The definition of worry and faith is exactly the same: Believing that something will happen that hasn’t yet happened. The problem is we spend far more time worrying about possible problems than believing in possible solutions. Take everything you’re worried about and list them on paper. This alone is therapeutic. Once you have done that make another list with all the things you’re ‘believing’ for – this is faith. Energize your faith with hope (enthusiastic faith), and exercise your faith with the power of your will (practical faith).