Deon Barnard

There’s a cheesy but true cliché that goes, “If you don’t believe in yourself, nobody else will”. I have spent my entire life overcoming my inadequacies with self belief. Growing up as a child I had really bad acne – the kind that had other kids making jokes about the first moon on the man. I also had rounded shoulders from a scoliosis of the spine, snowy dandruff, no detectable biceps and I really sucked at ball sports like soccer, cricket and rugby, which had me aimlessly running around the field, missing passes and goals. I was always delighted when I got a glancing touch on the ball – even if I was just an obstacle in the way of a cannon-like boot from a team mate.

Despite all this I believed in myself – not in a spiritual, ‘God is on my side’ kind of way, but rather in a mathematical probability kind of way – the kind of way that had me reasoning that if I tried enough things I would finally find something I could do ‘better than average’. I ‘evolved’ through a process not too dissimilar to Darwin’s ‘Natural Selection’ whereby I gave up on the things I was clearly destined to fail at and applied more energy to the things I showed some promise for. In this process of elimination which probably started in about grade 4, I tried my hand at everything! I tried every track and field event that existed and found that although I sprinted about as fast as a giraffe running on well oiled ice, my long legs were a great advantage for hurdles, high jump, the 1500m run and the 3000m walking race for which I won a few Johannesburg boys records. I tried my hand at tumbling, ballet, choir, debating, drama, speech, rugby, soccer, cricket, chess, math & science contests, art contest and other activities – many of which I suffered humiliating failure at.

During this time of trial and error, and several embarrassing blunders I’d rather not remember, I was also finding myself, and realizing that my set of skills was unique, and that I didn’t need to be like anyone else or impress anyone else with something I was never going to be impressive with. I started to get a sense of my strengths and weaknesses and realized that I would have to use the weapons at my disposal to achieve success in my own life and not try and shoot with someone else’s gun. Today I consult… and train… and speak… and design… and cook and hundreds of other things because I still try everything in my quest to uncover all the hidden weapons in my arsenal. For everything I find I’m good at, there are five other things I suck at first – but if I don’t try I’ll never know.

I know that many people reading this article allow low self esteem to railroad their success and discovery. For you every failure is just another ’sign’ to give up and throw in the towel. Some people are looking for anything that will back up their opinion that they’re a failure. In my journey I have learned a few things about life I’d like to share in simple terms – I hope something speaks to you:

• If you don’t believe in yourself – no one else will – really!!!
• Most people give up just before they’re about to break through.
• Everyone is the best in the world at something.
• You can do anything – you just haven’t learned how yet.
• It’s OK to have enemies. If everyone likes you, something’s wrong.
• Help other people become great and your success will follow.
• Don’t EVER be scared to ask questions. Pretending to be clever is really dumb.
• Don’t rate your successes and failures by other people’s standards. You have to live your life – not them!
• Don’t tolerate people talking down to you or dismissing your potential. Stand up for yourself.
• Don’t live other people’s dreams – live your own.
• Don’t get freaked out when people tease or ridicule you about your inadequacies, it’s just their own self hatred manifesting. Don’t ever tease other people in this way – you’re poisoning yourself.
• Try everything once before you say you can’t or that you don’t ‘like’ it.
• Understand your limitations. Maximize your strengths.
• When you fail, get over it!!! Get up, and get going again.

The Christian Bible has a scripture that goes, “You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free”.

I find it ironic that this scripture is often wielded in defense of that religion or simply to make them feel justified about their ‘rightness’ – as though the random use of clichés makes anything you say more accurate or truthful… after all ‘All roads lead to Rome’ so… well I’m not sure but it makes me sound clever so I’ll go with it. That said, I have to admit that I love the statement from an Atheistic perspective – and I agree that as we start reasoning, thinking and enquiring, we do find the truth and we finally become free.

Free from what? Freedom suggests that we are enslaved to something in the first place – imprisoned – bound. Christians think they are free? What are they free from? – Apparently sin and eternal damnation. Let’s put aside for a minute the fact that most Christians disagree on which activities/thoughts/actions are “sins” and which are not, or that most Christians believe we’re born ’sinful’ whether we like it or not, despite never having ’sinned’ before birth. And let’s not even start looking at the absurd improbability of a place called Hell, let alone the fact that nobody can agree about what it looks like or who’s going there… What really is far more difficult for me to swallow is that Christians actually believe they have the monopoly on all things right and wrong – good and bad. A frequent response to my blogs and Facbook updates is, “How would we know what right and wrong is without religion?” Let’s take the set of ‘rules’ that are most commonly agreed upon – the Ten Commandments. Are you honestly trying to tell me you think the Israelites didn’t know that murder was ‘bad’ before they got the tablets from Moses? Do we think that without Christians preaching every Sunday the whole of humanity would go off on a murderous, raping, stealing spree of carnage and destruction? Have we forgotten that religion is so often the cause of this type of behavior and not the cure?

In exchange for promises of heaven and praising God forever (another absurd concept), we give up our freedom: Freedom to challenge nonsensical doctrines; Freedom to think private thoughts without being though-policed; Freedom to decide how we want to have sex; Freedom to do what we want on a Sunday; Freedom to consider the evidence and come to our own conclusions; Freedom to read what we want – hear what we want – watch what we want. Whatever truth Christians claim to ‘know’, it has not set them free at all – it has replaced real freedom with false promises, mind control and subservience. When I look at the Christian church, I don’t see freedom – I see millions of victims and a handful of opportunists who feed off the system. Don’t even get me started with the other religions. Religion has convinced billions of people that the life they live on earth is meaningless and arbitrary compared to the eternity they will spend in their respective ‘Heavens’ – so instead of recognizing the mind blowing significance of these 70 or so years and living life fully, they spend their time ‘denying’ the world and ‘preparing’ for the end – yet another absurd concept. Why would God punish or reward you for a gazillion years of eternity based on the decisions you made in 30 years on planet Earth? Who comes up with this stuff?!

If I have 70 years to live I’m going to live it as a free man! I will not be dictated to by the ever changing whims of religious groupings or fantastical myths. I will dedicate my life to making the world a great place for my kids and their kids – because that’s what I would have wanted my forefathers to do for me. I will resist all attempts to coerce me into relinquishing my free will for promises of life after death in a place that cannot be proven, tested or found. I will neither blame God, nor the Devil for any consequence of my own decision or any random event of nature. I will decide who I have sex with and how. I will decide what I look at, listen to, taste or touch. I will not allow my life and actions be reduced to a list of ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ to be judged by the self righteous. I will oppose mind control and oppression wherever I see it. This is freedom! Can you handle it?

“Success is 99 percent failure” – Soichiro Honda (Founder of Honda Motor Company).

We have all failed. We will all fail. These are undeniable truths. Most of your successes have come from how you’ve handled your failures. There are people who…

• fail and then believe they are ‘failures’ – triggering a cycle of failure in their lives.
• have suffered from some big failures and have thrown in the towel. They’re tired and have lost all hope for future success.
• deny their failures and shift the blame. These people never succeed because they never learn or grow.
• are scared of failing and so never try anything daring, anything risky, and anything big in their lives – just in case they fail in the attempt.
• believe it is a sin to fail. They have been trained to perform at all times and meet the expectations of someone else. This devolves into points 1 and 3 above.

Being scared of failure is about as clever as being afraid that you might be hit by a crashing plane on the way to work. If we keep thinking about it we’ll never leave home. In the case of the plane we push aside the fear by considering the how miniscule the probability is of that ever happening. In the case of failure we need to develop a sense of self esteem and adaptability. So what if I fail? I’ll try again, or I’ll try something else, or I’ll use the failure as a catalyst for a new plan of action.

I remember my first ever assembly as head boy. It was my role to assemble the 1000 or so students in the quadrangle and go through a list of general announcements while the teachers filed in from their morning staff meeting. I had my new flashy blazer on and a few natural stage-fright jitters. I took a deep breath and strode boldly onto stage to take my place behind the microphone at the podium. Just as my long clumsy legs approached the ’spotlight’, my size 12 feet swept up the microphone cable and in an instant I was falling like a giant redwood among the ruins of podium, mic and cables. In that instant I had to decide what to do with my failure. Would I lie there like a rabbit in the headlights or would I get up and acknowledge that I hadn’t made a great start to my year and get on with what had to be done. I got up and joined in the applause and laughter I was receiving from the crowd – told a joke – and carried on with the announcements. I had many failures that year, but in the end I think my season as head prefect was a successful one.

Anyone who claims never to have failed is either delusional or Superman, and even Superman fails a whole bunch in the new era of comics. So what do you do when you fail? Here are some suggestions for getting over failure and moving on to success:

• Assess the situation honestly. Ask yourself why you failed. Consider which of the reasons for your failure had to do with poor decisions and which were out of your control. Be honest. Ask the opinion of someone you trust to give you perspective.
• Learn from your mistakes! If you made a poor decision – acknowledge it – and decide how you might have done it better if you could do it again.
• Don’t wallow! There is no benefit in telling yourself what a loser you are, or sitting in a dark room drowning in misery and self pity. This attitude is a failure in itself! Get up. Call a friend. Talk about it. Get it out of your system. Move on!!
• Consider who you are. You are not the sum of your failures. You are so much more! You have talents, skills, passions, dreams, gifts and attributes that are unique in the world – in fact I believe that everyone is the best in the world at something – you may just need to find out what it is.
• Get back on the horse! Leave the past where it belongs and dare to try something else. Most great achievers suffered massive failures before they discovered their success.
• Put things in perspective. Many people think they have failed because they have been conditioned to see certain things as failures that are not. For example, a man is retrenched and finds himself unable to pay the bills for a few months. Is this failure? Not at all! He hardly needs to feel ‘guilty’ about circumstances out of his control. It can become failure if he gives up hope, sleeps all day and stops looking for new opportunities – but that’s a different story.
• Plan. To get over your failures you need to plan and strategize. What’s your next step? Write it down. Discuss it with a friend. Draw pictures. Make phone calls. Send emails. Get organized.

We might not always have direct control over our successes, but we certainly have control over how we handle our failures. When you fail – and you will most certainly fail at something – exercise your will and look to your success.

I have received a couple of requests to do an article about success. Is success dependant on hard work or is it all just chance? I spent some time thinking through these concepts and have developed a three colour theory on success. Firstly, we need to be on the same page with our use of the terms ‘Success’, ‘Hard Work’ and ‘Luck’ – all three of these terms have a huge number of applications and meanings. For the purpose of this article, here are the definitions:

Success = Achieving a personal goal to do, have or be something

Hard work = Application of personal energy, effort and time in the sense that it requires some degree of personal sacrifice or exertion.

Luck = Chance or random coincidence outside of your direct personal control, or if you insist – an act of God.

The definition of success here is the critical factor. Bashir, who asked me this question, used the following example: two people with similar backgrounds, with the same education and of the same cultural and language grouping are employed at the same time in a large company. After 5 years one of them has a middle management position and earns double the salary of the other who is still in a clerical position ‘at the bottom of the ladder’. What made the one more successful than the other?

My immediate question to Bashir is, “Who are we assuming to be the more ’successful’ of the two?” to which Bashir might reply, “Huh? The first of course! The one with the position and the money!!” And that’s exactly the problem with how we see success. If our personal goal is to make a million dollars, we tend to rate the success of everyone around us by that same goal, i.e. Carol hasn’t made a million dollars so she’s not as successful as Bruce. But according to my definition of “Achieving a personal goal”, Carol may be entirely successful at her goal of ironing the laundry for the day, and in Bashir’s example, the middle manager is only ’successful’ in the context of a personal goal that goes something like, “I want to be a manager and earn double my current income in the next five years”. For all we know, the clerical guy might be more successful if his personal goal was to have a simple 8 to 5 job with low responsibility and no take home work so that he could spend more time enjoying his wife and kids.

As you can see, answering the question ‘Is success hard work or luck?’ has a lot to do with what someone is trying to be successful AT. I propose that luck and hard work play different roles depending on the context of success. The rules change depending on what we’re talking about in the same way that Newtonian physics doesn’t seem to apply at a molecular level, for which we use a different set of rules which we call Quantum physics.

I propose three ‘contexts’ for success: The Red Zone, The Blue Zone, and the Twilight Zone.

In the Red Zone our success is entirely dependent on us doing something about it. Unless a bolt of lightning escapes the twilight zone to thwart our attempts at success, we will achieve our goal through at least some sweat and effort. Of course the whole notion of working ’smarter not harder’ can also apply here, but nevertheless, work is required. Examples of achieving Red Zone success are:

• Having a clean home. The dishes aren’t going to wash themselves no matter how lucky you are or how much God loves you.
• Becoming a novelist. You’re going to have to write a book to achieve this, there’s no getting around it.

In the Blue Zone our success is not entirely up to us, but it’s not entirely out of our influence either. In this zone our own efforts tend to improve our probability for success even if they don’t ensure it. Examples include:

• Recovering after a car accident injury. Our own desire to recover and subsequent interventions (hard work) will have a positive effect on the success of our recovery but we cannot determine the ultimate specifics of our recovery. There may be unknown neural or spinal complications outside of our control which have countering effects, thereby ‘lowering’ our chances of success.
• Getting employed. You can go to a job interview and say all the right things and wear the right clothes, but someone else decides if you’re the right candidate for the job. Performing well at the interview will ‘increase your chances’ for success but not guarantee your position.
• Winning the lotto. Even though the probabilities are almost entirely against this, success still requires human intervention in the form of buying a ticket. This is very close to Twilight zone success but still in the blue zone.

In the Twilight zone our success has (seemingly) nothing to do with our own efforts at all. At first glance it would seem that this type of success is entirely random or accidental. Examples include:

• Inheriting a fortune. You didn’t ask for it – you didn’t work for it – you just got born in the right place at the right time.
• Sudden death. You’re Donald Trump about to complete your latest hotel venture and your helicopter crashes to the ground or you’re struck by lightning. Not your choice, but you have to live with it… or die with it in this case.
• You get ‘found’ by a talent scout. There are millions of really beautiful girls in the world but some talent agent travels to Morocco and finds a village girl who he takes back to the US and turns into the world’s next big supermodel. Her beautiful friend is still collecting water from a dusty desert well. Hard work? I think not.

There are any number of theories that attempt to ‘explain’ the results of the twilight zone including God, a universal ‘force’, fate, karma, etc. but for the purposes of this article we will leave these ideas alone, except to agree that things happen to us that we don’t control.

These zones could be represented with two circles, the Red and Twilight zones, intersecting at the blue zone as in the diagram below:

Any personal goal or ambition we have will fall into one of these ‘zones’. Understanding which zone the goal is ‘in’ is important for understanding why we regularly fail or succeed in achieving those goals. For example, someone who constantly feels like a ‘failure’ in their job searching because they have a misplaced belief that they don’t need to ‘do’ anything except ‘wait on God’ might find themselves wondering why they never succeed. Job hunting is a Blue zone activity which becomes more inevitable the more effort/energy is applied to the search. Then again someone might spend days and days doing a rain dance in the Sahara in dry season and wonder why their ‘efforts’ are not being rewarded, i.e. attempting to increase twilight zone success. I will write more on these ideas in future articles.

I want to focus here on the Blue zone – an area that is not unlike a strategic war game, where regular good tactics usually overcome the ups and downs of bad dice rolling. My sense (untested at this point) is that some people are more skilled at understanding the probabilities at play in their success and the ingredients required for managing those probabilities and improving their chances at success. So let’s consider Bashir’s question about the middle manager and the clerk. I will assume that the two people in question had a similar personal goal – to get promoted in the company and earn lots of money – one succeeded and the other ‘failed’. This goal is clearly a Blue zone goal: their success, although not entirely in their own hands, will be influenced by various factors (I’ll use the term ingredients) including attitude, communication skills, work hours, problem solving and other personal sacrifices or efforts by the individuals involved.

Here are some of the ingredients I believe increase the probability of success:

• Perseverance: Often the probabilities increase simply because, in time, the competition moves out or moves on, leaving you in a better position to “fill the gap”. Giving up too soon negates this principle.
• Knowledge: This increases your ability to apply your efforts wisely and play a more tactical war game. Reading and practice are critical here.
• Resources: It goes without saying that many probability reducers go away when you throw a little money at them.
• Self belief: Low self esteem is sure to lower your chances at success. Self belief influences every thought and action of your life.
• Courage: The ability to suppress terror and take action despite fear of loss, rejection, humiliation, conflict etc. is a key ingredient for success.
• Relationships: Developing a strong network of allies will weigh the dice in your favour.
• Communication: You’re more likely to attract the resources and people you need for success if you have good communication skills. People also take you more seriously.

These are just a few ingredients for improving your odds in the Blue zone. Of course all the luck in the world won’t help you if you throw double 1’s, or a bolt of lightning leaves the twilight zone and zaps you, but because we have no control over these mishaps of luck it makes sense to apply your efforts to improving your odds until success becomes inevitable.

My good friend Basil suggested that the Blue zone is where the good stuff happens – the creative stuff – the innovations. I agree with him. I think we’ve all been zapped by a few unexpected ‘acts of god’ in our lives, and when that happens we tend to be scared of going too close to the twilight zone and prefer to scuttle around in the Red zone where things are entirely predictable and ‘risk free’. You may find that your ‘impossible dreams’ are not so improbable when you start applying some of the ingredients I have suggested. Remember, to win the lotto you have to buy a ticket – and although I don’t respect gambling because of the insane odds, I think some of the so called ‘risks’ we’re so afraid to take have very respectable odds when it’s all broken down.

Please send your comments. I’m especially interested to hear what you think are the factors that influence the odds in the Blue zone.

At about age 35 (or thereabouts) you start to see the world differently; you don’t feel any different in your core personality, but you’ve banged your head enough times and been dealt enough crappy cards to start questioning a few things and even start regretting some of the decisions of your youth – in a word you grow up. Ok, so that’s two words… Melancholics!

One of the things that changed for me was that I finally realized I wasn’t Superman. Yes, I used to believe I could jump tall buildings in a single bound, and almost could; or win every argument through sheer force of character, without knowledge; or cure cancer, in Jesus name! Now I’m happy if I can get through a day without taking Voltaren for my back or finding a letter from a creditor in the post box. Things aren’t as simple now as they were at age 18, and although that doesn’t make life any less worth living, it does sometimes make me wish I could go back in time and give myself some advice or at least a klap across the head. So here are some of the things I would tell myself – some of them I worked out early on my own and others… well, I wish I had.

1.    Travel. There is a huge difference between those that have left the caves of their miniscule existence in their home, their suburb, their local McDonalds, and those who haven’t. People who travel develop a balanced world view and a level of tolerance that you don’t find in insular communities.

2.    Get a degree. It really doesn’t matter what degree, just do the three to five years required to get the certificate. This develops the habit for reading and study in your adult years, but most importantly it opens vital career opportunities. On the flip side if you’re well into your twenties or more and don’t have a degree then start one now – it’s never too late.

3.    Learn how to use a computer. I can’t stress this enough. It won’t be long before most of our activities are virtual. You need to enter the working world with I.T. competency – right now that means knowing your way around Microsoft Office and the Internet as a minimum standard.

4.    Turn off the TV. Read my two articles on the matter. ‘Nuff said.

5.    Learn about accounting and tax. Whether you’re going to spontaneously launch your own small business or just keep your personal affairs in order, you’re going to need to know how these things work. Save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache and learn this young!

6.    Think twice about getting married young… or even at all. Sure, society has been promoting this way of life since the beginning of time, but the facts are overwhelming against marital success, especially for those who marry young. I know the religious among us gasp in astonishment at this notion, but let them gasp, and you live your life with your eyes wide open. Love because you want to love, not because you’re looking to find a slave you can control forever, or become a slave to a religious or legal contract. Love, intimacy and commitment have nothing to do with contracts. If you are married, chill – I’m not speaking a death sentence over your relationship, but many of you, if you were honest enough to admit it, would agree that it may not have been the best idea ever.

7.    Have sex. If you have a (consensual) lover or spouse, don’t deny each other; pleasure each other; give each other plenty of orgasms; spend tons of time being naked together; and liberate your sexuality. Society in general and religion in particular make us deny our sexuality, relegating it to embarrassing conversations in private corners; or dingy downtown porn shops; or to the purpose of procreation alone (in the missionary position of course). This is insane! People who don’t have regular sex are usually miserable and uptight. Be safe of course!

8.    Live according to your means. I see thousands of young people living someone else’s dream for their lives, which generally involves buying a house in a suburb; and a luxury car; and a swimming pool; and the latest in technology; and… and… and! If you want to be an artist then you should go ahead and pursue your dream, but understand that it will mean being real about how you live and what you have. At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter if you’re living in a one bedroom flat in the middle of the city if you’re doing what you’re passionate about. You can always swim in someone else’s pool.

9.    Learn another language. The joke goes, “What do you call someone who speaks three languages?” (Trilingual), “Good, and what do you call someone who speaks two languages?” (Bilingual), “Good, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?” (American). One of the most useful things you will ever do is learn another language. It will open your mind and improve your capacity for understanding the world you live.

10.    Don’t always follow the rules. Some rules make sense and following them is wisdom. Some rules make no sense at all and are designed to control you or keep you from inconveniencing someone else at your expense. Some rules have been there for hundreds of years and no one can remember who made them or why we’re still following them. Some rules are worthy and yet at times it is still wisdom to break them for a worthier purpose. Question the rules you live by, ask yourself why they’re there and whether those reasons make sense. The greatest men (and women) in history became great because they broke a rule, not because they were sheep who blindly followed. See my article on being a salmon, not a sheep. There are worse things in life than getting into trouble – living without passion is one of them.

Hmmm… I think this needs another post.

Do yourself a favor and spend a few hours sitting at a busy intersection in a mall or a market, and watch the people pass by. Notice all the trends as they roll past like waves. The hairstyles, the clothing, the stuff people buy and the food people eat. These are the superficial things of course, but look deeper; consider how sheep-like we have all become in so many areas of our lives. I am horrified when I talk to intelligent, educated people who view the world with the same arrogance as the Romans or the Byzantines did, as though there culture or religion somehow makes them superior to all the other “barbarian” people that infest the earth; and yet these same people don’t seem to recognize the fact that they’re just behaving and thinking in the way they were trained to do since birth – just like everyone else. Anyone that voices an opinion contrary to the bleating of the masses is immediately criticized and demonized for their views by people who don’t seem to have any original views of their own. Anyone that chooses an unpopular career, academic, religious, spiritual, sexual or social path is frowned upon by a mass of anemic white sheep, many of which, no doubt, wish that they had the courage to be true to themselves too, if only they had an idea of who they really are in the first place.

I spoke to a shepherd of sheep, or possibly just a really big sheep, some time back and we were talking about what we would do if we had the power to change the world; his response was that he would institute world peace. He said that if everyone just followed the rules and got on with their jobs and families there would be no more war and the world would be a happy place. I’m sure my jaw dropped at the astounding illogic of his argument. I said, “Ok, whose rules would we have to follow?” He said, “All the normal rules and laws of state and Christianity.” I said, “Well why not institute the laws of Iran and Islam? I’m sure they think if everyone just fell in line with their way, the world would be a better place too.” Our conversation went back and forth for some time, but I realized that while someone thinks that their view is ‘morally’ superior and backed by their community, they seldom allow themselves the opportunity to see things from a different perspective – their paradigms are set.

Why are people so terrified of someone who does things differently? Is it because they’re unpredictable? There are those who think, “OK, you’re not part of my system, but tell me which system you are part of so I know which box to put you into.” When people ask me which church I go to and I say “none”, and then they ask if I’m a Christian and I say “no”, and then they ask what religion I am and I say “none”, they seem to take personal offense to it, as though somehow my views on God and religion will contaminate theirs; they look for some psychological problem because of course I must be hurt or in need of fixing if I don’t share their views. To try and convince them that I’m happy and free is an impossible task because their paradigm simply can’t reconcile the information; instead they must change me, they must convince me to return to the flock so that… they can sleep better or something. Sheep just don’t do salmon. I wonder how many Christians would remain Christian if the overwhelming majority of their churches converted to Shinto, or how many Muslims would remain Muslim if all but a handful converted to Christianity… just a thought. Someone recently told me that I have “retreated” into Atheism – I laughed out loud when I read it, firstly because I’m not really an Atheist, but mainly because Atheism is certainly no “retreat” in the third most churched country in the world – Atheism is the wrong end of a firing squad. I admire Atheists in the world of WASPs.

Of course sheepism and salmonism doesn’t apply only to religion, but all aspects of life and world view, although certainly religion influences all aspects of life. It applies to education, choice of career, the way we deal with money, kids, health, technology, cars, homes etc. Please note that being peace-loving and gentle doesn’t make you a sheep by default, nor does being aggressive and contrary make you a salmon. A salmon in the context of this article is someone who has questioned their own views and paradigms; who has crossed the line and engaged with people of other cultures and beliefs with a desire to understand and learn; who has wrestled with the texts of their culture that set out the rules; who has withheld judgment and listened to the enemy; and who has formulated their own opinion with no regard to its acceptability to anyone else. Here are some questions that sheep and salmon ask themselves:

Sheep ask

• Will my pastor agree with me?
• Will my parents agree with me?
• Will my friends agree with me?
• Will I be rejected?
• Will I be humiliated?
• Will I be punished?
• Will I get into trouble?
• Is everyone pleased with me?

Salmon ask

• Is it true?
• Is it real?
• Is it valid?
• Is it important?
• Is it necessary?
• Is it harmful?
• Do I understand it?
• Am I being true to myself?

Are you a Sheep or a Salmon?

Despite the many stresses in my life: recent divorce; training slowdown; alienation from most of my Christian friends; the prospect of my kids moving to another city; and 20 years of back pain; I am insanely optimistic about life! This is partly because I was blessed with Sanguine genetics, and partly because I revel in the glory of life. There is beauty and greatness and wonder everywhere; and from time to time I even meet some decent people. Here are some of the things that make life great for me; they’re simple things and personal to me, but I hope they make someone relook at their life with a sense of balance and renewed interest. So, in no particular order:

1. McMuffin McMeal breakfasts

“But they make you fat” – what…ever!! Heaven on a English muffin, and McD’s make a great cappuccino.

2. Camping with my kids

There’s nothing better in this world for me. Collecting wood with the boys for evening campfires; hiking through the bush; lunches at waterfalls; braai’d marshmallows; catching frogs and worms for fishing; whittling walking sticks; and fire-baked bread.

3. Tabletop war games

I’ve been playing complex tabletop war games for about 8 years now, mostly Warhammer, a hobby that involves assembling and painting miniature soldiers, and then warring against an opponent on miniature lifelike terrain using tape measures, handfuls of dice and hundreds of pages of intricate rules. It appeals to my whole personality and is an outlet for so many of my interests and passions: creativity; warfare; history; statistics; strategy; mathematics; fantasy; competition; and not least of all, beers and laughter with friends.

4. Music

I couldn’t live without music. I’m always singing a song in my head and tapping out rhythms on every surface I pass. Whenever I walk into a shop or a mall I’m always instantly aware of what’s playing behind the noise of the crowd. I might be walking with a friend and tell them, “I haven’t heard this song for years” and their response is, “what song?” because they haven’t even noticed the music yet in the noise of the crowd. I had a band in Durban some years back and if I had the space now I’d start another. I often get lost in a song while driving and end up travelling 10km past my destination. I’m currently listening to Muse, Killers, Evanescence, Live and Pink Floyd. Music heals me and gives me a place to express all the emotion that is so ‘unacceptable’ in polite society.

5. Cigars, whisky and leather couches

If I’m thinking of a night out, I look for a Karaoke bar (see previous point) or a cigar lounge. I can spend many hours with a long cigar and a good scotch on a luxurious leather couch with a close friend and a philosophical point to ponder. Unfortunately I don’t seem to have too many friends who share this notion or even know what it looks like, but that just gives me another bucket list goal – to start a cigar club; I’ll call it Plato’s pit.

6. Training

Not many people can put their jobs on a list of favourite things to do, but I get to earn a living doing the thing I love most – teaching; motivating; inspiring; encouraging; and challenging people. Through all the changes and career shifts of my life, this one thing has been constant. As a missionary, I trained. As a pastor, I trained. As an IT manager, I trained. As a school teacher, I trained. I finally worked what I was and started calling myself a trainer.

7. Sex

One of the most negative effects of religion in society is that it demonizes sex. Possibly the most glorious expression of beauty and love and pleasure known to man has been reduced to some sort of secret activity that shouldn’t be discussed or thought about outside of the narrow requirements of a particular religion, sect or societal norm. People who think about sex “too much” are labeled “perverts” and have a “problem” – gimme a break! The vast majority of men are thinking about sex all the time, because it’s great! Anyway, enough ranting from me; I’ll write another article on the subject, but needless to say, sex is one of those things that make my life great!

8. Technology

If it’s got buttons, microchips, software, lights or makes noise – I love it! I live in a great era where technology doubles in the world every couple of years – wow – and because of my intuitive relationship with all things IT, I get to have tons of fun and learn new things every day.

9. Cooking (and eating)

I’m always surprised by people (especially moms) who throw baked beans on toast for supper because they feel “uninspired” about cooking a meal. For these folk cooking has become a necessary chore and food is nothing more than fuel to keep the family running. I have never felt that way about cooking – even when I’m doing it every day. Cooking is an opportunity to stretch the right brain daily and at the end of it you get to eat cool stuff too, what could be better? It’s like finger painting with ingredients! I get hungry just thinking about it: coconut curries; tomato pastas; vegetable bakes; stuffed Hungarian cabbage rolls; sticky sweet chicken breasts; creamy Greek salads… sigh.

There you go. Let me know what gives your lives meaning.

If you’ve read my article ‘3 reasons to turn off the TV’ then you know that I don’t watch much TV, in fact if I’ve watched 10 episodes of anything this whole year it’s a lot. I do however love movies. I try watching them on the big screen where possible so as not to miss out on all the size and sound as envisioned by the directors and producers. I love movies for many reasons; firstly because I’m a story teller myself, and messages are often easier to accept when you’re looking at them portrayed in the lives of others rather than being directly preached at. As with T.V. there is a pile of mindless nonsense being spewed out of Hollywood, Nollywood and Bollywood, but every so often something powerful, meaningful or true comes along that moves my heart and quite literally changes my mind or life in the process. These are not movies designed for the entertainment value of explosions or high speed car chases alone, but rather movies that say something about the human condition in a special way. I’ll start with five movies, and if there’s a request for more I’ll do another article. Maybe you enjoyed these as much as I did:

The Village (M.Night Shayamalin: starring Joaquin Phoenix, William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver)

I think anything by Shayamalin is brilliant. His stories twist and turn and leave you with a sense of, “hmm, not quite what I expected, but wow!” This is not a horror despite the picture they used to advertise with. The Village is a wonderful story about how humans come together to form safe and loving communities but then fall into the trap of control and deception. It looks at censorship, leadership, culture, society, religion and a host of other human traits like courage and love. Shayamalin casts all his movies superbly.

Michael Collins (Neil Jordan: starring Liam Neeson, Aidan Quinn and Julia Roberts)

This movie inspired me! It is an historical look (back to 1920) at the early days of the Irish Republican Army (IRA) and one of its leader’s, Michael Collins (played by Liam Neeson who instantly became one of my favorite actors). I was particularly impressed with how effectively this man organized and communicated to an underground resistance army almost entirely without the use of technology using a small group structure. As with all movies of this type (Brave heart, Rob Roy etc.), I was also moved by his personal bravery and determination.

Taare Zameen Par (Aamir Khan: starring Aamir Khan and Darsheel Safary)

I had not seen many Bollywood movies and incorrectly assumed they were all musical action-love stories with repetitive plots – boy was I wrong!! Every time I see this movie I cry my eyes out. It is a moving story (brilliantly acted) about a boy with dyslexia (and possibly HDD) who is misunderstood by everyone at school and at home and finally, on the brink of suicide, is rescued by an incredible (and also dyslexic) teacher. There are so many kids in this type of situation today – this movie should be mandatory viewing for all parents and teachers. A must see.

The Matrix (Andy & Larry Wachowski: starring Keanu Reaves and Laurence Fishburne)

Don’t watch this movie for the great acting, because there is none. I loved this movie because it was a revolution in the way movies did special effects, but most importantly it was the first movie that really tackled the question, “What if everything we know is wrong?” It also stirs up philosophical questions like, “Can we be sure that what our senses tell us is true?” and presents the concept of an ‘online’ existence separate from our physical self, which we’re now starting to see with apps like 2^nd Life.

Luther (Eric Till: starring Joseph Fiennes)

The dramatic story of the German priest, Martin Luther (date 1520), who all but single handedly stood against the Roman Catholic Church which ruled the western world through fear and manipulation. His actions resulted in the formation of the Protestant Church and eventually led to political reforms that have changed the world forever. I was deeply moved by his conviction and bravery. There are many other themes that come through in this movie like how one group can see the actions of a man as divisive rebellion and another group sees those same actions as positive reform – often only time can tell.

What movies changed your life? Leave comments!

We live noisy, demanding, stressful, complicated lives – and most of it is our own fault. Let’s start with demands on our time. The phenomenal explosion of communication technologies in the last 50 years has radically changed the way human beings do life. One hundred years ago if you wanted to do business with someone in another country you may have sent a proposal, having written it in ink, on paper, and sent it via a long and slow system of horseback courier, ship and train. You might have expected to receive a response after a month, and then business would only get started a year later. During the times of waiting you might be chilling on your farm and considering the state of your crops. Today you can send a proposal instantly, to multiple parties, via e-mail, sms and social networks and get a response within minutes or even seconds. If you’re a day too late, someone else gets the job. Most of us are involved in multiple conversations with multitudes of people across a variety of networks around the world – all the time! We’re maintaining jobs; relationships; Facebook, Twitter and My Space profiles; hobbies; families; gym memberships; brainwashing sessions church attendance; and the list goes on.

On top of the social demands on our time (virtual and otherwise), we complicate things further with possessions. We collect stuff: DVDs; books; clothes; ornaments; gadgets; cars; phones; computers; pets; toys; and a list of other things we accumulate for purposes nobody can fathom. Then because we’ve got the stuff, we feel obliged to protect it with all our might, so we get it all insured and hire someone to babysit all the crap when we go on holiday. We’re constantly multitasking, but never really doing any one thing properly. We go to a friend’s home for dinner only to spend half the time on the phone with someone who is not even present. We eat fast foods and add health issues to our list of challenges. We get involved in organizations that manipulate our time and resources towards their own ends. We waste precious recovery hours in front of the television and yet never seem to recover. We run to doctors, therapists, religion, diets and supplements to find relief – but they just add to the complication.

Is it any wonder that we’re exhausted, stressed and depressed? It’s time to uncomplicated your life! So here are (you guessed it) three tips (I may have been Baptist in a previous life) for achieving a simpler life.

1. Stop buying stuff!!

You really don’t need it. Buying things might make you happy for about three minutes and afterwards you’ll be left with a hole in your pocket and a hole in your heart. You cannot spend your way to happiness. In fact, it may be time for you to assess all the crap you own and start giving stuff away. Your kids probably have enough toys to support a small village in Africa. All those books you own that you’ll never read, or never read again, can be given to someone who will read them. Get rid of your duplicate stuff. Make space in your home and simplify your lifestyle. Get rid of those old hi-fi systems and irons that don’t work. Stop buying pets! Animals are not grateful for the confinement of your home, and the irresponsible breeding of animals won’t cease until people stop buying them.

2. Learn how to use technology

You might be asking, “Huh?” I am a firm believer that skilled use of good technology can simplify your life and save hours of time. The reason computers can seem like time wasters is because people don’t understand them and aren’t familiar with the software they’re using. A small investment of a few hours or days learning how to use your computer properly will make you ten times more effective in the long run. You need to know how to use at least these tools at an intermediate level:

• Microsoft Office: specifically Word, Excel, PowerPoint and Outlook
• PDF: how to read and create PDF files
• Email: Outlook as well as alternative apps like Outlook express, Hotmail, Gmail, Thunderbird
• Graphics: How to find, view, download, capture and edit pictures inside apps like Word as well as more advanced apps like Photoshop and Fireworks
• Browsing: How to find exactly what you’re looking for on the web in less than 20 seconds
• Social Networking: get yourself set up on Facebook, Twitter and other social networks and improve your online savvy
• Messaging software: email is on the decline – use instant messaging to communicate with clients, family and friends on the fly like Skype, MS Messenger or Google Talk

3. Slow down

A lot of our busyness is nothing more than frenetic energy. We’re so used to moving and talking all the time that we feel uncomfortable just being quiet. I enjoy a cigar and a scotch under the tree in my garden in the late afternoon. During these times of stillness I consider my life and my opportunities and my relationships. I listen to the sound of birds and crickets in the grass and I fill my spirit with the wonder of life that is so easily stolen in the carnage of the day. I also believe in holidays. Everyone has to get out of the city as often as they can and soak up the calm and healing splendor of the country. One of my favorite hobbies is fishing, and although I have to admit that I seldom catch any, I love sitting for hours on the banks of a river or the shore of the sea and just being… quiet. Bring on December!

We live in a time where a vast universe of drugs and supplements are easily available for the upkeep of our health. We live in a time of over-the-counter cures for almost any ailment; a time where patients are able to diagnose their problems just as accurately as their GPs; and nothing is impossible in the realm of plastic surgery and physical makeovers. It is now fashionable to be a green; fat-free; smoothie-drinking; vegan. So why is nobody healthy?

Despite our chemical, surgical and neurological wizardry, I see thousands of unhealthy people around me every day, young people, even kids complaining about back aches, headaches, neck aches, leg aches, nausea, tiredness and so on. Could we be missing the real cause of these problems? Sure, sitting bent over a computer for 8 hours a day is going to have an impact on your general state of health, and sitting staring at TV all night is not improving the situation much, but I believe we’re not tackling the real problem. There is a cure, an instrument of great healing that does not require surgery, medication or gym membership. It is a three letter word.

Joy.

We have lost our Joy. It is scientifically proven that happy people are healthier people. Happiness results in a release of chemicals that bring recovery and healing. Stress and depression release chemicals that result in inflammation and other nasty long term effects. Unhappy people are much more prone to developing diabetes, cancer, heart disease and other nightmarish problems. It is easy to recognize the positive effects of happiness in your own life by considering how great you feel after laughing so hard that you want to pee, or hearing that you’re not actually in trouble when you thought you were, or lying in spiritual bliss after a mind blowing orgasm…

The obvious question then is, “how do we get happy?” Don’t be fooled into thinking that my above examples of ‘feeling happy’ are the method for finding long term happiness. I merely use these as examples of the powerful chemical effect that even temporary joy can have on your life. By their very nature these things will give you an instant rush of the good stuff and then (if you have no real joy in your life to start with) will drop you like a sack of potatoes – kinda like the sugar rush my son experiences after a monster piece of double-death-by-chocolate-mouse-cake that has him bouncing around like a bionic gummi bear for 40 minutes, then leaving him in a pile of morbid, energy-deficient uselessness for the rest of the day. What we all need is to find that constant joy that works like low GI bread and keeps you at optimal health and happiness all the time. Here’s how:

1. Make a conscious choice to stop being fearful. Write a list of all the things you’re worried about or that scare you, then one at a time, preferably with the support of someone you trust, face each of your fears and overcome them. This may take months or years, but you’ll be getting healthier with each victory.
2. Uncover your dream. What do you want for your future? Go deep – yeah sure you want a new handbag or new car, but how do you want to make a difference and impact your world? Write it down, draw pictures, cut out magazines and make a collage of your potential future and then look at it every day, willing yourself toward it. It’s hard to be depressed while you’re living your dream. (If you need help with this, invite me for a seminar or workshop)
3. Get honest about your baggage! What’s holding you down in your life? It could be a person (or people), a job, an attitude, a time waster, an addiction etc. Identify the thing, stare it in the face, make plans to get rid of it – then chuck it! You’ll never be happy if you’re a slave to someone (or something) else’s expectations of who or what you should be.
4. Love. Allow yourself to love people. Anyone. Everyone. I’m not proposing that you do whatever others tell you to do (that becomes baggage); or that you believe everything you hear (because most of what you hear will be rubbish); or that you don’t recognize evil, stupidity and deceit when you see it. What I’m saying is, open your heart to people. Withhold judgment. Associate with people who are poorer than you, richer than you, speak a different language or have a different skin colour.

I’m sure there are many other things that will improve your long term happiness quotient but my suggestions will certainly get you on the right path.

Have a look at these articles on the link between happiness and health

• reuters
• realage
• futurity