Deon Barnard

I’m writing this under a tree in a field somewhere between Caledon and Swellendam in the Western Cape of South Africa. It has been some time since I wrote on my blog and I’ve been promising a few articles over the holiday season. I thought I’d start the blogging frenzy off by looking back at 2010 and working out how I feel about the past year of my life.

I was unmarried for the whole of 2010, having finalised my divorce in December 2009. This fact made it a very different and interesting year for me. It has certainly been the least confrontational and most peaceful year I’ve had in over thirteen. It has been a year of consolidation and even recovery in a way. For an entire year I’ve come home to smiles and calm, and looked forward to the sanctity of my castle on the hill… which it almost is, having the best view of Johannesburg possible! I have spent many nights this year looking over the world below and contemplating the mysteries of life with a good scotch and a cigar or pipe, feeling a little like Gandalf or Bilbo Baggins.

The reason for the peace at home is a most wonderful specimen of woman called Heather, who has lived with me in my castle all year. I have never met a more understanding, unflusterable, kind-hearted human in all my life. We talk together, walk together, cook together, read together, dance together, camp together and share pretty much everything without stress or defence or score keeping or the need to control. This alone could make life almost perfect, but there’s more. We’ve actively reawakened our youth together. We’ve visited interesting venues, clubs and restaurants. We’ve read important books. We’ve mixed fantastic cocktails and shooters. We’ve investigated and invested in our sexuality. We’ve made home together. We’ve explored rustic camp sites. We’ve created new gourmet recipes. We’ve nurtured our kids together. We’ve walked away from religion and established a wonderful group of friends together.

This year was also the launch of my blog (the one you’re reading); Rumble in the Pub (a philosophical discussion group that meets in a pub); and Primordial Soup (a podcast of interest to Atheists and Secular Freethinkers). Many of these activities have overflowed onto Facebook or vice versa resulting in a year of passionate debates and discussions on very stimulating topics and holy cows. I’ve been branded a Satanist and a cult leader on several occasions, despite the fact that I’m sure Satan does not exist and I have no ‘followers’ and preach no mysterious ‘doctrine’. I have offended hundreds of people by asking uncomfortable questions about religion and highlighting the scientific improbability of Gods and Pink Unicorns. I have read Dawkins, Harris, Sagan and Hitchens this year and dived wholeheartedly into scientific enquiry and philosophical thought experiment.

This has also been a year for physical recovery. I started the year hardly able to walk. My sciatic nerve was pinched, and combined with poor fitness and the shortest hamstrings in the galaxy, I could only tolerate standing for five minutes at a time. In desperation I visited a Biokineticist for three months, once a week, who stretched my legs and back until at times I felt I would snap in half, until finally I had mobility again. I also started wall climbing which instantly became my favourite sport ever. The combination of stretching and building physical strength has restored me to be able to run and hike and stand and walk for hours and hours again. If there was a God I’d probably thank him… but as it is I’m just extremely pleased J.

On the down side (there’s always a down side), my ex wife moved to Natal with my children. Finances and distance has resulted in me not seeing them nearly as much as I want to. The times I’ve had with them have been special and precious, but I’ve missed out on a bunch of the good stuff, the daily gems of life. There are times when this overwhelms me with sadness and I have to stop myself crying out loud in random public places. I also know that they have a good life, both in Natal with their mom and here with me, and they’re growing into fantastic, and I deeply hope, rational human beings. I’m hoping to remedy the time issue this year, but it will be a challenge.

This has been an enormously busy year with many personal and public events taking place. I helped organise a 20 year matric reunion which was a roaring success in November. South Africa hosted the Fifa world cup football event in July (I attended the France/Mexico game in Polokwane with my boys). I hosted a rocking fancy dress birthday party in November. Heather and I moved into our home on the hill in May. We both started new Jobs early in the year. We went camping in February in Amanzimtoti, and October in Nottingham Road. We hosted a Rumble in the Midlands in December at the same Nottingham Road camp site. And the list goes on and on.

All in all I’d have to call 2010 a watershed year. A year of rebirth and success. A year of writing and reading. A year of friendships and discovery. A year of sex and wonder. A year of food and drink. A year of health and prosperity. If 2011 is even half as good as 2010 I say, “Bring it on!!”

Despite the many stresses in my life: recent divorce; training slowdown; alienation from most of my Christian friends; the prospect of my kids moving to another city; and 20 years of back pain; I am insanely optimistic about life! This is partly because I was blessed with Sanguine genetics, and partly because I revel in the glory of life. There is beauty and greatness and wonder everywhere; and from time to time I even meet some decent people. Here are some of the things that make life great for me; they’re simple things and personal to me, but I hope they make someone relook at their life with a sense of balance and renewed interest. So, in no particular order:

1. McMuffin McMeal breakfasts

“But they make you fat” – what…ever!! Heaven on a English muffin, and McD’s make a great cappuccino.

2. Camping with my kids

There’s nothing better in this world for me. Collecting wood with the boys for evening campfires; hiking through the bush; lunches at waterfalls; braai’d marshmallows; catching frogs and worms for fishing; whittling walking sticks; and fire-baked bread.

3. Tabletop war games

I’ve been playing complex tabletop war games for about 8 years now, mostly Warhammer, a hobby that involves assembling and painting miniature soldiers, and then warring against an opponent on miniature lifelike terrain using tape measures, handfuls of dice and hundreds of pages of intricate rules. It appeals to my whole personality and is an outlet for so many of my interests and passions: creativity; warfare; history; statistics; strategy; mathematics; fantasy; competition; and not least of all, beers and laughter with friends.

4. Music

I couldn’t live without music. I’m always singing a song in my head and tapping out rhythms on every surface I pass. Whenever I walk into a shop or a mall I’m always instantly aware of what’s playing behind the noise of the crowd. I might be walking with a friend and tell them, “I haven’t heard this song for years” and their response is, “what song?” because they haven’t even noticed the music yet in the noise of the crowd. I had a band in Durban some years back and if I had the space now I’d start another. I often get lost in a song while driving and end up travelling 10km past my destination. I’m currently listening to Muse, Killers, Evanescence, Live and Pink Floyd. Music heals me and gives me a place to express all the emotion that is so ‘unacceptable’ in polite society.

5. Cigars, whisky and leather couches

If I’m thinking of a night out, I look for a Karaoke bar (see previous point) or a cigar lounge. I can spend many hours with a long cigar and a good scotch on a luxurious leather couch with a close friend and a philosophical point to ponder. Unfortunately I don’t seem to have too many friends who share this notion or even know what it looks like, but that just gives me another bucket list goal – to start a cigar club; I’ll call it Plato’s pit.

6. Training

Not many people can put their jobs on a list of favourite things to do, but I get to earn a living doing the thing I love most – teaching; motivating; inspiring; encouraging; and challenging people. Through all the changes and career shifts of my life, this one thing has been constant. As a missionary, I trained. As a pastor, I trained. As an IT manager, I trained. As a school teacher, I trained. I finally worked what I was and started calling myself a trainer.

7. Sex

One of the most negative effects of religion in society is that it demonizes sex. Possibly the most glorious expression of beauty and love and pleasure known to man has been reduced to some sort of secret activity that shouldn’t be discussed or thought about outside of the narrow requirements of a particular religion, sect or societal norm. People who think about sex “too much” are labeled “perverts” and have a “problem” – gimme a break! The vast majority of men are thinking about sex all the time, because it’s great! Anyway, enough ranting from me; I’ll write another article on the subject, but needless to say, sex is one of those things that make my life great!

8. Technology

If it’s got buttons, microchips, software, lights or makes noise – I love it! I live in a great era where technology doubles in the world every couple of years – wow – and because of my intuitive relationship with all things IT, I get to have tons of fun and learn new things every day.

9. Cooking (and eating)

I’m always surprised by people (especially moms) who throw baked beans on toast for supper because they feel “uninspired” about cooking a meal. For these folk cooking has become a necessary chore and food is nothing more than fuel to keep the family running. I have never felt that way about cooking – even when I’m doing it every day. Cooking is an opportunity to stretch the right brain daily and at the end of it you get to eat cool stuff too, what could be better? It’s like finger painting with ingredients! I get hungry just thinking about it: coconut curries; tomato pastas; vegetable bakes; stuffed Hungarian cabbage rolls; sticky sweet chicken breasts; creamy Greek salads… sigh.

There you go. Let me know what gives your lives meaning.

Let’s face it – parents are overworked and overstressed and don’t have tons of creative energy to come up with interesting things to do with their kids. I know the feeling! Sometimes we just need a little push in the right direction to wake us up from our boredom and repetition. Here some things you can try with your kids, and although they may not all be a hit for every child, your kids will appreciate the change of scenery and the personal interaction with you. This is not rocket science, just simple and fun things to do.

1. Build fortresses

This is a great creative activity and works especially well for boys. You will need to collect a bunch of odds and ends like: nails; wire; glue; cardboard; elastic bands; bits of metal and wood; tins of various sizes; paints; and those great pieces of polystyrene packaging that surround appliances which look like fortresses just waiting to be cut and painted! Then dive in and start building. Turn tins into towers and cardboard and string into draw bridges with chains. Make moats and elevators and stairways. Just let the imagination flow. Add to the fortresses those cheap plastic world war two soldiers and your kids will have hours of fun.

2. Build a race car game

Get a big sheet of cardboard or paper and draw a grand prix style track. Intersect the track with lines every 5cm or so. Then either use small toy cars or cut out little cardboard car shapes and paint the each one a different color. You will need a dice. Each member of the family chooses a car and places it on the starting section. Then race around the track by rolling the dice in turn. You can add your own rules like: 6′s roll again; 1′s miss a turn; etc. Have a statistics sheet and record each game’s positions, working out averages, best ‘times’ etc. I have had hours of fun and laughter doing this with my kids. They keep upgrading the track and the cars and the rules with each game.

3. Go to the zoo

Kids absolutely love animals, and city kids seldom get to go see them live, so book a Saturday at the zoo. When you get tired you can always hire one of those golf buggies – the kids LOVE that!

4. Have ice cream at a park

There are great parks with lakes and playgrounds all over the place. This gets the kids out into the sun and costs virtually nothing. Take a ball along and kick it around for a while. Take the dogs.

5. Have your kid’s friends over for a braai

Get the family into the garden with your kid’s friends. Kids get bored with their parent’s company and need to spend time with friends their age. Light a fire, make boerewors rolls and let them have fun. When they start running out of ideas, start a game of boules or croquet on the lawn.

6. Read to your kids

Just pick up an interesting book and read. It’s always warm and cozy to read together as a family all cuddled up in bed. Read with expression.

7. Broken story

As you all sit in the lounge start a story. Literally tell a story starting with “Once upon a time…” say three sentences and then ‘pass the story on’ to the person on your left. That person must continue the story and say three more sentences. You will have great fun going around the room several times and seeing how each child throws their own personality and creativity into the story. You also learn a lot about your kids this way.

8. Have a dance party

Clear out the coffee table, turn up your kids’ favorite music (I feel your pain if it’s the Jonas Brothers), and have a family disco. Invite their best buddies over and do all sorts of crazy moves and dances. Have each child demonstrate their own dance while everyone copies them. Make pink and blue non-alcoholic cocktails and even dress up for the occasion in fancy dress.

9. Go fishing

Find a nearby lake or dam where fishing is permitted, pack some chairs and a picnic and get your kids cheap fishing rods for the occasion. Show them how to attach a hook and bait and how to cast. If the fish aren’t biting and they start getting bored, unpack the picnic and have a feast.

10. Go camping

Camping is one of the greatest things you can do with your kids, ever! Campfires at night; fishing at dusk; collecting wood; hiking; pitching tents; cooking camp food; exploring; keeping out the bugs; horse riding; bird watching… the healthy, soul-restoring things you can do on camp is endless. Your kids will unwind, relax and be kids again – and so will you. Camping requires a small investment up front but it is one of the best investments into your family you will ever make. Once you have the stuff you need, camping is very budget friendly. I suggest the following minimum basics which can be found at camping stores, Macro, Sportsman’s Warehouse… pretty much anywhere:

• Tents
• Gas cooker
• Lights for inside the tents and walking around
• Portable table and chairs
• Ground sheet and tarpaulin for a central gathering/social area
• Inflatable mattresses and pump
• Sleeping bags
• Fishing equipment
• A box of cheap kitchen crockery and cutlery (plastic or tin)

Share your ideas for fun and inexpensive things to do with your kids. Leave a comment.

I am astounded by how few adults there are that seem to have any idea of how to handle children and get the best out of them. I hear rednecks everywhere say things like, “since they introduced laws against corporal punishment, children have become unmanageable.” Let’s look at this argument. It assumes that the secret to well behaved kids is giving them a hiding, i.e. inflicting pain, and yes, in the days of corporate punishment kids were certainly less prone to open rebellion, knowing that they might get beaten for any number of reasons like: disrespecting adults; speaking out of turn; fighting with siblings; etc. What the argument doesn’t take into account is that there are other methods for inspiring positive behavior in children that do not require inflicting physical pain, but do require some effort and focus. The argument also assumes that if a child submits to corporal punishment that we’ve achieved a change of heart too. This is the same red-necked reasoning that birthed, “children should be seen and not heard”. An intelligent person realizes that to change a child’s behavior we should change their heart first – in that way the child begins to manage their own behavior and the adult does not have to micro manage forever. The same motivational methods apply to adults in the workplace where we certainly cannot use corporal punishment!

Like adults, children need motivation to thrive, but how do we apply Maslow’s or Hertberg’s principles to motivating children? Surely a child cannot have a clear view of their future or their “dream”? Wrong. A child’s dreams are often far clearer than an adult’s. Adults have often had their childhood dreams smashed by the harsh realities of life and then degenerate into unmotivated zombies. Children however have very real ideas about what they want out of life and what turns them on. I attended a pre-school prize-giving event where all the kids were asked to stand up and tell the audience what they wanted to be when they grew up. The kids knew exactly what they wanted to be, from astronauts and firefighters to racing cars (yes, not drivers – cars J). When I ask most adults what their dream is I get a blank stare. Children also have the same need as adults to be loved and recognized and to feel important. So here are some tips for motivating children:

1. Touch them

For those of you mature enough to continue reading without having to laugh derisively about the potential sexual nature of this statement (sigh), I am of course talking about being tactile. Hug your kids. Rub their heads. Wrestle with them. Play fight with your boys. Kiss your girl on the cheek or forehead regularly. Hold their hands. Physical connection is huge for helping kids understand that you love and accept them.

2. Look them in the eyes when you talk to them

We tend to be distracted by everything else when our kids are talking to us, cooking food; watching TV; working on the PC; etc. If a child initiates ten conversations with you during the course of a day and nine times out of ten you don’t stop to look at them and pay attention, they are going to develop a sense of rejection.

3. Be fun!

This may be the biggest problem most adults face with their kids – they’re boring, dull and strict. Adults pour their time and energy into paying the bills and holding the enemy away from the gate. Seldom do they have anything left for their kids who are desperate for a little fun and laughter from their care takers. This is especially critical in these times of protectionism where kids are not allowed to roam the streets by themselves and go find their own adventures. Parents need to understand that Playstation and Lego can only go so far in filling a child’s fun tank – they need human interaction of the joyful kind. What does this mean? It means you’re going to have to get down and dirty with your kids. Turn off the phone for an hour or two; play games; ride bikes; run in the park; have pillow fights; dress up; sing; dance; smile; laugh. Get the carrot out of your but! If you need ideas, drop me a mail and I’ll post some suggestions.

4. Draw them out

Your kids may be the type that volunteer feelings and experiences, but they may not. You need to draw your children out. Ask them how their day was at school, and when you get, “fine”, ask some more questions like, “tell me what you did” or, “how do you feel about that?” or, “did anything interesting or exciting happen today?” Let them feel they can tell you anything. Don’t judge anything they say to you or show an expression of shock or disapproval when you hear something you weren’t expecting – just converse and help them work through their ideas.

5. Give them responsibility

Just like adults, kids need responsibility. They need to feel like you trust them with tasks and projects. Don’t set them up for failure by giving them something to do way beyond their capacity, and always make them feel extra special when they help you with something or show initiative. Let your kids help you in the kitchen or the garden – they love to do things like make biscuits and meatballs (it’s about getting their hands dirty).

6. Be consistent!

The biggest cause of dissatisfaction in kids is inconsistency in their parents. If you say you’re going to do something – do it! If you say, “If you do that again I’m sending you to your room…”, then send them to their room when they do it. Moms, don’t move to the next point until you GET this!! You are creating monsters by constantly threatening your kids and never following through. They don’t know where they stand and are learning how to disobey and get away with it. It takes energy to stop what you’re doing and focus on correcting your child, but it’s absolutely critical for calming them down and giving them a framework to live in. Don’t allow something one day and rebuke them about it the following day – they need to understand what is and isn’t allowed.

7. Practice what you preach

Don’t tell your kids that racism is wrong, and then hurl racial abuse at the taxi driver cutting you off. Don’t tell your kids to keep their rooms clean and then leave your underwear lying in the passage. Don’t preach to your kids to be kind and considerate and live your life being inconsiderate and obnoxious to everyone you meet. Even better, instead of giving your kids a list of all the things they can’t do, start teaching them about their potential and all the things they can do! A universe of must-not’s will never cultivate a happy and creative environment. Demonstrate courage, honesty, fearlessness, fairness and tolerance, and your kids will follow suit.

8. Take an interest

Take an interest in your kid’s lives. Go see their shows and sports. Get involved in their homework and their projects. Ooh and ah about their inventions; Lego creations; and fantasies.

9. Read to your kids!

Don’t just read in your boring accountant’s voice – get enthusiastic about it! Use facial expressions, accents and tone when you read. This will instill an interest for reading and learning in your kids. Do NOT underestimate the enormous benefit of reading to kids in their developmental years (ages 6 – 12), or the enormous disservice you are doing by ignoring this.

Did I just give you 9 tips!? Wow. This topic is really close to my heart, and I might write some more tips on this in time to come. I would love to hear your comments and experiences in this area. Good luck.

The power that drives any successful group, team or effort is motivation. I call it the “M” factor. I’ve seen, over and over again, skilled and professional teams of people fail at their tasks because of a lack of motivation. All the other factors may be in place: financial know-how; academic qualifications; physical capacity; resources; a worthy cause… but when the most important factor is missing (motivation), it all fizzles out into frustration and failure.

In this article I want to introduce the “M” factor by describing what motivation is and what motivation is not. This will be the first in the “M” factor series and the articles that follow will be practical guides as to how to introduce the “M” factor into different types of groups and circumstances. So let’s start with:

Understanding your motivational generator

There are many academic theories on what human motivation is and how it works. Two popular theories are Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs and Hertzberg’s Motivation-Hygiene theory. I particularly enjoy Hertzberg’s theory because it separates the factors that simply prevent dissatisfaction from those that truly motivate with long term effect. We’ll look at some of these when we discuss what motivation is not. I see motivation as a combination of faith and hope. It is that invisible voice that speaks to our depression and fear and says, “get up; get going; you’ll be OK; you can do this; this is going to be great!” Without this we are defenseless, we are overcome by anxiety and the instinct to give up, hide or run away. When we are motivated we have energy, strength and endurance. When motivated, men can overcome: adverse conditions; unpleasant bosses; impossible tasks; ill-health; and even great personal loss or trauma. Imagine if you will that motivation is a generator in your soul. For most people this generator’s power switch is off by default. For others, intermittent access to the correct kind of fuel has the generator powering on and off throughout the day, not unlike a typical hotel in Lagos. For a few people the generator is on all the time and they know just where to find the fuel to keep it going. The fuel is the “M” factor!

Let’s discuss this fuel for a minute. Maslow says that if you’re hungry you will be motivated by food (on the bottom, physiological layer of his pyramid). Your need to survive is the fuel that motivates you to get up and do something about it. This kind of fuel is not long lasting though, and the moment you eat something you are no longer motivated in the same way to do what you have to do to survive… until you get hungry enough again. The higher you go up Maslow’s pyramid the longer-lasting the fuel for motivation. At the top of his pyramid is the self actualization segment which involves things like: vitality; self-sufficiency; meaningfulness; creativity and authenticity. You will notice that these factors have nothing to do with money, possessions, fast cars or fancy clothes. What people are looking for (in all the wrong places) is to achieve a sense of being happy and at peace with themselves. If Maslow is correct then achieving this goal may require first working with the fuel to be found in the lower segments of the pyramid like: a sense of being safe; feeling loved; sexual fulfillment; feeling important; recognition; and a sense of achievement – again, notice that I’m not talking about money and possessions here. When you understand how to access this fuel for your own generator and to use it to refill the generators of others you will be mastering the art of motivation.

What motivation is NOT

Motivation is not keeping people happy and submissive so that they refrain from grumbling or disagreeing with you – this is easy to do through trinkets, discipline, fear and manipulation, which are very short term motivators and in the long term have the opposite effect. They are also not giving people things they ought to have already for the purpose of coercing them into action – these are what Hertzberg calls ‘hygiene factors’ or ‘factors which may prevent dissatisfaction’. I see too many managers and leaders trying to motivate their staff or teams using hygiene factors instead of true motivation. Here are some hygiene factors that do not motivate, but may cause dissatisfaction if not present:

• Salary
• Bonuses
• Good working conditions (lighting, heating etc)
• Policy and procedures
• Resources to accomplish the job
• Relationship with boss
• Supervision

These factors are not fuel for the motivational generator. I might say to you, “Joe, if you meet all your targets today I’ll increase your salary”. This may ‘motivate’ you to achieve some short term goals, but how long will that motivation last? Until you’ve spent your increase and the novelty wears off! After that you may ask yourself, “Why should I do anything for this company? They never pay me enough, even when I meet all the targets”. Your well meaning financial incentive may end up having precisely the opposite effect. Effectively you’re using jumper cables to kick start someone else’s generator, but the moment you remove your cables, their generator, which is running on empty, splutters to a grinding halt.

Many people use negative motivators to try and achieve a positive result. I see this everywhere, but particularly with parents and their children. “If my child is scared of me she’ll do what she’s supposed to do”. “The more I beat my child the more ‘motivated’ he’ll be to obey next time”. “The louder I scream the more my child listens to me!” So dear parent… how’s that working out for you? You’re just creating rebellious children, and if it hasn’t started manifesting outwardly yet, believe me it’s happening on the inside and one day you’re going to regret the monster you’ve created.

So what IS motivation?

First, it’s important to understand that motivation is personal and different for every individual. Our generators are not all the same model or size and they don’t all require the same fuel to run. Our individual capacity for motivation is influenced by many factors. In some ways Maslow is correct in that a hungry person will probably not be as motivated for philosophical conversation as someone who has everything they need. So it is critical to understand needs – your own, as well as those you want to motivate. However, having said that, my experience has led me to believe that everyone can be motivated by self fulfillment, even the hungry, if they understand what that self fulfillment looks like and get a taste of what it feels like.

The secret to motivation is tapping into the dream – the dream of the individual. Every person’s dream is unique, and although it is possible to get people motivated for a dream that is not their own, it is more powerful and beneficial to link your motivational efforts to each person’s own dream. The reason so few people are self motivated is because so many of them have no idea what their dream is. Many have never even considered the concept; they simply live their lives according to the expectations of the rich or powerful around them. They have become victims of circumstance and don’t know what to do about it. I have asked many people to describe their dream for me only to get answers like: “I want to be happy” or “I want lots of money” or “I want to get out of this job”. When I ask: “what will make you happy?” or “what will you do with your money?” or “what do you want to do instead of this job?” I get blank expressions. This is the hunger speaking; the loneliness; the lack that Maslow identifies at the bottom of his pyramid.

In my exercise “the Dream Walk”, I help people uncover their personal dream for their future. They literally draw the dream on a piece of paper and then we discuss what needs to change for them to achieve that dream and what will potentially prevent them from achieving it. When we understand people’s dreams we understand what they’re ‘about’ and we have clues about what will really motivate them. That means that to be ‘motivational’ you have to genuinely care about people and their needs and their lives; and to motivate yourself you have to start by understanding your own dream and what it’s going to take to get you there.

In the other “M” Factor articles I will specifically deal with motivating yourself, your kids, your colleagues, your friends and how to be motivational as a trainer, coach or speaker.

Watch this space!