Deon Barnard

Despite the many stresses in my life: recent divorce; training slowdown; alienation from most of my Christian friends; the prospect of my kids moving to another city; and 20 years of back pain; I am insanely optimistic about life! This is partly because I was blessed with Sanguine genetics, and partly because I revel in the glory of life. There is beauty and greatness and wonder everywhere; and from time to time I even meet some decent people. Here are some of the things that make life great for me; they’re simple things and personal to me, but I hope they make someone relook at their life with a sense of balance and renewed interest. So, in no particular order:

1. McMuffin McMeal breakfasts

“But they make you fat” – what…ever!! Heaven on a English muffin, and McD’s make a great cappuccino.

2. Camping with my kids

There’s nothing better in this world for me. Collecting wood with the boys for evening campfires; hiking through the bush; lunches at waterfalls; braai’d marshmallows; catching frogs and worms for fishing; whittling walking sticks; and fire-baked bread.

3. Tabletop war games

I’ve been playing complex tabletop war games for about 8 years now, mostly Warhammer, a hobby that involves assembling and painting miniature soldiers, and then warring against an opponent on miniature lifelike terrain using tape measures, handfuls of dice and hundreds of pages of intricate rules. It appeals to my whole personality and is an outlet for so many of my interests and passions: creativity; warfare; history; statistics; strategy; mathematics; fantasy; competition; and not least of all, beers and laughter with friends.

4. Music

I couldn’t live without music. I’m always singing a song in my head and tapping out rhythms on every surface I pass. Whenever I walk into a shop or a mall I’m always instantly aware of what’s playing behind the noise of the crowd. I might be walking with a friend and tell them, “I haven’t heard this song for years” and their response is, “what song?” because they haven’t even noticed the music yet in the noise of the crowd. I had a band in Durban some years back and if I had the space now I’d start another. I often get lost in a song while driving and end up travelling 10km past my destination. I’m currently listening to Muse, Killers, Evanescence, Live and Pink Floyd. Music heals me and gives me a place to express all the emotion that is so ‘unacceptable’ in polite society.

5. Cigars, whisky and leather couches

If I’m thinking of a night out, I look for a Karaoke bar (see previous point) or a cigar lounge. I can spend many hours with a long cigar and a good scotch on a luxurious leather couch with a close friend and a philosophical point to ponder. Unfortunately I don’t seem to have too many friends who share this notion or even know what it looks like, but that just gives me another bucket list goal – to start a cigar club; I’ll call it Plato’s pit.

6. Training

Not many people can put their jobs on a list of favourite things to do, but I get to earn a living doing the thing I love most – teaching; motivating; inspiring; encouraging; and challenging people. Through all the changes and career shifts of my life, this one thing has been constant. As a missionary, I trained. As a pastor, I trained. As an IT manager, I trained. As a school teacher, I trained. I finally worked what I was and started calling myself a trainer.

7. Sex

One of the most negative effects of religion in society is that it demonizes sex. Possibly the most glorious expression of beauty and love and pleasure known to man has been reduced to some sort of secret activity that shouldn’t be discussed or thought about outside of the narrow requirements of a particular religion, sect or societal norm. People who think about sex “too much” are labeled “perverts” and have a “problem” – gimme a break! The vast majority of men are thinking about sex all the time, because it’s great! Anyway, enough ranting from me; I’ll write another article on the subject, but needless to say, sex is one of those things that make my life great!

8. Technology

If it’s got buttons, microchips, software, lights or makes noise – I love it! I live in a great era where technology doubles in the world every couple of years – wow – and because of my intuitive relationship with all things IT, I get to have tons of fun and learn new things every day.

9. Cooking (and eating)

I’m always surprised by people (especially moms) who throw baked beans on toast for supper because they feel “uninspired” about cooking a meal. For these folk cooking has become a necessary chore and food is nothing more than fuel to keep the family running. I have never felt that way about cooking – even when I’m doing it every day. Cooking is an opportunity to stretch the right brain daily and at the end of it you get to eat cool stuff too, what could be better? It’s like finger painting with ingredients! I get hungry just thinking about it: coconut curries; tomato pastas; vegetable bakes; stuffed Hungarian cabbage rolls; sticky sweet chicken breasts; creamy Greek salads… sigh.

There you go. Let me know what gives your lives meaning.

If you’ve read my article ’3 reasons to turn off the TV’ then you know that I don’t watch much TV, in fact if I’ve watched 10 episodes of anything this whole year it’s a lot. I do however love movies. I try watching them on the big screen where possible so as not to miss out on all the size and sound as envisioned by the directors and producers. I love movies for many reasons; firstly because I’m a story teller myself, and messages are often easier to accept when you’re looking at them portrayed in the lives of others rather than being directly preached at. As with T.V. there is a pile of mindless nonsense being spewed out of Hollywood, Nollywood and Bollywood, but every so often something powerful, meaningful or true comes along that moves my heart and quite literally changes my mind or life in the process. These are not movies designed for the entertainment value of explosions or high speed car chases alone, but rather movies that say something about the human condition in a special way. I’ll start with five movies, and if there’s a request for more I’ll do another article. Maybe you enjoyed these as much as I did:

The Village (M.Night Shayamalin: starring Joaquin Phoenix, William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver)

I think anything by Shayamalin is brilliant. His stories twist and turn and leave you with a sense of, “hmm, not quite what I expected, but wow!” This is not a horror despite the picture they used to advertise with. The Village is a wonderful story about how humans come together to form safe and loving communities but then fall into the trap of control and deception. It looks at censorship, leadership, culture, society, religion and a host of other human traits like courage and love. Shayamalin casts all his movies superbly.

Michael Collins (Neil Jordan: starring Liam Neeson, Aidan Quinn and Julia Roberts)

This movie inspired me! It is an historical look (back to 1920) at the early days of the Irish Republican Army (IRA) and one of its leader’s, Michael Collins (played by Liam Neeson who instantly became one of my favorite actors). I was particularly impressed with how effectively this man organized and communicated to an underground resistance army almost entirely without the use of technology using a small group structure. As with all movies of this type (Brave heart, Rob Roy etc.), I was also moved by his personal bravery and determination.

Taare Zameen Par (Aamir Khan: starring Aamir Khan and Darsheel Safary)

I had not seen many Bollywood movies and incorrectly assumed they were all musical action-love stories with repetitive plots – boy was I wrong!! Every time I see this movie I cry my eyes out. It is a moving story (brilliantly acted) about a boy with dyslexia (and possibly HDD) who is misunderstood by everyone at school and at home and finally, on the brink of suicide, is rescued by an incredible (and also dyslexic) teacher. There are so many kids in this type of situation today – this movie should be mandatory viewing for all parents and teachers. A must see.

The Matrix (Andy & Larry Wachowski: starring Keanu Reaves and Laurence Fishburne)

Don’t watch this movie for the great acting, because there is none. I loved this movie because it was a revolution in the way movies did special effects, but most importantly it was the first movie that really tackled the question, “What if everything we know is wrong?” It also stirs up philosophical questions like, “Can we be sure that what our senses tell us is true?” and presents the concept of an ‘online’ existence separate from our physical self, which we’re now starting to see with apps like 2^nd Life.

Luther (Eric Till: starring Joseph Fiennes)

The dramatic story of the German priest, Martin Luther (date 1520), who all but single handedly stood against the Roman Catholic Church which ruled the western world through fear and manipulation. His actions resulted in the formation of the Protestant Church and eventually led to political reforms that have changed the world forever. I was deeply moved by his conviction and bravery. There are many other themes that come through in this movie like how one group can see the actions of a man as divisive rebellion and another group sees those same actions as positive reform – often only time can tell.

What movies changed your life? Leave comments!

After my article on what women don’t understand about men and intimacy, women might think I’m only putting forward a male point of view so, as promised, here’s an article that most men could do with reading.

I was recently talking to a male friend of mine from France who was appalled at the South African male condition, which I’m sure is not much different to the Australian or American condition. His impression of South African males was that we have no clue about romance or seduction and that the closest we ever get to love talk is, “Hey babe, let’s have a quick pomp before the rugby”. We are very busy trying to convince everyone how masculine we are by putting on a macho façade and thinking that’s what chicks dig. Anything that’s pink, scented, soft, tender or romantic is “gay”… and the average redneck is seriously homophobic (a little insecure me thinks). This is a huge problem for our guys, because the stuff that really appeals to the heart of a woman is going to require dropping the macho routine and embarking on a journey of feeling and articulation and tenderness, all very gay or course… NOT!!

So men, if you can get out of your fighting, mocking, TV watching, distracted by sports, burping, farting, and sarcasm, state of mind for half a minute, you might find the following tips quite useful for making your lady feel loved. I have to say though (see my previous article) that if you’re just not that into her, or she’s just not that into you, and she’s really not the one for you, you’re probably not going to be able to pull this off with any conviction at all and your problems might be bigger than a lack of romance.

1. Physical touch. Touch your lady throughout the day, whether you’re a “physical touch” person or not – just do it. A stroke on the arm; a gentle hand against the small of her back; a kiss on the neck as you walk past her; holding her hand in the mall; etc.
2. Look at stuff she likes when you go shopping like: dresses; shoes; gifts for friends; etc. There will be times you drop her at a boutique while you move on to the cigar shop alone, but from time to time you need to shop with her for her benefit alone, just because it makes her happy; and when you do – smile, look interested, make insightful comments and tell her how item X, Y or Z suits her. She’ll do the same with you.
3. Listen, and make her feel like you’re listening. Don’t try and “fix” all her problems the moment she raises them – mostly she just needs to voice things to get them off her chest and settle emotions. Instead of saying things like, “why don’t you just…” or, “so why are you getting so upset about it?” try using words like “That must have been difficult…” or, “Really? How do you feel about that?”
4. Be honest. If you’re looking for a life partner there has to be complete openness and honesty. If honesty is going to break up your relationship then you’re with the wrong person. Find someone who can go through your list of dark secrets and still love you for who you are. She needs to be in a relationship with all of you, not just the parts you allow her to see (and vice versa). Honesty is the only way to intimacy, anything else is delusional.
5. On sex…Ok, this point is age restricted, but should be taught to all boys at a young age to bring about an evolution among our cavemen. Activate her senses through tender and sensual touch. Sex is not all about your orgasm… in fact it’s hardly about your orgasm at all! We all know how quick and easy it is for most men to orgasm, so don’t focus on this element when you’re with your lady, focus on her pleasure. Take time and use your hands (and anything else she’ll allow) to tenderly activate the nerves of her skin all over her body. Don’t just rub away at the same place every time – get creative and experiment with sensations and techniques and allow her to tell you what’s amazing and what’s not. You may just find that you get as much personal satisfaction from her pleasure as you do your own.
6. Make sacred time for each other. Every week there should be specific appointments with each other that you simply don’t allow anything to interfere with. You wouldn’t allow anything to disrupt your business meeting, so don’t allow work or kids or family or friends to disrupt your special time together. Make time to catch movies, chat, make love, do hobbies together etc. She’ll feel great if you actively defend those times from external threats.
7. Don’t lose your manners. Open the door for her; say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’; offer to dish up for her at a party and get her a drink; introduce her to people properly; carry stuff for her; etc.

This is a very short list and I’m sure women everywhere could add all sorts of interesting ideas to this article so go ahead and leave your comments.

Are we destroying the world? Are our natural resources about to run out? Has technology brought us to the brink of destruction? Should we be going green; using solar and wind power; becoming vegetarians; planting forests; etc? This post is a bit of a ramble about, well read it and see.

I have been struggling with these issues over the past two years or so and I am really grappling with both sides of the GREEN coin. Firstly, I am a technology addict. I LOVE gadgets of every kind. I own a Blackberry; Notebook; Netbook; Desktop PC; Ipod… and the list goes on. I don’t ever read user manuals because I love the challenge of discovering how things work and what to use them for. I make complicated excel formulas just for fun and love linking up multiple devices to create an audio/visual explosion. If I had more money my house would look like a Hi-Fi Corporation store. An interest in technology is part of my personality makeup.

On the flip side, I love the Earth. I was a boy scout for 7 years and couldn’t get enough of camping, hiking, abseiling, rowing, fishing and the like. If I don’t get into the outdoors at least twice a year I feel like I’m losing my mind. I love the sea; I love rivers; I love mountains; I love trees. My favorite part of the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy has always been when the fellowship enters the forest of Lothlórien, home of the elves, the most beautiful place I could ever imagine living. Even now, watching that scene from the movie (Part 1: Fellowship of the Rings) gives me a sense that we’re doing life all wrong and that we should be more like those elves, living in harmony with nature.

I have seen Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” a few times already, and I feel that every human on the planet should watch it at least once – in fact, go check it out right now at http://www.climatecrisis.net. The message here is that our actions and lifestyles are having a serious effect on world climate and could result pretty soon in the extinction of millions of species of animals and the deaths of millions of human beings as heat and water levels continue to rise significantly. Having said that, I have also spoken to intelligent people that disagree with many of Gore’s views on things, including my most recent chat with a geography teacher… hmmm. As it turns out, many of the images on the movie were emotionally manipulative and completely unassociated with the claimed effects. These people also counter Gore’s arguments with other scientific studies, which don’t have a motivational movie, but do apparently demonstrate that global temperatures have been rising and falling for thousands of years with or without our help, and things like natural disasters, extinctions and ice ages happen all the time quite apart from our carbon emissions… and yet life goes on and people have a marvelous propensity for survival despite it all.

Let’s look at some of the dynamics of this whole debate.

Firstly, there is money involved, and money tends to have an impact on what we choose to be aware of – the quote from the movie is scary but true, “It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on him not understanding it”, amen to that brother! I think there are lots of very negative things happening in the world in the name of progress and industry that are being kept very quiet by those who make billions through these endeavors. Why invest in solar powered vehicles if we’re making a fortune off oil powered vehicles?

Then there is the issue of consequence. Ok, so we’re running out of oil and gas fast – then what? Well I guess the fear is that cars stop driving; trucks, trains and planes stop carrying goods and passengers around the world; the economy crashes and people are plunged back into a pre-industry subsistence type of life. So what? Is the idea of going back to a simple rural lifestyle that bad? My greatest dream in life is to move to the sea, grow my own vegetables, get out of the corporate carnage and write books while I catch fish. I’m not convinced that all our “progress” had made any significant improvement on our quality of life; our lives consist of nothing more than grasping for money so that we can afford all the trappings that help us achieve more money in a vicious never ending circle. I think that nature is like a market – when individual elements of the market don’t obey the rules, the market pushes those elements out or crashes and pushes everyone out and starts all over again. If the world can’t sustain humanity in its current state it might just crash all over humanity and force us to consider a different state of being. If Al Gore is right, that’s exactly what’s going to happen.

Then there’s the issue of truth and opinion. How many times have you gone on a diet because a convincing TV commercial said that ingredients X, Y and Z are bad for you and that ingredients A, B or C should immediately be introduced into your diet instead; only to find a year later that scientists have discovered that ingredients X and Y are not harmful at all and that not eating X or Y could lead to condition D; only for the whole theory to be turned on its head again three years later. Not everything you hear is true, whether Al Gore’s saying it, the president of America, Oprah or even this great blog… we need to learn to investigate truth from more than one angle. My personal view on this is that whether Al is right or wrong or somewhere in-between, it would be a great world to live in if we all changed our habits and became more Earth-friendly – I don’t want to live in a sterile concrete jungle, whatever the fate of the world.

I’m one of those that, like Al, hope we get our S#!T sorted out before the crash. I have to admit that for me it’s not about cuddly polar bears or disappearing Islands in the pacific – it’s about becoming great as a species; it’s about John Lennon’s dream of a brotherhood of man; it’s about evolving; it’s about having a place to go hiking and fishing on my holidays; it’s about discovering perpetual motion and human teleportation; it’s about looking out my lounge window at grass and trees; it’s about living in harmony with nature because that would be an amazing and healing way to live; it’s about not being a redneck; and it’s about a whole bunch of other things I might write a book about one day.

Would love to hear your views, please post comments.

Often obstacles in relationships stem from personality clashes. You may be asking, “Why doesn’t he like me?” or, “What have I done to offend her?” or, “Why does he seem to get along with everyone but me?” It is important to understand that we all approach life and tasks differently, largely based on our personalities (see my introduction to personalities). Cholerics for instance, generally prefer understanding headlines and leaving the details for others to sort out, whereas Melancholics generally feel safer when they have had a chance to plan everything to the smallest detail. If these two people were assigned a task to work on it might be reasonable to assume that they would work well together, one focusing on the general direction and vision casting, and the other wrapping up all the details, but often this is not the case. The project might fall apart because the Choleric communicates in single word ideas, expecting the other person to intuitively understand what needs to be done; and the Melancholic, frustrated with the abrupt and autocratic style of the Choleric becomes critical and depressive. At the same time the Choleric is getting frustrated with the pessimistic view of the Melancholic and the long and intense conversations he’s constantly being requested to have in order to thrash out details. This type of misunderstanding and frustration takes place everywhere, all the time, because:

• People don’t understand personality styles (their own or others)
• People underestimate the role of personalities in relationships
• People aren’t willing to adjust – “I am who I am and people must just accept me the way I am”
• People see other personality styles as ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ – “If they were just more like me”

So here are a few simple suggestions for improving work relations and effectiveness with each style.

Working with Cholerics

• Don’t walk in with a flip file and 57 points to discuss. This will turn them off immediately. Stick to the main issues and give summarized feedback focusing on the bottom line.
• Don’t mumble, stutter or avoid eye contact. Cholerics respect power. Once they lose respect for you it’ll take a small miracle to win it back. Say what you have to say confidently (and succinctly) then let them get on with stuff.
• Don’t be a rules lawyer. Cholerics make and break rules regularly. They are seldom impressed by someone who constantly points out where they’re breaking rules – rather highlight the consequences of their actions for them and then leave. Remember, the greatest people in the world had to beak rules to make progress.
• Don’t get offended at their lack of emotional warmth or lack of sentimentality. Cholerics seldom recognize the need for warm greetings and small talk, but that doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate you or that they’re in a bad mood. You might have to initiate the, “Good morning!” Often the choleric appreciates this and says something like, “Oh, sorry. Didn’t I greet you?”

Working with Sanguines    

• Silence kills. An absolutely quiet working environment will frustrate and stifle a Sanguine. Sanguines need regular opportunities to communicate and laugh.
• Watch your negativity levels. Sanguines wilt in a negative environment – they hate sitting somewhere where people whisper intense and gloomy messages to each other. To get a good rapport going with a Sanguine, smile a lot and laugh openly.
• Don’t be a bore. Sanguines want to have fun. Introduce fun and play into your dealings with Sanguines. To achieve this you might want to use music, team building events, Friday casual day etc
• Give them a stage to shine on! Sanguines love to be noticed and appreciated, so give them roles and tasks where this can happen. Let the Sanguine give an announcement at a meeting or sell an idea to a group of people.

Working with Melancholics

• Appreciate and respect their personal space. Unlike many Sanguines, Melancholics prefer to keep to themselves and get on with their work. They often feel threatened and anxious when people invade their personal space, physically or otherwise, and interfere with their work.
• Give them details. Melancholics are not effective or productive when they only have vague headlines and generalities to work with. They want to know who must do something; where; by when; with what; in which manner; etc. This must be communicated verbally or in written form.
• Stick to the agenda. Melancholics are not prone to wandering off the topic in an attempt at humor or some other such distraction. Stick to the facts and avoid generalizations and exaggerations.
• Remember your manners. Melancholics live by rules, traditions and doing the ‘proper’ thing. You won’t make many Melancholic friends by forgetting to say please or thank you, or by raising your voice or any other abusive coercion.

Working with Phlegmatics

• Be sincere. Phlegmatics mistrust loud, opinionated people. Quiet down, look them in the eyes and show them that you have their interests at heart.
• Be gentle. Phlegmatics will open up to people who are tender and kind, and even then it may take a long time to trust you enough to really share openly.
• Give them a sense of security. Phlegmatics thrive in a secure and constant environment. A change of role or even moving their desk can be deeply unsettling.
• Be concerned about their personal life. It is not unusual to find little framed photos of their kids, dogs or other beloved things surrounding their work space. Phlegmatics are sentimental by nature and appreciate it when someone asks about the health of their kids etc. Just remember that they know when the question is sincere and when it’s not.

You might be saying, “But what you’re asking me to do for these people goes directly against my own personality style,” and that’s the whole point. It is because it is so difficult to adjust to the personalities of those around us that we need to be constantly reminded of these simple things; after all, if we expect people to adjust to us then surely we need to return the favor.

Let’s face it – parents are overworked and overstressed and don’t have tons of creative energy to come up with interesting things to do with their kids. I know the feeling! Sometimes we just need a little push in the right direction to wake us up from our boredom and repetition. Here some things you can try with your kids, and although they may not all be a hit for every child, your kids will appreciate the change of scenery and the personal interaction with you. This is not rocket science, just simple and fun things to do.

1. Build fortresses

This is a great creative activity and works especially well for boys. You will need to collect a bunch of odds and ends like: nails; wire; glue; cardboard; elastic bands; bits of metal and wood; tins of various sizes; paints; and those great pieces of polystyrene packaging that surround appliances which look like fortresses just waiting to be cut and painted! Then dive in and start building. Turn tins into towers and cardboard and string into draw bridges with chains. Make moats and elevators and stairways. Just let the imagination flow. Add to the fortresses those cheap plastic world war two soldiers and your kids will have hours of fun.

2. Build a race car game

Get a big sheet of cardboard or paper and draw a grand prix style track. Intersect the track with lines every 5cm or so. Then either use small toy cars or cut out little cardboard car shapes and paint the each one a different color. You will need a dice. Each member of the family chooses a car and places it on the starting section. Then race around the track by rolling the dice in turn. You can add your own rules like: 6′s roll again; 1′s miss a turn; etc. Have a statistics sheet and record each game’s positions, working out averages, best ‘times’ etc. I have had hours of fun and laughter doing this with my kids. They keep upgrading the track and the cars and the rules with each game.

3. Go to the zoo

Kids absolutely love animals, and city kids seldom get to go see them live, so book a Saturday at the zoo. When you get tired you can always hire one of those golf buggies – the kids LOVE that!

4. Have ice cream at a park

There are great parks with lakes and playgrounds all over the place. This gets the kids out into the sun and costs virtually nothing. Take a ball along and kick it around for a while. Take the dogs.

5. Have your kid’s friends over for a braai

Get the family into the garden with your kid’s friends. Kids get bored with their parent’s company and need to spend time with friends their age. Light a fire, make boerewors rolls and let them have fun. When they start running out of ideas, start a game of boules or croquet on the lawn.

6. Read to your kids

Just pick up an interesting book and read. It’s always warm and cozy to read together as a family all cuddled up in bed. Read with expression.

7. Broken story

As you all sit in the lounge start a story. Literally tell a story starting with “Once upon a time…” say three sentences and then ‘pass the story on’ to the person on your left. That person must continue the story and say three more sentences. You will have great fun going around the room several times and seeing how each child throws their own personality and creativity into the story. You also learn a lot about your kids this way.

8. Have a dance party

Clear out the coffee table, turn up your kids’ favorite music (I feel your pain if it’s the Jonas Brothers), and have a family disco. Invite their best buddies over and do all sorts of crazy moves and dances. Have each child demonstrate their own dance while everyone copies them. Make pink and blue non-alcoholic cocktails and even dress up for the occasion in fancy dress.

9. Go fishing

Find a nearby lake or dam where fishing is permitted, pack some chairs and a picnic and get your kids cheap fishing rods for the occasion. Show them how to attach a hook and bait and how to cast. If the fish aren’t biting and they start getting bored, unpack the picnic and have a feast.

10. Go camping

Camping is one of the greatest things you can do with your kids, ever! Campfires at night; fishing at dusk; collecting wood; hiking; pitching tents; cooking camp food; exploring; keeping out the bugs; horse riding; bird watching… the healthy, soul-restoring things you can do on camp is endless. Your kids will unwind, relax and be kids again – and so will you. Camping requires a small investment up front but it is one of the best investments into your family you will ever make. Once you have the stuff you need, camping is very budget friendly. I suggest the following minimum basics which can be found at camping stores, Macro, Sportsman’s Warehouse… pretty much anywhere:

• Tents
• Gas cooker
• Lights for inside the tents and walking around
• Portable table and chairs
• Ground sheet and tarpaulin for a central gathering/social area
• Inflatable mattresses and pump
• Sleeping bags
• Fishing equipment
• A box of cheap kitchen crockery and cutlery (plastic or tin)

Share your ideas for fun and inexpensive things to do with your kids. Leave a comment.

Managers have the difficult task of promoting the company’s agenda while at the same time caring for the personal needs of their staff. They have to get the most productivity out of employees, for the company to earn more profits, and yet at the same time see that staff are treated fairly and are personally fulfilled at work. The ‘company’ as an entity has no emotional capacity or people skills – it exists for the purpose of making profits – or at least that’s how it’s been for a hundred years; however, more and more in recent times there is a move toward a new philosophy where people, communities and Earth itself are all equally important shareholders in the company, and the board of directors are not a pantheon of Gods anymore. The old-school manipulative techniques of “you’re fired” and “don’t challenge me – I pay your salary” don’t fly anymore; in fact you’re likely to get hauled over the coals at the CCMA (Commission for Conciliation, Mediation and Arbitration) for even thinking about being so stupid. In short, the world is evolving and so must managers, supervisors, team leaders, directors and bosses. We need to understand how to get the best out of our people before we’re going to get the best out of our company. We need to start paying attention and caring.

Motivating employees is not the job of the “HR guy” or the external therapist; it’s not even the job of the manager or team leader – it’s everyone’s job. As we all start applying motivational principles at work, the motivational water table is raised and everyone benefits. Here are some tips for raising the motivational level at your workplace:

1. Have a regular “Barrel” session.

This is something I picked up from my ministry days, although few churches ever used it effectively. Imagine a wooden barrel made of staves and held together by metal bands. Imagine that some staves are short and others long, i.e. the top of the barrel is irregular. Now imagine pouring water into that barrel. If you continue to keep pouring water, after a while the water will overflow – at the shortest stave. No matter how much you keep pouring, the water level in the Barrel will never be higher than the shortest stave. Imagine the staves are critical success factors for your business and the water is the success (profits included). Have a weekly Barrel session with your team to “score” each stave of your business and then focus on improving the shortest stave – in this way you will raise the success level of your business. Let everyone get involved in the process, from the lowly receptionist to the uber-exec. Motivation starts by making people feel they’re included. PS: If you’re not sure where to start with this let me come and facilitate your first session.

2. Colorize your environment.

Nobody wants to work in a sterile, grey institution. Bring some life into the place with plants, paintings (not those sickening ‘motivational’ posters) and interesting furniture. Also, do a survey on what your employees think about their uniforms! Some corporate attire is worse than Afrikaans school uniforms. Get someone in who understands fashion and give your staff options for looking reasonable and professional at the same time. Funk up your corporate logo too.

3. Get rid of dumb incentive schemes

Incentive schemes that have your employees working twice as hard for an extra R100 at the end of the month will cause enormous dissatisfaction. Don’t link your performance management systems to financial incentives because all you’ll get in your performance interviews is everyone lying about how they’ve performed. Nobody is going to tell you what’s going wrong if they think it will impact their salary. Implement a performance management system that focuses on self development and the achieving of personal dreams, with an emphasis on coaching, and watch employee attitudes improve!

4. Communicate!

Talk to your people. Start the day with a focus session and deal with concerns as they arise. Deal with difficult situations one-on-one. If you have expectations then communicate them – only Stone Age managers think “they should know how to do that, it’s just common sense”.

5. Administrate your motivational plan properly

Many businesses administrate the more technical HR elements like salary, leave, employment records etc; but they don’t keep track of the stuff that really counts like your employees’ dreams and personal development. Managers should know where their people are ‘at’ and during regular coaching sessions should be monitoring the personal progress of each employee in their care. Keep secure records for this and please abide by the prevailing personal information security laws and standards.

6. Put the right people in the right places

Many people seem rebellious and contrary at work simply because they’re doing something that doesn’t fulfill them or suit their personality style. It is critical to get a sense of your employees’ GHAPE (gifts, heartbeat, abilities, personality and experience). In this way you will be able to assess whether you have a noisy extrovert dying behind piles of data capturing or a shy perfectionist trying in vain to motivate your sales force. PS: I can help you with this too!

I would love to hear stories of your motivational journey at work. What’s working for you? What’s de-motivating your staff? The more feedback I get the more useful I can be in my upcoming articles.

Wow, what a title! If that doesn’t pull in some visitors then I don’t know what will. I write this article as a male who is tired of the never ending whining of women who make statements like, “My husband/boyfriend/lover is afraid of intimacy” or, “He’s not interested in intimacy, he just wants sex” or, “I’m really hoping we can go and see a therapist about his intimacy problems”… excuse me while I puke.

Firstly, let’s clear up what intimacy actually is – Wikipedia says: Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.

I know any number of couples, and I speak from painful personal experience, where the same woman complaining about intimacy in her husband is herself entirely deficient in the areas of dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocation. The uncomfortable truth about intimacy is that it takes two to tango. The reasons preventing women from wanting to become ‘vulnerable’ and ‘honest’ with their husbands may be the same reasons that give men the reputation of ‘not being intimate’.

Here are some myths that need busting:

Myth 1: Men fear commitment

Truth: Men are scared of committing to the wrong person for the rest of their lives. The idea of being with someone they don’t connect with on anything more than a superficial level, for the rest of their lives, is the stuff of nightmares.

Myth 2: Men only want sex

Truth: Of course men want sex, as do women, but unlike women, men can have sex just for fun, and don’t use it as the only assessment criteria of a good relationship. Men can have sex in the good times and the bad and, being poor at multitasking, tend not to relate their emotions during love making to every other emotion they’ve felt for the last month, blaming one on the other. Men want lots of things! If women were less critical about their partner’s sex drive and more interested in what really makes them tick, they’d be surprised to find a complex, emotional, thinking being with a great desire for intimacy and connectedness.

Myth 3: Men fear intimacy

The opposite is true. Men crave intimacy, but with the right person. Intimacy requires a connection, a chemistry, a coming together of souls. A man is not going to get intimate with someone that does not feed his spirit as much as he feeds theirs. True, many men can have sex with anyone and pretty much at any time, but believe me; they know the difference between sex and intimacy. In the heart of a man is the desire for a life partner, someone who will dig below the surface and find the real him, and when they do, will accept them for exactly who they are without judgment or intolerance. A man won’t be truly intimate with someone who judges him negatively for being who he is. He can have sex with such a person; he can smile and entertain guests with such a person… but his heart will remain closed.

Another point to consider here is (quoting another famous author) ‘He may just not be that into you’. You can’t force, manipulate or coerce someone into loving you – they either do or they don’t. Getting angry and making demands won’t improve the situation; it’ll just make it worse. Multitudes of counselors and therapists can’t flip a switch of love or intimacy in someone – the most they can accomplish is to offer tips for reasonable behavior. I have seen many good men reduced to well behaved pets who speak when they’re supposed to, smile at the right times and put on a good show for friends and family… inside they’re dying and longing for authenticity.

In summary: Contrary to the popular pro-women’s-needs philosophies so prolific in self help books, television talk shows and magazines; women would do well to stop and consider carefully the real dynamics at play in their relationships – not just what they’re ‘not getting’ from their male partners but a deeper look at the genuine commonalities and connectedness between them required for true intimacy. You may just find that you’re flogging a dead horse.

Watch this space for my upcoming article to men: How to make your woman feel loved

I am astounded by how few adults there are that seem to have any idea of how to handle children and get the best out of them. I hear rednecks everywhere say things like, “since they introduced laws against corporal punishment, children have become unmanageable.” Let’s look at this argument. It assumes that the secret to well behaved kids is giving them a hiding, i.e. inflicting pain, and yes, in the days of corporate punishment kids were certainly less prone to open rebellion, knowing that they might get beaten for any number of reasons like: disrespecting adults; speaking out of turn; fighting with siblings; etc. What the argument doesn’t take into account is that there are other methods for inspiring positive behavior in children that do not require inflicting physical pain, but do require some effort and focus. The argument also assumes that if a child submits to corporal punishment that we’ve achieved a change of heart too. This is the same red-necked reasoning that birthed, “children should be seen and not heard”. An intelligent person realizes that to change a child’s behavior we should change their heart first – in that way the child begins to manage their own behavior and the adult does not have to micro manage forever. The same motivational methods apply to adults in the workplace where we certainly cannot use corporal punishment!

Like adults, children need motivation to thrive, but how do we apply Maslow’s or Hertberg’s principles to motivating children? Surely a child cannot have a clear view of their future or their “dream”? Wrong. A child’s dreams are often far clearer than an adult’s. Adults have often had their childhood dreams smashed by the harsh realities of life and then degenerate into unmotivated zombies. Children however have very real ideas about what they want out of life and what turns them on. I attended a pre-school prize-giving event where all the kids were asked to stand up and tell the audience what they wanted to be when they grew up. The kids knew exactly what they wanted to be, from astronauts and firefighters to racing cars (yes, not drivers – cars J). When I ask most adults what their dream is I get a blank stare. Children also have the same need as adults to be loved and recognized and to feel important. So here are some tips for motivating children:

1. Touch them

For those of you mature enough to continue reading without having to laugh derisively about the potential sexual nature of this statement (sigh), I am of course talking about being tactile. Hug your kids. Rub their heads. Wrestle with them. Play fight with your boys. Kiss your girl on the cheek or forehead regularly. Hold their hands. Physical connection is huge for helping kids understand that you love and accept them.

2. Look them in the eyes when you talk to them

We tend to be distracted by everything else when our kids are talking to us, cooking food; watching TV; working on the PC; etc. If a child initiates ten conversations with you during the course of a day and nine times out of ten you don’t stop to look at them and pay attention, they are going to develop a sense of rejection.

3. Be fun!

This may be the biggest problem most adults face with their kids – they’re boring, dull and strict. Adults pour their time and energy into paying the bills and holding the enemy away from the gate. Seldom do they have anything left for their kids who are desperate for a little fun and laughter from their care takers. This is especially critical in these times of protectionism where kids are not allowed to roam the streets by themselves and go find their own adventures. Parents need to understand that Playstation and Lego can only go so far in filling a child’s fun tank – they need human interaction of the joyful kind. What does this mean? It means you’re going to have to get down and dirty with your kids. Turn off the phone for an hour or two; play games; ride bikes; run in the park; have pillow fights; dress up; sing; dance; smile; laugh. Get the carrot out of your but! If you need ideas, drop me a mail and I’ll post some suggestions.

4. Draw them out

Your kids may be the type that volunteer feelings and experiences, but they may not. You need to draw your children out. Ask them how their day was at school, and when you get, “fine”, ask some more questions like, “tell me what you did” or, “how do you feel about that?” or, “did anything interesting or exciting happen today?” Let them feel they can tell you anything. Don’t judge anything they say to you or show an expression of shock or disapproval when you hear something you weren’t expecting – just converse and help them work through their ideas.

5. Give them responsibility

Just like adults, kids need responsibility. They need to feel like you trust them with tasks and projects. Don’t set them up for failure by giving them something to do way beyond their capacity, and always make them feel extra special when they help you with something or show initiative. Let your kids help you in the kitchen or the garden – they love to do things like make biscuits and meatballs (it’s about getting their hands dirty).

6. Be consistent!

The biggest cause of dissatisfaction in kids is inconsistency in their parents. If you say you’re going to do something – do it! If you say, “If you do that again I’m sending you to your room…”, then send them to their room when they do it. Moms, don’t move to the next point until you GET this!! You are creating monsters by constantly threatening your kids and never following through. They don’t know where they stand and are learning how to disobey and get away with it. It takes energy to stop what you’re doing and focus on correcting your child, but it’s absolutely critical for calming them down and giving them a framework to live in. Don’t allow something one day and rebuke them about it the following day – they need to understand what is and isn’t allowed.

7. Practice what you preach

Don’t tell your kids that racism is wrong, and then hurl racial abuse at the taxi driver cutting you off. Don’t tell your kids to keep their rooms clean and then leave your underwear lying in the passage. Don’t preach to your kids to be kind and considerate and live your life being inconsiderate and obnoxious to everyone you meet. Even better, instead of giving your kids a list of all the things they can’t do, start teaching them about their potential and all the things they can do! A universe of must-not’s will never cultivate a happy and creative environment. Demonstrate courage, honesty, fearlessness, fairness and tolerance, and your kids will follow suit.

8. Take an interest

Take an interest in your kid’s lives. Go see their shows and sports. Get involved in their homework and their projects. Ooh and ah about their inventions; Lego creations; and fantasies.

9. Read to your kids!

Don’t just read in your boring accountant’s voice – get enthusiastic about it! Use facial expressions, accents and tone when you read. This will instill an interest for reading and learning in your kids. Do NOT underestimate the enormous benefit of reading to kids in their developmental years (ages 6 – 12), or the enormous disservice you are doing by ignoring this.

Did I just give you 9 tips!? Wow. This topic is really close to my heart, and I might write some more tips on this in time to come. I would love to hear your comments and experiences in this area. Good luck.

We live noisy, demanding, stressful, complicated lives – and most of it is our own fault. Let’s start with demands on our time. The phenomenal explosion of communication technologies in the last 50 years has radically changed the way human beings do life. One hundred years ago if you wanted to do business with someone in another country you may have sent a proposal, having written it in ink, on paper, and sent it via a long and slow system of horseback courier, ship and train. You might have expected to receive a response after a month, and then business would only get started a year later. During the times of waiting you might be chilling on your farm and considering the state of your crops. Today you can send a proposal instantly, to multiple parties, via e-mail, sms and social networks and get a response within minutes or even seconds. If you’re a day too late, someone else gets the job. Most of us are involved in multiple conversations with multitudes of people across a variety of networks around the world – all the time! We’re maintaining jobs; relationships; Facebook, Twitter and My Space profiles; hobbies; families; gym memberships; brainwashing sessions church attendance; and the list goes on.

On top of the social demands on our time (virtual and otherwise), we complicate things further with possessions. We collect stuff: DVDs; books; clothes; ornaments; gadgets; cars; phones; computers; pets; toys; and a list of other things we accumulate for purposes nobody can fathom. Then because we’ve got the stuff, we feel obliged to protect it with all our might, so we get it all insured and hire someone to babysit all the crap when we go on holiday. We’re constantly multitasking, but never really doing any one thing properly. We go to a friend’s home for dinner only to spend half the time on the phone with someone who is not even present. We eat fast foods and add health issues to our list of challenges. We get involved in organizations that manipulate our time and resources towards their own ends. We waste precious recovery hours in front of the television and yet never seem to recover. We run to doctors, therapists, religion, diets and supplements to find relief – but they just add to the complication.

Is it any wonder that we’re exhausted, stressed and depressed? It’s time to uncomplicated your life! So here are (you guessed it) three tips (I may have been Baptist in a previous life) for achieving a simpler life.

1. Stop buying stuff!!

You really don’t need it. Buying things might make you happy for about three minutes and afterwards you’ll be left with a hole in your pocket and a hole in your heart. You cannot spend your way to happiness. In fact, it may be time for you to assess all the crap you own and start giving stuff away. Your kids probably have enough toys to support a small village in Africa. All those books you own that you’ll never read, or never read again, can be given to someone who will read them. Get rid of your duplicate stuff. Make space in your home and simplify your lifestyle. Get rid of those old hi-fi systems and irons that don’t work. Stop buying pets! Animals are not grateful for the confinement of your home, and the irresponsible breeding of animals won’t cease until people stop buying them.

2. Learn how to use technology

You might be asking, “Huh?” I am a firm believer that skilled use of good technology can simplify your life and save hours of time. The reason computers can seem like time wasters is because people don’t understand them and aren’t familiar with the software they’re using. A small investment of a few hours or days learning how to use your computer properly will make you ten times more effective in the long run. You need to know how to use at least these tools at an intermediate level:

• Microsoft Office: specifically Word, Excel, PowerPoint and Outlook
• PDF: how to read and create PDF files
• Email: Outlook as well as alternative apps like Outlook express, Hotmail, Gmail, Thunderbird
• Graphics: How to find, view, download, capture and edit pictures inside apps like Word as well as more advanced apps like Photoshop and Fireworks
• Browsing: How to find exactly what you’re looking for on the web in less than 20 seconds
• Social Networking: get yourself set up on Facebook, Twitter and other social networks and improve your online savvy
• Messaging software: email is on the decline – use instant messaging to communicate with clients, family and friends on the fly like Skype, MS Messenger or Google Talk

3. Slow down

A lot of our busyness is nothing more than frenetic energy. We’re so used to moving and talking all the time that we feel uncomfortable just being quiet. I enjoy a cigar and a scotch under the tree in my garden in the late afternoon. During these times of stillness I consider my life and my opportunities and my relationships. I listen to the sound of birds and crickets in the grass and I fill my spirit with the wonder of life that is so easily stolen in the carnage of the day. I also believe in holidays. Everyone has to get out of the city as often as they can and soak up the calm and healing splendor of the country. One of my favorite hobbies is fishing, and although I have to admit that I seldom catch any, I love sitting for hours on the banks of a river or the shore of the sea and just being… quiet. Bring on December!