Deon Barnard

We live in a time where a vast universe of drugs and supplements are easily available for the upkeep of our health. We live in a time of over-the-counter cures for almost any ailment; a time where patients are able to diagnose their problems just as accurately as their GPs; and nothing is impossible in the realm of plastic surgery and physical makeovers. It is now fashionable to be a green; fat-free; smoothie-drinking; vegan. So why is nobody healthy?

Despite our chemical, surgical and neurological wizardry, I see thousands of unhealthy people around me every day, young people, even kids complaining about back aches, headaches, neck aches, leg aches, nausea, tiredness and so on. Could we be missing the real cause of these problems? Sure, sitting bent over a computer for 8 hours a day is going to have an impact on your general state of health, and sitting staring at TV all night is not improving the situation much, but I believe we’re not tackling the real problem. There is a cure, an instrument of great healing that does not require surgery, medication or gym membership. It is a three letter word.

Joy.

We have lost our Joy. It is scientifically proven that happy people are healthier people. Happiness results in a release of chemicals that bring recovery and healing. Stress and depression release chemicals that result in inflammation and other nasty long term effects. Unhappy people are much more prone to developing diabetes, cancer, heart disease and other nightmarish problems. It is easy to recognize the positive effects of happiness in your own life by considering how great you feel after laughing so hard that you want to pee, or hearing that you’re not actually in trouble when you thought you were, or lying in spiritual bliss after a mind blowing orgasm…

The obvious question then is, “how do we get happy?” Don’t be fooled into thinking that my above examples of ‘feeling happy’ are the method for finding long term happiness. I merely use these as examples of the powerful chemical effect that even temporary joy can have on your life. By their very nature these things will give you an instant rush of the good stuff and then (if you have no real joy in your life to start with) will drop you like a sack of potatoes – kinda like the sugar rush my son experiences after a monster piece of double-death-by-chocolate-mouse-cake that has him bouncing around like a bionic gummi bear for 40 minutes, then leaving him in a pile of morbid, energy-deficient uselessness for the rest of the day. What we all need is to find that constant joy that works like low GI bread and keeps you at optimal health and happiness all the time. Here’s how:

1. Make a conscious choice to stop being fearful. Write a list of all the things you’re worried about or that scare you, then one at a time, preferably with the support of someone you trust, face each of your fears and overcome them. This may take months or years, but you’ll be getting healthier with each victory.
2. Uncover your dream. What do you want for your future? Go deep – yeah sure you want a new handbag or new car, but how do you want to make a difference and impact your world? Write it down, draw pictures, cut out magazines and make a collage of your potential future and then look at it every day, willing yourself toward it. It’s hard to be depressed while you’re living your dream. (If you need help with this, invite me for a seminar or workshop)
3. Get honest about your baggage! What’s holding you down in your life? It could be a person (or people), a job, an attitude, a time waster, an addiction etc. Identify the thing, stare it in the face, make plans to get rid of it – then chuck it! You’ll never be happy if you’re a slave to someone (or something) else’s expectations of who or what you should be.
4. Love. Allow yourself to love people. Anyone. Everyone. I’m not proposing that you do whatever others tell you to do (that becomes baggage); or that you believe everything you hear (because most of what you hear will be rubbish); or that you don’t recognize evil, stupidity and deceit when you see it. What I’m saying is, open your heart to people. Withhold judgment. Associate with people who are poorer than you, richer than you, speak a different language or have a different skin colour.

I’m sure there are many other things that will improve your long term happiness quotient but my suggestions will certainly get you on the right path.

Have a look at these articles on the link between happiness and health

• reuters
• realage
• futurity

This is a little allegory that has been developing in my head over the past couple of years. It’s a bit like religion and a bit like organised society and a bit like… well, you decide.

There once was an island, cut off from the rest of the world on which a large group of simple people lived. The island only had one source of food, the pigs that lived in the forest in the middle of the island. As people became hungry they would go into the forest in small groups to find and kill a pig to sustain themselves for a while. However, there was a growing crisis on the island. People were starting to notice that it was becoming more and more difficult to find pigs in the forest, and they started to fear that some day their food would run out and they would all starve.

The leaders of the island community got together and said, ‘Let us place around the forest a boundary, and let us prevent people from catching pigs any time they please. Let us place guards in the forest and give them authority to prevent people from catching pigs – we will call these guards Pleece. Let us hold a monthly feast where we kill a pig and all eat sparingly so that the pigs will have an opportunity to recover their numbers. Let us call the feast Pigoween. Let us make a sacred law that nobody may catch or kill pigs except those that are nominated to do so for the monthly feast. We will call these people Sivelserfs.

So the leaders gathered the people together and decreed the sacred law and inducted the Pleece and the Sivilserfs into service. They showed the people where the boundary was and made it very clear that no one was to cross it. For a while people only ate at the feast of Pigoween but one day while the Pleece were roaming through the forest they noticed blood on the floor, and after doing a survey of all the pigs they realised that someone had come into the forest at night and killed a pig without permission. The leaders decided to enroll more Pleece and arm them with bigger clubs and sharper swords for the protection of the pigs, but still from time to time pigs went missing. Sometimes the offenders were caught and punished and sometimes they evaded the Pleece and got away without punishment.

The leaders gathered again to discuss the problem. They realised that enforcing the sacred law through threat of force was not stopping the people. If they were hungry enough they would be willing to confront the Pleece who guarded the pigs. They needed the people to ‘want’ to obey without the need for physical barriers. So they invented a myth. They decided that they needed to instill inside the people a genuine fear of the pigs and the forest. They gathered the people together and told them a story. They told the people that there was a creature in the forest called the great Spreet. They told the people that the great Spreet was a fearsome being that could tear a man apart with just a thought, and that the great Spreet had told the leaders what he required. The Spreet told them that the pig was a sacred beast that should not be eaten without the required rituals. In fact the Spreet would destroy any man that came into the forest at any time other than the time of the Pigoween feast, and even then, only Spreet priests would be permitted to kill the holy pig, chosen by the great Spreet himself. The leaders consecrated one among themselves who was to be the Spreet priest on behalf of the people. The leaders went on to say that the great Spreet would utter mysterious and fantastical secrets to the priest and that the people should come together each week to worship the great Spreet and hear the mysteries that had been passed on to the priest. Anyone found not attending the fellowship of Spreet would be disappointing the great Spreet and should fear for his life; however, those that honoured the great Spreet would be prosperous and never go hungry.

A temple was built for the weekly gathering of Spreet worshippers and the priest spoke to the people each week of the great Spreet. He told them many mysteries that they could not understand and warned them of the dire consequences of disobeying the great Spreet and crossing the pig line. The people feared the great Spreet and they feared the priest of the Spreet. Those that did not believe the story were beaten publically, and those few that crossed the pig line anyway were killed by the Pleece who patrolled the pig line or the servants of the priest of Spreet inside the forest who believed they would be rewarded by Spreet for their great service. The plan worked and the people only ate pig at Pigoween. People restrained themselves because of the fear of Spreet. The pigs in the forest began to multiply and the crisis was averted.

Years went by, the leaders died, and the people of the Island passed the pig myth down to their children and they in turn to their own children. The worship of Spreet became known as Pygdom. As the years passed, the stories changed and became more complex. The weekly gathering of Spreet became the central tradition of the island. A great book was created in which all the many stories and laws of Spreet were written so that future generations would understand how to live and be prosperous on the island. The most holy symbol of the worshippers of Spreet was the pig. The forest pigs grew exponentially in number and were worshipped by the people, who had stopped eating pigs altogether and found other sources of food on the Island.

The people felt they were happy and understood the meaning of life and the mysteries of Spreet, the great and unseen one.

To be continued soon…

The popularity of my previous article on TV “3 Reasons to turn off the TV” was quite surprising to me, I have to say. I expected my rantings about the uselessness and brain-deadening consequences of television to fall on the deaf ears of the already-comatosed. It seems I was wrong. My sense is that many people are caught up in the TV trap and have a deep desire to be rid of the thing so that they can get on with living. It’s almost as though people need ‘permission’ to turn off the TV – as though they may come across as socially unacceptable if they don’t put in the obligatory daily 4 hours worth of brainwashing time. So here it is… “It’s OK to turn off the TV! And if anyone gives you a hard time about it, tell them I gave you permission”

Need more reasons to turn off the TV? Not convinced yet? Let your logic chew on these little gems:

1. TV destroys your love life

How many couples start their relationship chatting till late hours of the night, going out for coffee to romantic corner cafés and giving each other erotic massages all night long? TV is never even considered in those early, heady, honeymoon weeks of a new romance. Then someone turns on the TV! What a stupid thing to do. He says, “Honey, let’s go explore each other.” She says, “uh, I’ll be there later my love, I just want to finish watching my soapy… you don’t mind do you?” He goes to bed and falls asleep before she gets there. The next afternoon she says, “my love, let’s try position 37, I don’t think we’ve done that yet.” He says, “Not now honey, Liverpool just have to score one more goal and they’re through to the quarter finals.” Before long, a once-romantic couple is in a constant state of distractedness and lifelessness. Television has sapped their energy, their passion, their libido and their reason for being together. There are thousands of woman everywhere screaming “I wish the stupid *&^%$ would turn off the *%^$% TV!!!!!”

2. TV is noise pollution

It is a fact that we are not ‘quiet’ enough. Check out http://www.quiet.org and this article about the consequences of noise on our health. There is a worldwide move back to being more spiritually aware. Generations have lived under a noisy flood of religion, media, television, radio and other sounds that fill our heads with words, clichés, convincing facts and a dull sense of mental anesthesia. To get in touch with ourselves, separate from our need for approval and validation from others, we need to become quiet. We need to learn to sit quietly in the garden, or under a tree, and… think, allowing our own consciousness and self developed opinions and paradigms to form. Some call it meditation; others call it having a ‘devotion’ or ‘quiet time’, (though often these terms refer to another tactic of the institution to influence even your silent thought processes). What we really need is time to be truly quiet. This heals mind, body and spirit, and injects new energy and opportunity into your life. TV is a sure way to keep the quiet out and fill your head with useless buzz.

3. TV is a money drain

Having already established that TV is a waste of time with a list of negative consequences on your life, it would make no sense to spend any money on it, right? Well, we do spend money on TV, and lots of it. Let’s consider the impact of television on your budget. This is a South African scenario but I’m sure the principles apply anywhere. Firstly, if you own a TV you have to pay a TV license fee to the national broadcaster. This enables them to keep churching out rubbish on 3 channels 24 hours per day. A TV license costs about R250 a year. Then there’s the TV itself. Most people aren’t content to watch TV on a small box anymore, after all if you’re spending 4 hours per day watching the thing you may as well do it properly right? An 81cm flat screen LCD TV costs around R7000, which of course turns into R10000 when taken as credit installments. Then, most people aren’t happy to have only three channels of local rubbish to watch, they want 100 channels of international rubbish too. A full ‘bouquet’ of DSTV channels will cost about R6000 per year, and throw in another R4000 for an HD decoder and, hey presto, you’ve spent R20250. You could be paying about R800 per month to keep up the TV addiction, and that doesn’t include TVs in other locations like offices and holiday homes. On top of that, time is money, and if you’re spending 4 hours per day watching TV and let’s say you might be investing at least one of those hours into an earning opportunity (like writing this blog), then TV is probably costing you well over R5000 per month in wasted opportunity. Instead, the poor masses stare vacantly at the screen waiting for their ’ship to come in’ and throwing away opportunities for success, happiness, wealth creation and relationship building, all the while making companies richer – hmmm.

Started your TV fast yet? It’s easy – just unplug your TV from the wall and put it high up in a cupboard for a month. Move your couches around to fill the vacant space and start doing other things with your time. Start a small business. Invite some friends over for games. Read to your children. Make love to your partner. Read a book. Play an instrument. Improve your garden. Start a hobby. Get fit. Discover a new restaurant. The possibilities are endless. Have fun.

Criticism is an essential part of business life. When things go wrong at work the people who have made the mistakes aren’t always aware there is a problem. Or they may not realise they are the cause of the problem. They need to know about and accept responsibility for their mistakes, or things will continue to go wrong. Part of your job is to provide constructive criticism, but before you can do this you need to know how to accept criticism too.

Accepting criticism    

It is often easy to feel that you are being attacked and therefore quite natural to feel that you must defend yourself. Here are some guidelines for receiving criticism:

• Keep calm – getting angry yourself is unlikely to solve problems and it could be harder to work with this person after you have had a blazing row
• Show you appreciate how the other person feels – you don’t have to agree with the criticism, but acknowledging that they are upset can help take the heat out of the situation
• Get them to separate fact from opinion. Establish what has happened and how it has caused problems for the other person.
• If the criticism is valid, admit you made a mistake and apologise. Then discuss what you can do to improve the situation.

Criticising others

It is unfair to criticise people for things they can do nothing about like their personality, age, gender, etc. Focus on the facts and the way people behave: these are the things that can be changed in future. Here are some guidelines for giving criticism;

• Decide why you want to criticize – is it to punish, to shift the blame or to change future actions?
• State the problem in objective language: the facts and the issues involved. Steer clear of criticizing personalities and opinion
• Discuss what would be an acceptable solution and how you would like the other person to contribute
• Get their commitment to carrying out the agreed actions

Need to improve your customer service or team dynamics? Check out the training link.

The average westernized, modern, city-dwelling person has bought into a myth which I like to call the timeline. The timeline is so all encompassing that most people don’t have a clue they’re on it. Some believe it’s the “right” way to live and some know there’s something wrong but can’t put their finger on it. We’re groomed and prepared for the timeline from birth. Our parents get the ball of indoctrination rolling and the systems take over. At school we’re told that following the timeline makes us “good citizens”. At church we’re told that following the timeline makes us “good Christians”. The media reinforces the timeline 24 hours per day as the masses stare in a zombie-like state at the colourful and convincing messages that scream out, “You NEED this car”; “Buy this product”; “Don’t let your loved ones down – get life insurance”; “Retire in style – open a policy now”; “Don’t be left destitute when thieves break into your home – insure with us”; “You can’t get a job without a degree – enrol now”.

The timeline is the spoken and unspoken social requirement that everyone should get registered, schooled, graduate from college, get married (forever), have two and a half kids, buy a home, have two dogs, go to church, get a safe job with a regular income, start saving for retirement and death, get promoted, buy a fancy car, teach your kids to live the timeline, retire and die – and by the way, through all of this try not to look for trouble, don’t challenge the system, fear God, fear your government and don’t take any risks.

We are programmed to be acceptable, fearful and amiable. The only ambition that is taken seriously is the ambition to make more and more money. We are driven, practically foaming at the mouth, to make more money, all with the end goal in mind of “retiring” in comfort and having nothing to “worry” about. We earn and earn at the expense of our families, our relationships, our health and mental and spiritual wellbeing. We give up our own personal and meaningful dreams to adopt the myth in the understanding that one day we’ll be happy if we just follow all the rules.

Here are some reasons why the timeline is a myth:

1. Money is a means, not an end

Money can certainly relieve some immediate stresses, like paying off debt or hiring domestic help etc. However the real problems in our lives are caused by the way we think, not the lack of money. Often we have no money because we’re too fearful or depressed to attract any. When you have a real and meaningful personal vision for your life, and you pursue the vision rather than the money to make it happen, the money starts finding its way to you. People with a dream attract likeminded people and resources to make the dream happen. Money becomes a side issue, secondary to the main event. If you’re working “for money” and waiting for you “ship to come in” you’ll probably be waiting a long, long time. My advice: Focus on your dream, not all the things you “don’t have”. The more you fear money (or the lack of it), the less you’ll have. You need energy and positivity to be productive and achieve worthwhile goals – fear will steal all that away from you. Project your vision and attract the resources to you.

2. Retirement helps you die quicker

People have this surreal image in their heads of what retirement is. They see themselves sitting on the beach from age 55 through to uh… 120, sunbathing and doing crossword puzzles or other such arbitrary and apparently pleasant things. They have a sense that this will be complete bliss and that they’ll never have to “work” again. This is such fantastical nonsense. Firstly, we all have an innate desire – need – to work and be productive. Yes, you may hate your current job, but that’s because you’re on the timeline, your attitude is wrong and you’re doing something someone else told you to do instead of what you were born to do. If you’re living your dream you’ll be “working” and therefore earning until you die or your body shuts down, which should be long after fifty five. Secondly, if you’ve ever tried to do “nothing” for a few months you’ll realize how brain deadening and dull it is. Sure, the first few weeks can be great stress relief and recovery time, but soon you start to feel like you’re wasting your time and your internal urge to “make a difference” kicks in. People who retire to nothing start to deteriorate and eventually give up on life altogether. What’s the point of working and saving for retirement for the sole purpose of breathing and existing till you die? My advice: discover your dream and start working at it. In time your passion and ability will make way for you and you can live the rest of your life doing what you enjoy without the need for retirement.

3. Life without risk is no life at all

A careful look at the timeline and the clichés and rhetoric that support it reveals a few interesting themes. The two that stand out most obviously for me are “make more money” and “be safe!” Everything we learn from childhood reinforces the notion that we must reject risk at all costs and set up our lives for maximum security and minimal personal discomfort. Think about it, we live in prisons behind high walls and burglar bars. We insure everything we own just in case we lose it – heaven forbid. We medicate ourselves and our children into a coma. We get any job we can find to secure that all-important monthly pay cheque (for what its worth). In the process we have lost our sense of adventure, our creativity, our imagination, our pioneering spirit, our individuality, our sense of excitement and freedom, and most of all – our joy. People live lives of quiet desperation behind their physical and emotional fortifications, secretly hoping that something great will happen but always disappointed. They say the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If you want something great to happen, you’re going to have to step out and take a few risks. My advice: create your “bucket list”. Write down three or five or ten things you want to do before you die… then do them! You’re probably going to have to face all sorts of fears and obstacles, but that’s exactly what makes life worth living. Take a risk, swim out to sea, go get your ship and bring it in. Yes, there’s a chance you’ll drown in the waves, but it’s no more risk than dying in the desert you’re waiting in.

PS: I’d love to see your bucket lists. Please post them as comments on this article J

A moment of truth is that moment when a customer steps into the reception, hears the company’s greeting over the phone or opens a letter or email from the company. It’s that first impression. It’s that gut feel that says, “These guys suck” or “How dare they?” or “Wow, that person was helpful!” or “Sheesh, this place is a dump”.

It can take days, weeks or months to reverse the effects of a negative or traumatic moment of truth in a customer’s mind. Things that can have an impact on the moment of truth are:

• The upkeep of your premises
• The air conditioning
• The music / noise
• A receptionists bearing and attitude
• A salesperson’s genuineness and helpfulness
• The personal interaction between staff
• The first words spoken to the customer
• Eye contact
• A smile

The truth is that the average customer assesses all these things in an instant and unconsciously determines whether the company is worth their business or not. All too often a company has a worthy product or service but small and important ‘moment of truth’ factors are overlooked and customers are lost to the competition.

A great little acronym that should be pasted onto everyone’s desk pad, keyboard, notice board and coffee mug is E.P.R.

EPR is the CPR of customer service. Using this technique will resuscitate good customer relations and go a long way to ensuring positive moments of truth for the customer. EPR stands for Empathy, Procedure and Resolution. Let’s take a look at these concepts.

1. Empathy

Empathy is not sympathy. In the world of business it would not be very helpful to literally cry in sympathy of the customer’s dilemma. What customers want is someone who will listen, understand and take action on their behalf. Customers want to know that the person they’re dealing with is being sincere and honest with them. A customer wants to know that they have been heard and that their situation is thoroughly understood. Empathy is about being on their ’side’ and looking out for their interests. I have seldom seen empathetic customer service in this country, most customer facing staff I have met are too busy protecting and defending themselves to be on the customer’s side or see anything from the customer’s perspective. “The system is slow today – it’s not my fault”. “It’s not my department – ask someone else.” “It’s not MY fault you didn’t check your documentation!” “Well you don’t have to get upset about it”. We cannot have empathy while we’re being defensive. Customer service is about the customer not you. Good ways to start empathetic communication are, “I understand” or “I see what you mean” or “I see you point”.

2. Procedure

Learn your ‘procedure manual’ in detail then pack it away and use your brain! It is critical that customer facing staff know exactly what the correct procedure is for all anticipated circumstances, and it is equally critical that when unforeseen circumstances arise, that they have enough general knowledge, skill and common sense to deal with anything. I have called call centers of large service providers and had an agent rattle off something like “Good day, my name is Joe Soap, how may I be of excellent service to you?” Then when I explain my situation I get silence… then, “please hold” and transferred to the agent sitting next to them. Yeah, truly excellent service there Joe! The problem is that Joe neither understands the services his company offers nor how to deal with tricky issues not covered by the rule book.

A classic example is cream soda floats. Huh? Yes, cream soda floats! Next time you go to a restaurant try and order a cream soda float. Last time I went somewhere and ordered this heavenly beverage I got a blank stare and the following conversation ensued:

“Uh… a cream soda?”

“No, a cream soda float.”

“Float?”

“Yes.”

“Uh… I don’t think we have cream soda floats…”

“(sigh) Do you have cream soda?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have ice cream?”

“Yes.”

“So can I have a cream soda please!? Large.”

“Uh… can I just check something”…

At which point she hurries off to the kitchen to check with her manager if she can take a cream soda float order. She probably gets a slap across the head from her slightly less retarded manager and scurries back to say that they do in fact have cream sodas. What was the problem? You guessed it – it wasn’t on the menu (AKA procedure manual). The issue was the waitress didn’t know what to charge for it, and she would rather bring me something I didn’t want than apply her mind to adding the cost of the cream soda to the cost of a scoop of ice cream. This is the kind of customer service I get on a daily basis. I want to scream and jump up and down and put them all in a training room to sort their brains out!

3. Resolution

The ultimate goal of customer service is to resolve the customer. Not necessarily the problem, but the customer himself (or herself). Sometimes you can resolve the customer by resolving their particular request or problem and sometimes you have to adjust the need, expectation or problem because the customer actually needs something else – they just don’t know it yet. Often a customer knows that they’re frustrated or exasperated but are not sure what particular service or product will meet the need. It is the job of the customer service agent to deal with the emotional need first and then help the customer identify the solution. Sometimes the solution is not something your company can provide, in which case pointing the customer in the right direction is resolving them. Every customer should be a fresh case of, “how can I resolve you?”

Want to improve your customer service? Check out the training link.

According to the American ‘Time Use’ Survey, consumers spend 11% of their lives sitting in front of a television. A German survey says 7%. Others put it even higher at 15%. Let’s put that into perspective shall we… Statistics are telling us that the average TV watching person is sitting in front of the Telly between 2 and 4 hours per day. Let’s call it three hours. That works out to 21 hours per week; or 95 hours per month; or 1140 hours per year. Wow!

That’s fairly impressive if the TV is improving our lives… but as you’ve probably guessed already, it’s not. The reality is that billions of people are sitting and staring at a noisy glowing box every day that is stealing their time, dulling their senses and blocking their opportunities for success. Here are 3 reasons to turn off your TV and take back your life – or at the very least knock down your zombie-TV-staring hours from 21 hours to 4 hours per week. I dare you.

1. TV turns your brain off.
   
   There are numerous studies that show the negative effects of watching television on your brain. Click here to read an article about the neurological impact of television published by the Centre for Cognitive Liberty and Ethics.
   TV is not making you smarter, despite the fact that you may be watching hours and hours of Animal Planet. Have you ever had that dull feeling after watching a few hours of TV, like you’re not all there? It’s a type of catatonic state that slows your senses and makes you feel like reality is far away somewhere… not unlike many drugs – this may be the very reason so many people spend so much of their lives doing it. Here is a sample of lyrics from a song called ‘Television, the Drug of the Nation’ by the group ‘Disposable heroes of Hiphoprisy’…
   

   TV, it
   satellite links
   our United States of Unconsciousness
   Apathetic therapeutic and extremely addictive
   The methadone metronome pumping out
   150 channels 24 hours a day
   you can flip through all of them
   and still there’s nothing worth watching
   TV is the reason why less than 10 per cent of our
   Nation reads books daily
   Why most people think Central America
   means Kansas
   Socialism means un-American
   and Apartheid is a new headache remedy
   absorbed in its world it’s so hard to find us
   It shapes our mind the most
   maybe the mother of our Nation
   should remind us
   that we’re sitting too close to…
   

    

2. TV steals your time. It seems that almost everyone I meet these days tells me, “I don’t have enough time”, and yet they can spend in excess of 1000 hours per year watching television. What could you do with an extra 1000 hours each year? Learn to play a musical instrument? (Improving your creativity and relieving stress). Start a small business? (Improving your finances and getting you out of debt) Write a blog like the one you’re reading now? (Potentially increasing your finances and improving your networking opportunities). Make a few new friends? Join a club? Write a book? Read a whole pile of books? Get a diploma?
   There are any number of life-improving things you could be doing with your time rather than watching TV but instead we just have to find out what the latest scandal is on the Bold and the Beautiful or Grays Anatomy or Big Brother. People actually sit for hours watching other people brushing their teeth and washing dishes… go figure. Let’s take our little mathematical projection further. 1140 hours per year means that in the 60 years of your life between ages 13 and 73 you will have thrown away EIGHT YEARS of your life sitting on a couch and passively staring at a box!
3. TV is antisocial. It is really annoying to walk into someone’s house and the atmosphere is filled with the sound and light of television. I have had people invite me to their homes so that I can advise or counsel them on personal matters only to have them sit me down in the lounge and chat to me with the TV blaring in the background, and then when asked if we could turn the TV off they turn the volume lower or just look at me as though I’m crazy… “What? Turn the TV off? You can’t be serious!”
   Improve your family and love live by turning off the box and sitting around a table playing games or reading to each other or discussing life or dare I say… have sex!

For your health, your mind, your body, your relationships and your future, I challenge you to cut down your current TV watching time by half. Even better, have a TV fast for a month. Make a deal with your family that for one month you will watch absolutely NO TV! Unplug it and put it in a cupboard. This little exercise will demonstrate to you that you can survive without TV and you’ll be surprised how many other great and productive things you’ll end up doing with your time, not least of all – talking to people. Just remember though, TV is like a drug, so for a few days you might be tempted to stare at the empty space in the wall where the TV was because your body and brain are conditioned that way. In time you’ll find that even when the TV is there, you seldom turn it on because you’re too busy doing meaningful things. Let me know how your TV fast goes.

In 360BC (or thereabouts) a Greek philosopher named Plato wrote a book which was to change the course of history. The book was called ‘the Republic’. Many of the principles suggested in this work became the foundation of modern western democracy. In this book he wrote a profound parable / analogy about a cave dwelling civilization which I will summarize for you.

In Plato’s cave there exists a civilization of people who are bound by their hands and feet and spend their lives sitting and staring at a blank cave wall, unable to turn around. Behind the strange group of people is a fire on a ledge and in front of the fire is a roadway with a wall. Between the fire and the wall people are walking back and forth holding up wooden objects (like elephants or trees). The people are hidden behind the wall but their objects are held up to stick out over the wall. The light of the fire projects shadows of the objects out onto the blank cave wall that the people are staring at. The only “truths” that these people understand are the shapes and movements of the shadows on the wall in front of them. We’ll call them the ‘Shadow People’. Shadow People reward those who are good at guessing which shadow will appear next and how it will move.

Plato describes what might happen if you freed a Shadow Person and asked him to look at the objects that are the cause of the shadows. He might be tempted to see the objects as unreal and the shadows as the only real truth because he would never have seen the objects before and have no name for them or language to describe them. And what would happen if that person were to try and describe what they had seen to the others? They might ridicule him and reject him for his wayward ideas. And if he was told to look at the fire it would hurt his eyes and he might want to go back to what was comfortable and familiar.

He then asks what would happen if our liberated Shadow Person was taken outside the cave entirely, into the sunlight, and shown real elephants and real trees. What would he make of them? Would he accept them as truth? Plato suggests that after some time the Shadow Person would acclimatize to his new reality and begin to understand it for what it was. He would finally be able to look at the sun and realize that the sun is in a way the cause of all other things. After this, could he go back into the cave? Would he ever be able to accept the ideas of the Shadow Civilization again? Could they ever accept or tolerate him? Is there anything he could say to them to make them believe what he had seen?

5 Simple truths from the cave    

1. We really don’t know all that much! Every civilization thinks they’re the pinnacle of all knowledge and wisdom. Every generation thinks they know better than the next. We all sit smugly in our own sense of rightness. The reality is that in some way we’re all staring at shadows on the wall. Ask yourself when last you ‘looked around’. When last did you have a serious look at all the things you think are real and true and reassess the facts. When last did you challenge an accepted norm in your culture or your society or your church etc?
2. Investigating the truth will get you into trouble. Shadow folk don’t like being told that they’re wrong. They don’t like having their comfort zones disturbed. They’re working hard at becoming the ‘best’ Shadow pro’s they can be and don’t want loose cannons messing with their plans for advancement and success. If you’re breaking free of your binds and have started looking around the cave, don’t expect a warm handshake or a friendly greeting. Prepare yourself for criticism and rebuke, but remember – there are worse things in life than getting into trouble!
3. The fire and the sun will hurt your eyes. When first you discover the light of truth it won’t be easy to deal with. Your current paradigms will reject what you’re seeing and your self-preservation instinct will scream “get the hell back to safety!!” Be courageous, in time you will meet others who have walked the same road and there will be support and understanding. You may shed tears as you realize that you have wasted time on meaningless things, but consider these things school fees. You’ve learned some lessons and that’s never a waste.
4. Don’t get comfortable in the cave. You may have turned around and seen the fire and the objects and think, “Now I know the truth. Great! I can relax and settle down here with the wall people.” Your journey has only just begun! You still have a long dark path that leads you out of the cave and into the sun, and when you get outside its going to take the rest of your life to work out what it is you’re looking at. Never be satisfied with what you now know!
5. You will have to leave some stuff behind. As you embark on a journey of self discovery and truth there will be people and things you leave behind because they don’t belong in the new season of your life. You will have Shadow Friends who come with you and others who don’t. Don’t be scared to say goodbye when you need to. You may still end up seeing those people in the sunlight in time to come.

Sigh...

So what’s with the whole marriage thing? Who decided that people should get dressed in white and stand before a crowd of people and declare never-ending devotion and loyalty to one another? Most of us can’t work out what colour shirt to wear to work or whether we want chocolate or vanilla milkshake at McDonalds and yet we all freely accept that once we say the magic words “I do” we’ll somehow mysteriously be able to live with the other person till “Death do us part”, never forsaking them or tiring of them.

We are so insistent on doing this thing that people who don’t get married are pitied and “matched” for their supposed loneliness and lack of joy; people who get married without the white outfits and flowers are said to “elope” (which is a bad thing); and people who get married and then get unmarried (divorced – also a bad thing) are effectively shunned and ostracized by society in general and religion in particular.

So we are raised to believe that marriage is the acceptable norm… the way things should be… as though two people could not love each other “properly” without all the trappings of a marriage… as if long term relationships could ever work by being enforced… as if two people at age twenty something could know enough about the world or themselves to possibly understand if their choice is the right one.

What is it we’re so scared of? Do we think that unmarried lovers are going to bring down the judgement of God on society? Do we honestly believe that kids should care what labels we give to the relationship between their parents? Do we think that marriage will protect either partner against non-monogamy? Do we think that love can only be real after an event called a wedding?

In an age where we like to think we’ve evolved from the depths of ritual sacrifice, oppression of women and arbitrary invasions of small neighbouring countries, why is it that we haven’t evolved from the ancient mystical notion of marriage?

Now don’t get me wrong… I’m not for one moment suggesting that there is no such thing as true love or that people don’t find “soul mates” who they can happily spend the rest of their lives with, but all that can happen without the need for marriage and all the societal and cultural expectations that come with it. Marriage, like so many other mandatory cultural commitments is nothing more than another control mechanism that helps maintain the status quo and keeps the sheep all walking in straight lines.

I have no doubt that marriage will continue long into the future because it is so effective for keeping tabs on society – and the citizens of society will continue to get married as expected, just as they will continue to “go to church”, “say grace” before meals, “get an education”, “get a job”, “get a retirement policy” and so on. It’s just easier that way!